Let's help build up each others self-esteem!

[Breakawaygirl]

Hi everyone

Please feel free to join the thread.

I suffer with really bad self-esteem and always have. I've been brought up by a very loving family, but equally my dad has never told me that he loves me or is proud of me and I rarely get a 'well done' when I do something amazing from him.

Maybe that's part of my poor self-esteem but I often don't feel good enough. Not beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough etc, although I objectively know I am very funny (always make people genuinely laugh), am brave (have travelled extensively alone) and must be attractive (I always have male interest and have had partners etc.)

This thread is designed to help us build each other up and get past the cognitive distortions or warped thinking perpetuated by our pasts, our upbringings, our relationships, media and modern life, and to encourage us to see our worth. When you know your worth you can change your life.

Please feel free to share your story, ask for advice and share what helps you.

I am pissed off cos my OH (boyfriend although I called him DH) bought a good female friend of his (def nothing dodgy) a necklace from same place as he bought my birthday presents. I want to wrap every fucking thing back up and stuff them in his lap and just tell him not to bother. I don't want similar gifts as his friends. I want to be more special. He can just have the fucking lot back and I can be worthy of no gifts again.

Yeah I know I sound like a mentalist.

Haha, donotstop, that made me smile Whinging and moaning is good. We deserve a moan without anyone telling us to stop being so damn miserable.

Rudita Three years because I went through a divorce and then did a counselling qualification (yeah I know, I should know better) and thought I could stick at it. Coming to the point of our work in therapy.

I've given up alcohol, which seems to help, and have had some diazepam for anxiety, which I have mixed feelings about.

I don't think YABU about the necklace. I would feel the same but don't take tips from me. I don't think you're being OTT though. Are you sure you don't feel a bit threatened by their friendship? Not saying you do, just asking.

Hmm yes, I didn't mention alcohol. I drink a bit but not excessively, but do sometimes feel extra sensitive the day after I've had a couple of drinks the night before. But I look forward to Friday and Saturday wine, so I'd miss it and wouldn't know what to replace it with.

I'm glad you think I am NBU about necklace - although in his defence I did get 2 lots of something different. But it's the gift concepts. I hate it.
Yes, I have felt threatened by this friendship. He and I did talk it through and he does validate my feelings, but I still feel crap over it. I think she doesn't like me much - naturally, I have taken away her best pal - and I kind of want her to be mates. I also kind of hate her for being so needy and annoying (which, of course, makes me a big fat hypocrite as I am both of those things).

You see? I never had these problems when I was single!

YEah alcohol: I think it's ok if it's something you look forward to, and to mark the week like that. But I was up to drinking a bottle per night, and sometimes more (!!! admission!!) and my dad's an alcoholic, so I nipped that in the bud.

I don't have any experience of a partner having a female best friend, but it sounds tricky even if it ought not to be. Of course a confident, assertive person would have no issue...who are these people who can just bounce these things off them. I'm not much help am I, but I sympathise.

Re alcohol, good for you, that's amazing, you've done so well to stop completely.

You speak much sense, Rudita. Yes I am not the cool gf type and it upsets me. I will talk to him tomorrow & ask he gives it to a particular charity shop we both like. I know it’s my ASD but it upsets me even knowing it’s there.

Maybe I need a sleeping tablet now as agitated. Urgh...

Thank you re alcohol! I managed 3 years then fell off wagon, now back on as it makes me too fuzzy.

This thread is such a help. I hope you are feeling a little less alone and (yeah this sounds cringey) a bit more held...

Please try and stick with this.......

I was just thinking about the fact that guys don't usually buy each other presents (the way girls do), so would he buy any of his other friends presents, or just this one, because she's female?

And yes, thank you, it does help to have a chat and share this stuff, that most people would think you are bonkers. I don't mind being bonkers, it just the insecure part I can't hack. Hope you can switch off soon, I'm going to now

Noego I will try again. I could t get past the first few mins but will try.
Rudita these are great points. He prob would buy gift for male friend. He is v kind. I should rest on that rather than focus this other way. He also bought me a special book so it WAS different...
She is an old family friend so ee within rights to buy gift, bug he kind of lied when I asked if they do gifts. I guess to spare my feelings as I am like a bull in a china shop with confrontation.

But yrghhhhhh that voice telling me I’m not special enough. Urghhh

Goodnight, dear Rudita! Sleep well & thanks for sharing bonkers!

Is it not obvious to you that the mind is in control of you as opposed to you being in control of the mind.
You keep believing everything it is saying. Furthermore you also keep believing everything anyone else says. The mind is a bully and is beating you up constantly.

"You" are not the body and mind. Get some space and look at it. Look closely. See what it is doing and stop believing it. It is lying.

I head a lovely metaphor for the mind recently. It’s a chess board. Sometimes the black pieces are winning sometimes the white- these are your thoughts. You and just present as the board. Or your mind is a sushi belt moving the dishes around- your thoughts, you might see (think) something unpleasant but the belt keeps moving.
In CBT we’re encouraged to grab the raw octopus and sniff it, taste it a bit, or with the chess analogy we plan and beat the black pieces but really we’re the board. Acknowledge the thought.
Thank your mind and realise you are not your thoughts.

This is so very helpful. Thank you, both. Very valuable reflections. I have copied these into my phone.

What a difference a few hours makes...I'm still feeling my usual dip, however I've just had a little positive thing happen which had boosted me a bit. The sun shining helps too.
Hope you have a good day, @DoNotStopToCollectBelongings

Me too, Rudita! Anxiety is worse at night.
The sun is shining & connecting with nature is good and helpful. Nature continues growth even if human beings can sometimes let us down.

Have a good day.

Thank you for those who read my long post.

Rudita - you asked if counselling helped. It did to some extent - i see it as getting over the worst of the 'crisis' where I was sobbing uncontrollably for weeks and really wasnt functioning. I didnt want to take anti depressants and got 6 weeks through work. I finished up paying for another 4 or 5 sessions.

It was really the first time in my life that I could tell someone how I really felt without the fear of judgement. She got it - she was the first who said that he was a narcissist - that none of it was my fault. I couldnt talk to friends about this as they were too involved in perhaps being on my side and I didnt want to hear people talk negatively about him.

I stopped going because i was just going over and over the same things - mainly about him and more him. There was no point but I know I can always go back if I need to. I did go back last week for an extra unexpected one after he said that he didnt want people like me in his life again - and I knew i was going to see him at a social event. I really didnt know whether to cancel - my friends all said I should hold my head up high and ignore him but I just wanted to run away. She gave me some coping techniques (including having a big piece of cake if I got upset) and I realised that it would do my confidence the world of good if I faced up to it. So I went, it was OK. I called him out about the comment about no longer being friends and he said i had taken it out of context.

I am coming out of this slowly. But I still wish I was one of those people who can cut people out of their life when its hurtful .

Are you doing what makes you happy or are you doing what will make you feel accepted?
Don't confuse happiness with validation from others or the mind.

LOVE yourself...........then

Lose yourself, lose yourself in this Love.
When you lose yourself in this Love you will find everything

How's everyone this week?

What's happened with necklacegate, @DoNotStopToCollectBelongings ?

I've had some good news (including lining up some counselling 🤞🏼) and had a good day. However I still can't shake the underlying I'm not good enough and I'm never going to be as good as them feeling. It literally never goes away.

Hey Rudita,
Thank you for asking. Well done you on the counselling. I’m sure that a good counsellor can create a safe place to discuss those feelings...

My week. I had some bad news about my health, which explains my excessive anxiety... maybe also in relation to poor self esteem. I’m having some tests now to unravel it, and hopefully meds will help me.

Wahhhh!!!!

I did kind of get my head around nevklacegate but I do have pangs of being upset. Hoping it will pass...

Some for us both!

"There is nothing to practice.
To know yourself, be yourself.
To be yourself stop imagining your self to be this or that.
Just be"

Nisargadatta Maharaj.