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Original poster

Let's help build up each others self-esteem!

125 replies

Breakawaygirl · 16/01/2019 09:50

Hi everyone

Please feel free to join the thread.

I suffer with really bad self-esteem and always have. I've been brought up by a very loving family, but equally my dad has never told me that he loves me or is proud of me and I rarely get a 'well done' when I do something amazing from him.

Maybe that's part of my poor self-esteem but I often don't feel good enough. Not beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough etc, although I objectively know I am very funny (always make people genuinely laugh), am brave (have travelled extensively alone) and must be attractive (I always have male interest and have had partners etc.)

This thread is designed to help us build each other up and get past the cognitive distortions or warped thinking perpetuated by our pasts, our upbringings, our relationships, media and modern life, and to encourage us to see our worth. When you know your worth you can change your life.

Please feel free to share your story, ask for advice and share what helps you.

OP posts:
Batsypatsy · 18/02/2019 17:41

Very try noego.

I think we're all a bit impatient these days. I know I'd certainly like an immediate improvement.

noego · 18/02/2019 18:08

Have a look at this........

Batsypatsy · 18/02/2019 19:43

Sorry for the typo .. Blush ... should say very true

8FencingWire · 18/02/2019 20:32

noego Flowers

If you want to stop something, find where it began :)

noego · 19/02/2019 08:11

If you want to stop something, find where it began

If the bath was overflowing you wouldn't jut keep mopping the floor without turning the tap off.
Like wise with the mind. The mind is the only part of you that bullies you. You have an appendix but does it bother you? If it did you would have surgery to remove it. Does your hand bother you? Hold it up in front of you. You can see your hand, but can your hand see you?

We can all see the mind, but for some reason we continue to give it credence. And yet it can run in the background and not be given any credence. It is a habit we have developed since we were babies.
If you put the washing machine on, the washing machine goes through its cycles, do we take any notice of it? It is just there running away. The mind is like this. It is always there running away and yet when we decide to believe in the thoughts it generates the thoughts become real for us.

You live on a busy street. The cars go by, after a while you do not notice the cars (thoughts) You live close to an airport, the planes fly over head after a while you don't notice the planes (thoughts)

So simply turn the tap off. Let the washing machine (mind) run, let the appendix do its thing. Let the cars go by, let the planes fly overhead. None of it bothers you. Treat the mind with the same attitude.

The mind is a wonderful tool for practical purposes.
What's for dinner tonight? What shopping do I need? I need to make a dentist appointment? The dog needs grooming, so on and so forth.
All of which are also thoughts. But these thoughts do not hurt us. Why? Because they are practical thoughts. They are however still thoughts. Then there are the other thoughts. The psychological (egoic) thoughts. These thoughts, for some silly, stupid reason we believe in and so they dictate to us.

All of these thoughts are part of the 70,000 thoughts a normal human has in a day.

Discern!!!! Which ones are you going to choose or just let run in the background.

Easy to say, difficult to do. Practice mindful meditation. I am mindful of the mind and what it does, how it works and I can let it be there without attachment to it. The objective is to become mind-less. In fact it is more true to say mind-less meditation :)

Eventually the mind gives up and then not reacting to thought becomes second nature.

Achieve it for a second, for a minute, for five minutes. Slow progress is still progress.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step. (TaoTe Ching)

When a man removes a mountain, he removes it one stone a a time (Confucious)

Flowers to all.....HTH's

noego · 19/02/2019 08:44

Just an addition to the above.

Don't imagine it. Experience it. Like thoughts, imagination comes and goes.

noego · 20/02/2019 08:24

Some people will try to extinguish your flame because they cannot light their own........

Recognise it........

noego · 21/02/2019 07:52

The art of knowing, is knowing what to ignore.

Rumi.

noego · 24/02/2019 21:17

When you truly don't care what the fuck anybody thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.........

noego · 25/02/2019 16:30

Ships don't sink because of the water around them: ships sink because of the water that gets in them.
Don't let what's happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.

noego · 02/03/2019 17:41

It's not an insult from another that causes you pain. It's the part of the mind that agrees with the insult.
Agree with only the truth about you and you will be free.

8FencingWire · 02/03/2019 22:50

@noego food for thought :)

noego · 03/03/2019 09:09

And one day she woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with her or against her. She realised who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will.
She was done with anything that didn't bring her peace.

8FencingWire · 03/03/2019 09:18

Where is that from? Star

noego · 04/03/2019 12:09

You're amazing!!
Don't forget you came here to be you, not someone's idea of you.

noego · 04/03/2019 12:11

@8Fencingwire

It's from

Queen of my own damn castle.

noego · 09/03/2019 23:22

A woman that is consciously aware of herself will not entertain those who try to manipulate her into meeting there needs.

Vex King.

ficklemissfickle · 10/03/2019 08:20

Just looking through & found this at a timely moment, following a social occasion last night was feeling very low about my lack of confidence & general social awkwardness- felt I had nothing of interest to say & I'm just very very dull! I'm 48 soon & get frustrated that I've not got this sussed yet!! Work in a area where I meet lots of different people every day, lots of interaction required & it's a role I've progressed in successfully, however do find it exhausting as always second guessing how I am perceived & desperate to please. Out of work my happy place is with my family & my dog - who I adore. But - when expected to chit chat socially - feel I have nothing of interest to say (other than about my kids, work & dog!) worries me that I should "put myself out there more" & make the effort. I have a few close friends - 1 in particular that I've known for nearly 30 years - so never felt the need to particularly have a large group & have lost touch with many over the years. But - back to the point - what I've read so far is making me feel I'm ok as I am - that's me & that's just fine!!! So thank you all - Thanks

noego · 10/03/2019 08:30

@ficklemissfickle

Flowers
rudita · 21/03/2019 18:56

Hello, can I join too please?
My self esteem has always always been low, even as a young child I remember being self conscious and feeling inferior. I'd love to get to the bottom of it and understand why. My parents are loving but perhaps there are some issues around my childhood that still affect me. I've tried counselling (having fallen into an abusive relationship) but it's not given me enough answers yet.
I'm still searching and I often wonder if I will ever have better self esteem as it's so deeply embedded.

noego · 21/03/2019 20:15

If your mind is happy you are happy anywhere you go. When wisdom awakens within you, you will see truth wherever you look. Truth is all there is. Its like when you learned how to read , you can now read anywhere you go.

Tip.

Don't believe anything, anyone ever tells you. Because it isn't and never was True. it is because you believed them that you now have a different opinion of yourself.

rudita · 21/03/2019 21:09

I had a good counsellor who described me as having hooks that I let people hang their negative comments on. She drummed into me several times that those comments are theirs and belong to them, not me, and it's up to me to hook them on or not.
That was a good visual reference for me, and it helps. I find I'm much better at handling other people's negativity than I used to be - doesn't bother me much these days.
However my biggest hurdle is dealing with being assertive in front of an audience (this is work related). I just can't do it. I freeze (typical fright mode) and lose my voice. I often think others must notice it and wonder why the hell I'm not reacting when it comes so naturally to them (or appears to).

noego · 21/03/2019 21:20

The best advice I was given about overcoming "stage fright" was to join a drama class or an am/dram group.

Remember perception is just another thought. Don't hook onto it.

rudita · 21/03/2019 21:29

I'm always so aware of that - I'm constantly thinking if others are thinking what I'm thinking. Such a waste of thinking time!
The other thing I do is beat myself up for it. Be kind to myself? Nope, don't know how to do that.
I think that's also why I'm always drawn to solitary work (and be good at it). Interacting with too many humans is just too draining and a waste of my resources.

rudita · 21/03/2019 21:36

Does anyone else find other people's (probably healthy) sense of self worth astonishing? I do all the time. People splurging money on frivolous things, haircuts, beauty treatments, clothes, shoes, lunches etc. I am getting better at spending money on myself but I still find it hard to do without justifying it first.
Argh. Feel such a twat writing that but it's true, that's what I think every time someone tells me about this kind of stuff.