Let's help build up each others self-esteem!

[Breakawaygirl]

Hi everyone

Please feel free to join the thread.

I suffer with really bad self-esteem and always have. I've been brought up by a very loving family, but equally my dad has never told me that he loves me or is proud of me and I rarely get a 'well done' when I do something amazing from him.

Maybe that's part of my poor self-esteem but I often don't feel good enough. Not beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough etc, although I objectively know I am very funny (always make people genuinely laugh), am brave (have travelled extensively alone) and must be attractive (I always have male interest and have had partners etc.)

This thread is designed to help us build each other up and get past the cognitive distortions or warped thinking perpetuated by our pasts, our upbringings, our relationships, media and modern life, and to encourage us to see our worth. When you know your worth you can change your life.

Please feel free to share your story, ask for advice and share what helps you.

A couple of things spring to mind @rudita

Worrying is a waste of your imagination

and

Beware of Destination Addiction
A preoccupation that happiness is in the next place, the next job, the next partner, the next anything.
Unless you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.

Yes it is, Noego, I agree. But how to stop it? I'm aware now more than ever of my behaviours but it's still hard to change them.

I am "happy" but am so so held back by my low self esteem.

@rudita

Try a mindful meditation. Your mind needs to relax from all the noise.

So try sitting or lying. Breath in for 5 seconds and exhale for 8 seconds. Push your stomach out while doing this. Exhaling more than you inhale will slow the body down a little bit.
Just do this for 5 minutes or less if it is difficult for you.
In those few minutes if any thoughts come just let them go. Stay with the meditation.
You will find that you are present in the moment. Stay there!!

I have tried mindfulness and haven't got on with it very well to be honest.
I tried cbt as well but it wasn't for me as I found my stress levels went up as there is a lot of 'homework' that goes with it, and if you're a very busy person it's hard to set time aside to focus on it. I understand you have to be prepared to put the work in to get something out of it...but bad timing or whatever, I just couldn't do it.
I've decided on talking therapy for now and just want a chance to offload and then get on with my usual week.

Writing it down can be cathartic too

Not doing very well today. Anyone around for a boost? I've gone completely lethargic in a staring into space kinda way.

Same here. But I'm not worried about it. It will pass :)

I know mine will pass too. But it's bloody horrible when you're in it. Feel like utter shit.

Can I join too please......

@Batsypatsy on 11th Feb wrote:
"I have similar problems to you OP. My dad never told me he loved me and I never felt good enough. My self esteem is awful and I'm very insecure. I really need to do something about it as my neediness is affecting my relationship."

I could have written this. I'm currently half way through 5 months of psychotherapy for the same issue and it is also affecting my own relationship in the same way. I need to find my own worth and not rely on others to have to boost my very depleted ego.

Only because you're attaching to it.

Is your heart still beating, are you still breathing? Are you doing anything to stop your heart or your lungs? Do the same with the mind. Jus let it do what it wants. It cannot harm you.

This was on a diet fb group I follow and thought it was good so screen shot it.

I can't see it @dragonssmile

I mean just marking my spot here, if people don’t mind, as I’m really suffering from anxiety tonight, related to low self esteem. Too many factors...

There’s a great literature on self compassion, a PP once mentioned writing by Kristen Neff (?)

Your posts have helped me enormously. Like others, my problem lies in abusive parents & not being quite good enough. My DH is meeting an old female friend of his & I can already feel myself getting panicky even though there’s nothing to fear.

I mean?! That should say I am!

Where else do people get support with this? My anxiety is definitely flaring up at the moment and the feeling of being inadequate is just there all the time. I don't really know what to do about it (apart from post on here). I really dislike myself and have issues believing anything anyone says. I'm paranoid and am sure people can see through me. I feel like I can't make proper relationships with anyone and don't know how

Me too, Rudita. It’s about self esteem I think

I'm sorry you feel this way too. It really is debilitating. It pervades everything you do and takes over at times. Sometimes I am brave and step outside of my comfort zone (in real life), act assertive and it backfires on me, massively. So I climb back inside my hole. And I want to stay here. I can't cope with interaction sometimes. It's too much.

Oh I need to join in with this.
I have lived on my own for over 20 years after an abusive (mentally not physically) marriage. I had a short lived relationship which only lasted a few months but I was completely devastated when it ended and finished up in counselling.

The counselling made me realise that I had a need to belong and that is something that i have never had. My dad left when I was 16, he had a second family. My mum now says that she had emotionally shut down from the time I was born due to his treatment of her and although I recognise that she loves me now I find it difficult to react to it. I dont blame my mum though - I was emotionally shut down for years.

I then got married to someone I met when I was 16, I didnt want to get married but everyone else was and he convinced me that nobody else would ever want me. I stayed married for 14 years and tried my best to make it work.... finally got the courage to get rid of him, had to buy him out of the house and take on over £20k in debt.

I then had some (lots) of short term FWB type relationships as I thought that they were easy, that I was in control but in reality I was allowing myself to be used and they just made me feel worse.

So, I was on my own until last year when I met someone and it went wrong because he said that I wouldn't let him close. It hurt so much that I had counselling, Even now, over 9 months since we finished I cant stop thinking about him. He is seeing someone else and it makes me feel sick to think about them. He said to me last week that our friendship was over and that he didn't want people like me in his life (people who couldn't accept that a relationship was over)

So - I need some self esteem/self respect. Why cant I be one of those people who can just say 'fuck off then'. Why do I still feel the need to make things right. Why do I still feel that if I wait long enough he will come back.

I need to be the person who can say Fuck Off.....

Sorry its long

Ceecee, do you think the counselling helped? Why have you stopped? I don't know how I feel about counselling. Sometimes it helps, other times, it just keeps opening wounds that you don't want prodding all the time.

Hi Rudita I've been having counselling for 3 years or so. Yes, debilitating. I have had massive spikes in paranoia lately, I think partly due to ASD and sensory problems.

Feeling particularly shit tonight in the way you have explained - it pervades everything you d. I can't work right now. Can't cope with interactions. Feel self conscious. I hate other people. Even my DH. I feel like breaking up with him because I can't get reassurance from him (even though he pretty much is so). Just like I have a different set of needs to what the rest of the world can offer.

Fuck it! I'm so miserable.

Hi donotstop, it's good just to have a conversation about it with someone who gets it. We can have a misery competition (joke). I don't have a DH or DP, so I can't even get angry with him.
Right now I'm feeling sad and paranoid because no one in a WhatsApp group I'm in has bothered to reply to my comment, when the more popular members receive instant responses and constant banter. I usually ignore it, but I thought I'd test it out, just to see if I really am paranoid, or if it's true. Turns out they couldn't give a shit about my message. How childish is that. I don't give a shit either really, but when you're feeling downright miserable anyway, things like that can really really make you feel a whole lot worse.

Thank you, Noego for that.
Sorry, Ceecee for your pain. I'm sure we all have similar stories. The fear of being loved and of being rejected.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I started the 'No Contact Dignity Club' a few years ago and that helped me not feel alone during moments like the one you describe.

Why is life so fricking hard? I hate feeling like this and it's due to being in a relationship. It's such a tough place for me to be in.

Yeah Rudita I just thought the same, misery contest LOL.
I know the feeling you describe. Like an oversensitivity. Why doesn't any fucker care? Arghhhh. Yes, when you are low then any small thing is a trigger and just reinforces the fricking misery of it all.

I am all for indulging in feeling shit. Yay.

Three years is a long time. Does it help you? I just don't know how I can actually help myself. I DO all the things you're meant to, plenty of exercise, fresh air, healthy eating, avoiding people who don't make me feel good, making some time for myself etc. It helps temporarily. But deep down it's still there. I can't cope with people. I don't have ASD btw. I just have no self worth. FFS.