Anyone in hospital right now and wants to start a support thread?

[UndertheCedartree]

Hello - I've currently been on my long-term in-patient placement for a month - looking at being here around 18 months.

Anyone else in hospital whether acute or long term?

The lows aren't there all the time. I would say I probably have an episode a year, but the sertraline has definitely helped in that respect, especially for my anxiety.

When I had a low before, I could always manage it myself, but in June, it was particularly bad and that's when I realised I should probably get some help for this before I kill myself.

I feel fine now, but I'm assuming it's probably mainly down to the medication, I have no idea. I do realise now though (must be an age thing) when my highs get a bit too high and I think, right bippity, you need to rein it in a bit, before I decide to spend £100's on something that I probably don't need and won't miss if I didn't get it right now

Or probably years of experience of how my mood's can change. I'm still terrible with money. Never check my bank account. Just go to the hole in the wall and hope for the best I don't have a credit card for this reason as it would spell disaster.

Children aren’t allowed on the ward, there is a family room downstairs in the unit for visitors, but you’re not allowed off the ward on 1:1, and the doctor said I wasn’t mentally well enough to see the children/too depressed/it wouldn’t be nice for them to see me looking so miserable.

I'm still like that with my bank account, Bippity!

That's a shame FFS - on my acute ward the family room was in the airlock. Hope you are in a better space soon and able to see your children.

I'm having a bit of a rubbish weekend. I took my children into town today trying to treat them and get them everything they need this month before my bills come out and drain my account. It was all very expensive and really tiring. Just so exhausting. Then had a bit of an argument with my boyfriend this evening. He lives in supportive living and after being with me last weekend he went awol for 4 days and missed his meds. Consequently he needs to take his meds in front of staff and stay at his this weekend so I'm hardly getting to see him this weekend. I find this so hard. I miss him all week and want to see him at the weekend and we got in to an argument as he decided he wanted to go home earlier than he'd said. This triggers abandonment in me and I cling for dear life. He got annoyed with me and had a go. He said however much time he spends with me is never enough. I got really upset partly because I didn't like him having a go at me but also because I knew he was exactly right. My EUPD really makes me feel like I have a complete insatiable need for attention/love. This stems from my childhood but it is something I feel incredibly embarrassed and guilty about. I really hope the DBT will help me cope with this. After this kind of situation my self esteem takes a real knock and I tend to feel really anxious and go into myself. He then accuses me of sulking. So not feeling good and wanting to self harm because I hate myself

Hey @UndertheCedartree that sounds really tough RE your boyfriend. I was struck by how articulate you are though.

How are you doing with the self-harm urges?

@FFSOMG that is rubbish, can you keep connected with them some other way though like phone calls and so on?

@BippityBoppity87 I tried mood and symptom tracking, is that something that might be useful? I didn’t stick with it but some people do it.

all

Erin - thank you that was kind of you to say I was articulate. I feel I do have quite a lot of insight but lack the skills to deal with the situations currently. I did end up self harming but it was much less than previously. I think I was able to calm myself down and get myself to bed which was really positive.

Things all good with my boyfriend this morning so hopefully we can have a nice day until I have to head back to hospital late afternoon. Hope everyone has a nice Sunday

I came out last week, feeling really unsafe like I’m walking a tightrope. Started putting plans in place for next week and sorting a few letters out. I am seeing the psychologist on Monday so I will talk to her. I should really reach out to AMHT but I don’t feel like I can

I think it might be useful erinaceus as I forget my mood's quite easily. Especially when I've been in a low mood, it's hard to remember what it felt like.

How is everyone this evening? I now have a sore throat. Adding to the never ending list of ailments! It's awful.

Quick question. See when you go to CBT and they write everything down that you've said, once the sessions are finished, does it get referred back to the psychiatrist to read? or just back to the gp? or nothing?

I've only had three sessions so far, but at least 4 possible diagnoses have been mentioned. So I have no idea where it goes from there, if a therapist can diagnose at all!

@UndertheCedartree You are welcome. It is what leapt out at me from your post.

I feel I do have quite a lot of insight but lack the skills to deal with the situations currently. I felt like this for a long time and I have better skills now although not perfect. Well done for less severe self harm than you might have done otherwise. I always found feeling proud of myself for such (what I felt were) minor victories hard, much easier to congratulate other people.

@Grumpbum123 Not much to add but keep posting here if it helps.

@BippityBoppity87 I tried to do it using an app but it didn't stick, maybe it would be helpful for me to try a few different apps to see if I can find one which works for me better. At the moment I do have friends and family who check in with me mood-wise which helps me. RE notes ask your therapist what they do with them. RE where it goes from there I would raise this with the therapist too if you are concerned.

I am okay, back at work this week, structure should help.

That might be helpful @erinaceus I'm struggling with racing thoughts at the moment, which I never thought were racing thoughts to begin with. I thought just because I don't voice them out loud, it's not racing thoughts iykwim?

For example, tonight, I thought right this weekend I'm going to w, I need to do x,y and z. Oh! I want make candles from scratch! Might make it into a business, what will I name it? why is the ball so orange? Why are some of the players shoes different? I need to go to bed at this time. I don't have to get up until 5am and I'm only working til 12, I'll be fine on a couple of hours of sleep. Can't wait to see everyone at work, haven't seen them in a week! All in the space of about 2 minutes.

That's just an example though, of how my mind's been tonight.

But if you saw me, you wouldn't think my mind was racing. You would think that I just wasn't paying attention or listening. Almost like I was spaced out.

I haven't had my medication today, so I don't know if that's contributing to it.

My thoughts go quickly, I described it to my sister and she said it sounded like anxiety 🤷🏽‍♀️

Was a relief because I thought I might be going psychotic, which I have had happen twice in my life, both times I was under a lot of stress.

For me drawing helps with the racing thoughts. I try not to worry about the thoughts per se, and to address the anxiety instead, can’t say that has worked so well. I describe it as the inside of my head feeling very nousy. Sometimes if I am in a quiet environment and thinking like this it can be a bit scary.

When I am anxious like this I get very ideas-y and have loads of ideas quickly, which can be quite fun (creative and funny) as long as I am selective in which ideas I try to carry out IRL not always manages that aspect so well in the past, which can be a bit awkward later 😕

It does make sense @erinaceus but I remember when I was asked if I had racing thoughts when the crisis team saw me I said no, but I didn't understand what that meant as I had never heard of it before I don't feel anxious though, just a bit jumpy and quite tired and irritable.

I just assumed everyone's thought processes were like mine and completely normal, so never thought to bring it up. Plus I never thought t was causing me huge issues.

I do think that there is a risk of pathologising experiences which are in the range of normal. I wouldn’t describe my thoughts as “racing thoughts” in the clinical sense generally. I had that once when I was psychotic and it is really something else - and pretty horrible.

I just think quickly. I can relate to thinking that everyone else has the experience you do. It took me a while to figure out why it was that I sometimes react to situations the way I do and that relates to my experiences and how they differ to those of other people.

In general, the thoughts going too fast thing is not my highest priority mental health wise, so I let it be most of the time.

That sounds horrible erinaceus The nearest I think I came to having an experience of psychosis, (but I think it was just a really bad form of greif) was when my mum died suddenly, whom I was very close to.

For about a couple of months I kept hearing voices and whispering. Sometimes it was quite a clear voice. It sounded like someone was right behind my ear, talking to someone else and the whispering got louder and the next minute 'shh!..she can hear you!'

Completely freaked out. I thought it was malevolent spirits, so I would put salt down against the door to stop them getting in. I came out of it on my own eventually thank goodness. It felt completely rational at the time.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Your experiences sound like they could have been triggered by grief. To be clear I am not any sort of health professional and can only speak from experience about what I tend to think of as my experiences of psychosis.

The two times I have had a psychotic break have been when I was under masses of emotional and/or physical strain. According to the psychiatrists I talked to, I do not have a psychotic disorder, it was more of a stress reaction. I have no idea how they came to this conclusion but am frankly quite glad that they did, especially when I had the same message from more than one psychiatrist. These days, what frightens me is that I get touches of the symptoms sometimes and think to my self "am I going again?" and "how would I even know?" because both times I had a psychotic break before, my behaviour was bizarre but as you say the experience is utterly real at the time. In my case the acute bit was a 48-hour thing and quite extreme, but I had echoes of it for weeks afterwards. However, my symptoms were not an ongoing experience like your description. I did not have auditory hallucinations (hearing things) either, mine is more visual disturbances, strange beliefs and a degree of paranoia.

I am struggling today because I have a cold and also PMT, and either one of those can tend to make my thinking go wonky, let alone both at once. I am trying to one-day-at-a-time but my days are a bit full for my liking. Yesterday was back-to-back meetings which was not fun as I could not concentrate terribly well, but I felt as if taking the day off and catching up after would be more of a hassle. I am cancelling what I can and trying to self-care, lots of Lemsip and cups of tea.

Yeah it was definitely a reaction to the grieving process I think. That sounds tough erinaceus

I have had bouts of paranoia before, but only when I'm drinking and then it gets really bad, so I try not to drink as much. It got so bad once that I thought the government were spying on me.

What I get as well and it's often triggered by tiredness and anxiety, is thinking I can see something from the corner of my eye. Sometimes spiders, mice, bugs or a combination of all 3. Ends up making me jumpy, it's horrible. It's almost always there, but I try to ignore it most the time or find a distraction.

I got myself into a right state this morning. Was getting on the bus, but there were already 2 buggys on it. So was trying to fold it whilst holding my 2 year old. Someone did come to help, but I just wanted the ground to swollow me up. I got myself so flustered that I couldn't stop sweating and felt like everyone was staring at me. Bloody awful that was.

Meant to add, I've never mentioned this to a psychiatrist. I've only seen them twice and I was in such a state and feeling suicidal at the time, that I just stared into space giving one word answers as I didn't want to be there in the first place hence why I almost ended up on a psychiatric ward.

Bippity - I remember this kind of thing when mine were small. I got a right phobia of the bus. I sweat when I'm in a state too - it is a horrible feeling.

I'm a bit annoyed with myself as I didn't take my meds Sat night which is the first time I've done that in ages. To be fair it's quite hard to not take in an inpatient setting but the last few weekends that I came home I've been really good at taking it.

I was just so frustrated and angry on Saturday evening as I was thinking about the Child in need meeting I was having today. I was thinking I'm sick of having no money as benefits etc make it so damn hard to get anywhere. I'm sick of my son not getting help for his emotional wellbeing (he was discharged after an assessment for 'lack of information' the form I'd filled in was ignored and there was no attempt to contact me) and I'm sick of the kid's dad not getting the support he needs leading to me doing housework all bloody weekend when I come home. I was in a 'fuck everything' mood and that included the meds. Felt absolutely terrible on Sunday - my heart was racing and I was sweating. I ended up having to speak to a nurse at the hospital and guess what - she told me to tale a bath and have a hot drink! To be fair there was some more helpful advice too.

So meeting today - so bloody frustrating. I did get a bit loud and sweary at times. Especially when I was told social services couldn't provide funding for the children's holiday club because I bought the children halloween masks when I should be spending my money on essentials!! They had masks so they could participate in Halloween - my son was invited to a party and my daughter had a disco at school. Being able to have fun, socialise and not be left out I would say is an essential for any child but especially my 2 right now! I spent a few bloody quid on masks - no where near what holiday club costs! Honestly if the woman who actually made that decision (my kid's social workers boss) I would have bloody punched her.

Another big thing that came up is that they have finally completed a background check on my boyfriend. I've been with him nearly a year and told Social services as soon as we got together. We even had a child protection conference that he attended. Anyway it has come up with a warning of an incident in 2014 when he was described as a 'danger to children'. I already know about this incidence as he has told me. It was when he was very unwell and he started threatening people with a knife as he was paranoid. He was sectioned due to this. The report described him as a danger to 'the general public, children and the police' as he had 'a blade'. It described the circumstances as caused by 'deteriorating mental health, homelessness, alcohol and drug use'. So he was a danger to children in general as he was a danger to anyone at that point. His mental health is now stable, he is not homeless and only drinks in moderation and no drugs. The police officer at the child protection meeting said they didn't consider him a safeguarding risk to the children and praised him for the progress he had made and his CPN agreed. So I'm not concerned but they need to do a more thorough check now and until that time he can't have unsupervised time with the children. So while I completely agree with the process as it is for the safety of my children it does mean the kid's dad has lost a support for the time being as my boyfriend has been picking the children up on Fridays and dropping them Mondays which will now have to stop. I need to stop writing as going back on ward but may vent further tomorrow!

Hope everyone is ok and looking after themselves x

Oh gosh, you sound like you've been through a lot! I'm not surprised you're frustrated. I'm guessing Halloween masks cost relatively little surely? It's a bit harsh that they would be pulling you up on that.

I'm ok, getting too excited for Christmas and just want to buy loads of presents! even though I don't have any money

I'm just in bed now crying over Council tax. My advocate is trying to get a discount but obviousy they make it hell. We've been working on it for 4 weeks (once a week) and I just don't feel I can take any more. Still got UC and SS to sort out. I just can't do it 😢

How are you getting on now @UndertheCedartree