to not want to be alive anymore?

[wishicould1]

I've name changed as I'm so ashamed and don't want anyone in RL to know who I am.

I spend most/all of my time wishing I wasn't here, I pray everyday that I will die in a car crash or be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I wander the streets at night just waiting for something to happen. I think about suicide but I'm not brave enough to do it - I wish I was.

I've tided and cleared out all my stuff so my family don't have to do it and got my affairs in order - not that I have any money. I've also written a note and leave it in my bedside table so if something happens they'll be able to understand why.

I'm fully expecting to be told to just get on with it and be grateful for what I have but I just don't think I can go on anymore.

For what its worth I've had a good life, no traumas, no abuse, no worries at all really, its just the last 6 months I've been like this.

Please listen to the excellent advice you are being given on this thread.
I just wanted to come on and echo what others have said - you will not always feel like this, things will get better. Life is full of surprises and you never know what wonderful thing could be round the corner, so please don't give up.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are suffering badly from an illness that so many experience. As a PP said, write down everything you have told us and pass it to a doctor at an emergency appointment tomorrow. I promise that they can help you.

Oh sweetheart don't be worrying about telling your GP how you're feeling. Please, they are very used to it and will help

If you can't say the words, show your GP this thread.

Hi OP. You have good advice above about seeking help for depression so I wont repeat that. I just want to say that at thirty you are still very young and can choose to move your life in any direction. If things are so bad that you are considering suicide then have a think about other things you could do which maybe wouldn't have been considered because they were a bit radical. Anything to give you some enthusiasm for life and a change.

Another voice saying please hold on and get help. I've called Samaritans before when I was in a crisis and I would again, they were fantastic. They really listened. You can get out of the hole you are in, I promise you .

We are here fighting for you just message anytime, we really want to help

I can't add anything to the excellent suggestions re: Samaritans etc that have already been given, but I didn't want to read and run.

You are in a very dark place at the moment - it is most likely a chemical imbalance that can be rectified - please go to your GP. Don't do anything at the moment, please. You are worth giving yourself more time.

xxx

You matter. All these amazing people here care. I can tell you that I too have felt like you, felt that it wouldn’t matter if I wasn’t here. But I was wrong, I’m loved, I have friends and family that need me. The depression your feeling tells you terrible lies. Feeling better didn’t happen overnight but I’m so so glad I’m still here and the parts of my life making me unhappy I changed. I love life now and it’s possible for you to do that too.

You have been so very brave to reach out and post on here and tell is how you are feeling.

If you can, please phone the Samaritans tonight.

I know that going to your GP may feel scary but they are there to support and help you through any and every illness.

If you don't feel able to vocalist your feelings to your GP then maybe you could write down your opening post and show it to them. If you phone up to make an appointment tomorrow you need to be honest and tell the receptionist that it is an emergency.

Sending support and love to you. Keep posting if it helps.

Please seek help - the Samaritans are available on 116 123 right now. Even if you aren’t sure where to begin, they will guide you through. If you feel it’s getting too much, you can pause or hang up and call back. If things are becoming too intrusive, go to A&E and they will help you too.

If A&E seems like too much, please please speak to a GP tomorrow.

Help is out there and available. Asking for it is a massive step. The road may seem daunting but once you get on it it’s worth it. Things might take time, but I promise you there is light at the end of this tunnel.

OP I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Each and every one of us is here for you, day or night. Please do go to see your GP as soon as you can - I promise you that they’ll be able to help and support you. We’re also always here for you

Please get help and talk to someone in real life. Youve already been brave in taking the first step and told people on here, next step - talk in real life too - there’s lots of support out there. for you

How are you feeling this morning OP? Thinking of you.

It will take time OP, please find the courage to speak to someone about how you feel, your GP would be a good starting point, you won’t be judged and your GP can put you in touch with the right services to help you.

I know it’s tough when you feel low and you can’t see a way out, but having seen first hand what suicide does to a family, believe me it causes complete devastation, don’t go down that path and please seek help urgently.

You can get better and enjoy life again, but baby steps for now. One day at a time.

Sending you a hug and I hope you feel much better soon 🤗

Oh op your post is just heartbreaking.

I have a daughter ( she is only 7 ) and if I thought she was ever feeling like this I would move heaven and earth to help her.

I am 40 and have had ( and still have ) MH issues and I'm still my parents daughter, their little girl, no matter how old I am.

Admittedly I have never felt the way you do so I won't even begin to say I understand because I don't.
What I will say is that I have felt hopeless, worthless and that I have no purpose.

And that's scary. It really is a scary feeling.

You aren't well lovely. It's not your fault. At all. Is there absolutely anyone you could talk to? I can bet you that your mum would be devastated for you if she knew how you are feeling.

At the very least, please please speak to your doctor. There is so much help available. Grab it with both hands.

You are 30. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Most people I know did not meet their soulmate until older than that, me included. You can and will have a good life.

I'm hoping the fact that you posted here means that you want help. Many people here have lost family and friends to suicide and it has left a trail of devastation that will never leave them.

Please keep posting so we know you are ok. If you don't mind me asking- roughly where about are you from? There will be someone on here who is nearby and could offer some support or even signpost you some help.

Wishing you lots of strength xx

Please tell us you are seeking help today.

Worried sick about @wishicould.

I do hope s/he has sought someone to talk to, and will contact a doctor today.

I wonder if mumsnet admin could try to reach out to wishicould through a private message?

You poor lovely. Depression is just the nastiest evil illness - nobody can see from the outside that you have it, and the last thing you want to do is tell people about it. And words don't help when you're really in the depths anyway - in my experience.

Action is needed but dying is not the solution. It passes your pain onto other people and besides, the world needs people like you, who have feelings, even if you need some help right now to handle them. Just think, in a year's time, you'll be the one able to help someone else through the dark clouds because you've been there and you know the way out. Wouldn't that be a wonderful gift to pass on?

What does help? For me at least, handing it over to someone else. Whether that's your Mum - who (as a Mum myself) I'm sure would want to do anything to help you take the pain away and look after you - or a professional with bags of experience of handling depression - MIND, a GP, Samaritans. One in four people will have mental health illness during their life - so it'll be a really familiar situation for a GP and I agree with the earlier poster's suggestion to print out your opening post and hand it over or read it to them. You just need to start with five words: I think I have depression.

I've been down and back up again several times including some brutal postnatal depression, and both my parents have told me that one of the things they're most proud of about me, is that I've been able to get myself back from it. But I never did it alone. I sometimes relied on a counsellor and a Health Visitor, other times on Prozac or anti-anxiety meds.

Wishing you lots of luck

You poor thing :( Please contact your GP as soon as you can xxx

Reaching out on here is a good step, you can get through this and things will get better with help xxx

I've been there op, and it's awful. Please seek help, there are so many people who truly care, even if right now you don't feel you have close relationships. Suicides destroy families and cause immense heartbreak. You can and you will come out the other side of this !

I haven’t read all the responses, so I may be repeating someone else’s suggestions.

OP, I have been where you are, including being unable to find the words to speak aloud. I emailed the Samaritans instead (its [email protected]). I found that so much easier than attempting a face-to-face conversation with the GP, or even a phone call.
It took me many years, and a nervous breakdown, to finally seek medical help. I genuinely believe I would be dead now had a colleague not physically forced me to the GP a few months ago. I’m taking medication now and things have drastically improved for me. I can’t see me coming off the medication any time soon, but I’m ok with that.

Depression is an absolute shitbag. Unfortunately it is also what you have. HAVING DEPRESSION IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is a recognised medical condition and there is help and treatment available to you.

I'm crying xx

Hi @wishicould1

I don't know if it's been mentioned above, but you can email Samaritans now so you wouldn't even have to speak to them.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/what-happens-when-i-email?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3Oai88vf3AIV4bztCh11fgqWEAAYASAAEgIKRfD_BwE

Please, get some help - it's' out there and it works.

Perhaps also look at changing your job?

All the best OP, I'll be thinking of you x

I wish I knew who you were OP so I could come and find you xx