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Original poster

to not want to be alive anymore?

94 replies

wishicould1 · 08/08/2018 22:00

I've name changed as I'm so ashamed and don't want anyone in RL to know who I am.

I spend most/all of my time wishing I wasn't here, I pray everyday that I will die in a car crash or be diagnosed with a terminal illness, I wander the streets at night just waiting for something to happen. I think about suicide but I'm not brave enough to do it - I wish I was.

I've tided and cleared out all my stuff so my family don't have to do it and got my affairs in order - not that I have any money. I've also written a note and leave it in my bedside table so if something happens they'll be able to understand why.

I'm fully expecting to be told to just get on with it and be grateful for what I have but I just don't think I can go on anymore.

For what its worth I've had a good life, no traumas, no abuse, no worries at all really, its just the last 6 months I've been like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishicould1 · 08/08/2018 22:31

Thanks everyone.

Nothing has really happened in the last 6 months - I changed my job and I don't really like it but I don't think it would make me feel like this. I'm also approaching 30 and I have nothing to show for it.

I'm just so ashamed that I don't think I can go to my GP - I have anxiety and hate talking to new people.

No one would miss me - maybe my parents. I have no friends, no partner, no children. nothing.

OP posts:
lunatunes · 08/08/2018 22:34

You would be missed more than you realise. Im sure there are plenty of people that care about you, you just aren't seeing it.

There's absolutely no shame in getting help. The first place you should try is calling the Samaritans which can be anonymous. Try talking over how you're feeling.

etsiketsi · 08/08/2018 22:37

Sweetheart. I’m heartbroken from my friend committing suicide. Please share with Samaritans, in real life, on here, anywhere. Because your life is really, really worth it. I promise xxx

ColumboHere · 08/08/2018 22:38

Your parents would be devastated to lose you.

You can write a note to your gp and just hand it to them.

Write what you put in your OP. They will have helped hundreds of people like you, they know what to do, they won't judge you.

Cleebeeface · 08/08/2018 22:38

Please talk to someone. I think you can actually text the Samaritans now if you’re not Able to talk.

BlueSuffragette · 08/08/2018 22:41

Sometimes talking to a stranger can really help as they don't know you so you don't feel as judged. Try calling the Samaritans first of all. I found talking to a mental health nurse (via GP) really helpful. She didn't know me and I heard myself saying things that even surprised me, as I just opened up and talked. It really helped. You sound very depressed, you can get help, please do it, you are worth it. X

Jamiefraserskilt · 08/08/2018 22:45

Hey, you have more than you think. You touch more people than you can imagine. Please do not ever think you will not be missed.
Brains get sick too. You need to get support and help. Can you speak to your parents? Will they understand?
Sometimes, when you can't face people, someone you don't know is the best person to help, albeit over the phone. You have reached out to the folk at mumsnet and you can reach out to the Samaritans. They will not judge, they will listen.
Your g p can help. It's a chemical imbalance that they can help fix. Depression is an illness, and you can get through tonight, tomorrow and the foreseeable future but first you need to do something brave. You need to speak and be heard. You owe it to yourself.
Sending hugs x

dottycat123 · 08/08/2018 22:46

I am a mental health nurse, you sound significantly depressed. There is support around tonight, many A&E's have a liaison nurse over night or can get a crisis team to see you. I know you won't believe me but you can get better with help.

bluemascara · 08/08/2018 22:46

Awk op my heart goes out to you.
You are sick... you need to get treatment for your illness.
If you broke your leg, would you stay at home and endure the pain? No, you'd go to the hospital and get it treated.
Depression is exactly the same. You just need to show up and get treatment.
Where in the country are your? There are numerous local charities that can help you now.
You would be missed if you died. Sorely missed. You will get better and you will find the will to love again, I promise you.
Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.
Please please go see a professional. If you can't talk to them about it, show them what you've written in this post.
We are here for you
Sending you love and hugs xxx

2018SoFarSoGreat · 08/08/2018 22:51

WishICould1 I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug.

Please listen to those who have been through this. It can get better. It is not weakness, it is sickness. It can be helped. Please, please give yourself the chance of a future that is brighter and where all things are possible. Because they are. If you can reach out for that help, it will be there. This is step one. Flowers

flutteryleaves · 08/08/2018 22:53

please get help.

please get help. you DO have value, you have worth and you deserve a life. you wont believe it but its true. you might not think you do or think it's pointless but it isn't and you are not!

talk to Samaritans. you can talk in confidence, cry, sob, let off some tension.

don't be embarrassed. people who seem to "have it all" and people who "don't have any reason" to be depressed have depression.

I think the NHS has stated that 1 in every 10 people have depression in UK (or Eng/Wales). you never know who sitting in your office at work suffers and who you know socially might be suffering too.

you're unwell. my heart breaks for you. please look after yourself and check in with us.xx

hurt86 · 08/08/2018 22:53

Your parents would be devastated to lose you, they wouldn't feel sad for a few weeks then get over it, their lives would be changed forever! Please get some help op Xx

agnurse · 08/08/2018 23:00

OP, if you aren't comfortable speaking to your doctor about mental health, at the very least go for a complete physical. It's entirely possible that you have a physical issue that's causing your depression - hypothyroidism, for example. Even if you were comfortable speaking to your doctor, I would still advise a complete check up.

findingmywaytoday · 08/08/2018 23:00

I've been where you are. Very recently in fact. It sounds easy to say, and it will be hard to see it now but you will not always feel like this.

Please speak to someone, or your gp. You would. Be missed no matter what you're thinking now. Things will get better. It sounds like you're being very hard on yourself - very few people's lives fall in with their life plans. It is shit at times but you'll get there. Please take care of yourself.

spottybetty · 08/08/2018 23:03

Oh pet, you’d be missed more than you know. Just think of all the things you could do and the places you could go.

Please hang on in there. Ring the Samaritans, and ring your doctor first thing.

Thinking of you. Xxx

Cattenberg · 08/08/2018 23:04

I have mental health problems (OCD and GAD) and I know I've suffered from depression in the past. Like you, I've felt suicidal at times. But I want you to know that this feeling is almost certainly temporary. With the right help, you can get through this, even if that doesn't seem possible right now.

Do get help from the Samaritans and your GP. Please don't be ashamed to contact them - they will have heard it all before and should be very supportive. I know it can be difficult to talk about this. I like ColumboHere's suggestion of giving your GP a note. You might also be able to send your GP an email, but don't be disheartened if you don't get a quick response. Flowers

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/08/2018 23:06

I am so sorry you are feeling like this, wishicould1.

First of all can I say that I don't think you are "not brave" v v v
"I think about suicide but I'm not brave enough to do it"
I think you are incredibly brave, and even braver still, because you managed to tell us how you feel.

Secondly, can I agree with posters that first port of call is your GP. Not at all easy to do, and it doesn't always give all that you would hope for at first, but it is a good start.
Couple of things you might find makes it slightly easier.
When you make the appointment to see your GP, tell your receptionist that you will need a longer appointment than usual.
Also, print/write out your OP from this thread, and when you go to your GP appointment, take it with you. You can hand it over right at the start of your appointment if you want (you don't have to say a thing) or at any time during the appointment. It will help.

Thinking of you. Flowers

applesandpears33 · 08/08/2018 23:11

Flowers You are a beautiful person. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Dottycat has some good advice - your local A&E unit may be able to help you tonight. Please feel free to carry on talking to the mumsnet "nest of vipers" tonight - we're really not that bad!

SgtFredColon · 08/08/2018 23:11

OP does your job have an Employees assistance programme? If so I would recommended contacting them as a first step. I know it is so daunting but honestly they are non-judgemental and may be able to refer you for free counselling if that’s included.

Otherwise as pp have said your GP or Samaritans is a good start. I know how you feel and it seems impossible to talk to someone but it is the first step to feeling better x

Winterbella · 08/08/2018 23:15

Hi wishicould1, would you like to talk, I’m here if you want to....

Fieldfayre1 · 08/08/2018 23:17

Please please please do nothing foolish - and all these wise words tonight - stay alive - and have hope - you WILL feel better one day and till then please please just keep breathing - if you die you will leave those who love you devastated.

Plus - I feel my life didn't fully start till I had my kids very late (nearly 40) and everything that had gone before all fitted into place. You won't feel it or see it at the moment - but things WILL get better.

You do sound depressed - and that is an illness - and nothing to be ashamed of. JK Rowling, one of the most inspirational people on the planet (her great books and amazing giving to charity and calling out bullies etc ) has spoken openly of depression.

Please - stay strong and do get help by talking to the Samaritans and your GP. If you feel desperate please do nothing foolish. They are there to listen. And slowly slowly I am sure you will start to do the baby steps to start feeling better - Please do not think that dying would do anything but hurt the people who love you.

Take care.

zen1 · 08/08/2018 23:18

If you don’t want to physically talk, you can email the Samaritans and tell them how you are feeling www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/different-ways-you-can-get-touch/what-happens-when-i-email
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Depression and these feelings can hit anyone at any time - they don’t have to be related to any particular event.
Please call someone tonight. People will want to help. It is hard, but if you make that first step, you won’t regret it.

Dreamingofprosecco · 08/08/2018 23:22

OP please please call or email Samaritans tonight as a first step.
Getting help and opening up is the hardest part but I promise it will be worth it 💐

Theshittyendofthestick · 08/08/2018 23:22

Hi Wishicould. I don't have much to add to things that have already been said but please hang on in there and get some help. The world needs you in it Flowers

daughterofanarchy · 08/08/2018 23:22

OP please contact your GP. Tomorrow
Morning and tell the receptionist
your true situation. They can arrange for the doctor to see you ASAP.
If you really feel you cannot wait until then I would possibly say go to the nearest hospital and explain how you are feeling I’m sure they will be able to help. I’m so sorry you feel this way. Please know that many of us have experienced these feelings. Keep talking. We are listening