I'm a mess and very unhappy

[Itsmeaga1n]

I've suffered with depression on and off for twenty years. I've tried various anti depressants but didn't really find any helped and couldn't cope with the side effects - lack of libido, inability to reach orgasm, weight gain, migraines, feeling numb ... I'm now taking none and feel "normal" again but at times feel extremely low.

I'm unable to work due to anxiety that prevents me answering the phone or a lot of the time leaving the house. I'm struggling financially, always going into my overdraft, although its only £300. I'm 3 stone overweight and look at least 6 months pregnant and find myself repulsive. I'm in my 50s and seem to develop more aches and pains every day. I'm very unfit, I don't sleep well which means I go to bed about 4 in the morning. My diet is rubbish, I start dieting but can't stick to it due to emotional eating. I vape all the time.

I'm just unhappy and don't know how to turn my life around.

I have at last got a referral to the mental health team but imagine they will jusy want me back on anti depressants which i can't face again. I've tried counselling but they're all students who just seem to follow text books and don't offer any solutions to my problems.

I have physical problems that mean I can't jog, run or even walk far. These won't go away. I've just joined a yoga group once a week but realistically that's not going to help me get fit. I've no motivation to do exercises videos and can't afford more classes. I am waiting for an nhs exercise referral and pinning my hours on them finding something suitable that I can start gently and build up a little. I can't even swim much due to skin problems that are aggravated by chlorine.

My personal life is difficult as my adult children and teenage daughter have all emotional problems and I worry about them all the time. I've applied for housing association housing as private rent is to expensive and i have pets I'm not allowed to keep in private rented accommodation.

Sorry for rambling on, I'm not sure what I hope to achieve, I just feel like everything's hopeless and I can't turn things around.

Thanks for listening

Hi everyone, and welcome Amiga

I'm not too bad today, but yesterday evening was rubbish. I felt really down and ill but I've been eating a lot of crap and that doesn't help. I'm trying to be healthy today and physically feel a bit better.

I haven't had a call from the hospital yet I'm a nervous wreck waiting ...

I'd not thought of CBT oil, didn't know it could help depression. I've got some 5-HTP tablets in my Amazon basket, can't decide whether to order them or go to the doctor instead. But worth looking at anyway.

I just downloaded a Gratitude app and filled in an entry for today. It did make me feel a bit better which surprised me.

I'm making ( as in, really forcing) myself to have larger main meals, proper food. Only simple cos I'm not a good cook. But proper carbs, veg and a veggie product to replace the meat. I've spent too many years having calorie counted meals , 350 cals for tea etc, and then being really hungry later and eating junk. I didn't know how many calories in tonight's tea but I am properly full now, don't want to snack.
( Also drinking water, and got cans of caffeine free diet coke today which I used to have as a treat but stopped cos it's "not good for you". But if it fills me up and I enjoy it then it's good for me!)

snow it's hard when your children also have problems too. I would love to wave a magic wand for dd to be well. She is a psychology student so has big insight into it all ( and she hates CBT with a vengeance ) but feels frustrated that she can't change.
Perfectionism plays a big role in both her problems and mine. Does anyone else feel a pressure to be perfect?

amiga you sound like me. I am very much a perfectionist and have been this way for some time, it’s exhusting. I have problems with food and last week I was told by my dietitian that I have disordered eating and I’m to eat three meals a day. That scares me a little as I’m quite controlling over my food (due to ibs).
I keep putting off ad’s but I visited a friend at the weekend, I haven’t seen him for a year and he is on citalopram, he was a different person, very chilled and calm.
It is so difficult when your children suffer too. I, to would give anything for my son not to be like me, I hate to seem him struggle with his anxiety and of course it means I take onboard more anxiety by worrying about him. My dh doesn’t understand mental health problems and tells us both we need to just get on with life and not worry - oh yes, never thought of doing that .
itsmeaga it’s horrible waiting for hospitals to contact you, makes my anxiety goes sky high.

I'm a perfectionist too and get very frustrated with myself if I can't meet my own very high standards.

All my children struggle with mental health problems and it upsets me a lot, I feel responsible and guilty due to my failed marriage, but my kids tell me it's not my fault. They are great! I wish I could wave a magic wand and make them happy.

I'm lucky that my partner very much understands mental health problems and is very supportive and helpful.

Sorry to hear about your various struggles.

I too have ibs and have to be careful what I eat. Bread and in fact anything with gluten causes me problems but I like bread and cake too much! I manage to stay away from it for a while but then seem to "forget" what happens to me and start eating it again I get so frustrated with myself!

So I ordered ashwagandha supplements instead of 5-HTP after reading about it, re depression and also menopause support. I'll see what happens when it comes and let you all know if any good. I'll give it a try for a month and if no good I'll try the GP.

I also downloaded this book:
How to Be an Imperfectionist: The New Way to Self-Acceptance, Fearless Living, and Freedom from Perfectionism by Stephen Guise.
I've not started it yet but if I gain any nuggets of info from it I'll share.

If I felt like I was enough, I wouldn't keep trying to better myself. But if I stop trying to better myself (but failing) I honestly don't know how to be me. I don't know what it means just to get up and accept how I am and then get on with the day.

I did an interesting cookery course that was vegan and gluten free recently.
So I've bought some buckwheat flour for pancakes and chick pea flour which the teacher used to make an amazing "omelette". It has inspired me to cook a bit more as it looked so easy and quick.

( I'm neither vegan nor gluten free but would like to eat more vegan food, just thought it might help with IBS food suggestions)

amiga, sounds interesting, let us know how you get on with the supplements and the book.

Your cooking sounds nice. I've no interest whatsoever in cooking at the moment, it just produces washing up in my tiny tiny kitchen. Today I've had 2 diet shakes and a handful of nuts and raisins

I had some (probably) good news today, although had to make a huge important decision regarding housing and seriously hope I made the right decision! I didn't sleep last night weighing it up and worrying about it so feel really rough today.

On the plus side had a Skype call from my eldest and it was lovely to have all three of my children chatting together ❤

I set myself a task today, to hoover and to put some washing on and I've managed both, although the washing is still on the line and will stay out all night, but I'm going to not be hard on myself now and be lazy for the rest of the evening.

That's great itsme sounds like you had an awesome day overall. Hope the rest of your evening was a good one.

It's hard when even positive decisions cause stress but it sounds like you've really thought it through and hopefully good things will come from it.

Did you sleep better after getting that decision off your shoulders? I slept well last night. I feel a bit better today, good sleep is so important. I've stopped drinking ( any liquids) after 8 so I don't need to get up in the middle of the night, I always used to struggle getting back to sleep afterwards.

I'm trying to do something big. Sorry for the TMI but I've always had an issue with hair pulling, picking, fidgeting with my fingers etc. Stress, anxiety, whatever, since childhood. Last night I googled a bit about it and decided to stop. I know it sounds crazy just deciding to stop a lifelong bad habit but after that I sat and watched TV for 2 hours and didn't move a muscle. Then went to bed. And I feel calmer.
So do I fidget because I'm stressed? Or does the fidgeting make me stressed? Who knows?? Anyway if I can conquer these habits it'll mean so much.
Does anyone else have this type of stress response? My dm did it too, and my dd. Must be a bit inherited, or by copying the behaviour??

its I set myself tasks like that too. Small steps is definitely the best way, too much and I feel overwhelmed and then it doesn’t get done! My washing sometimes stays on the line for days, I just look at it an sigh as I know I’ve got to iron it all, which I hate! Hopefully, your good news goes well.
amiga I’ve got some ashwaganda too not taken them yet but it has some good reviews online, I really want to try something non prescription and am always looking for alternatives but then too scared to take them incase they make things worse!!
I use buckwheat, made some great pancakes last week, the kids loved them.

Thanks. I had a rubbish night, having an ibs flare up and feel really ill at the moment. Consequently very tired and just out of sorts.

But I walked with my son to get his coach, he's away for nearly 2 weeks, so whilst I'll miss him, I can at least tidy up a bit if I can find the energy. Still very hot and humid here!

Amiga, I pick too when stressed, so I understand a bit. I think it's possibly a viscious (sp?) circle. Glad you felt calmer.

Snow, I never iron I'll fetch it in today and just put it away. Then the next lot will have to go straight in the machine as I need to change the beds.

its sorry your having a flare up, I suffer from ibs too and have been really bad with it recently, it really controls my life at times, I’m sure there is a huge relationship between ibs and anxiety/depression but I just can’t break the vicious cycle. What do you do to help ease the symptoms, I’m always looking for new ideas? I’ve recently been listening to an ibs hypnotherapy cd, not sure if it helps with the symptoms but definitely helps me to sleep better. I shouldn’t iron, absolutely no one I know of irons, only me, I’ll need to break that habit!!

Snow, the only thing I find helps with my IBS is cutting out carbs, so no bread, cakes, sugar, pasta, rice, potato etc. It makes a huge difference to me. But I struggle to stick with it for long. I'm going to try and stick to it for a bit though because I can't go on feeling like this.

Sorry you're suffering too. I can honestly recommend at least cutting out anything with wheat and sugar for a bit and taking a good probiotic, h&b do a good one.

I’ve not eaten gluten for nearly a year and sadly still have bad ibs but I had gone sugar free at the beginning of the year and fell spectacularly off the wagon when my kids brought back a load of sweets from the school fete, sugar definitely plays me up and carbs, I really need to drop my carbs, I’ve heard it can really improve ibs.
I’ll take a look at then probiotics.

That's a pity gluten didn't solve your problems.

I'm sure sugar doesn't help ... I've watched a few programmes, apparently it causes inflammation, all over our bodies. But sadly it's hugely addictive. I really struggle to give it up. Love anything sweet. But I'm going to have a good try. I keep trying and always feel much better but then fall off the wagon.

Today I've had a diet shake and then crustless quiche, didn't eat the pastry base, with coleslaw. I feel a bit better now. Just need to stick to it!

Yes it really is so bad and so very addictive, I’ve gone cold turkey on it several times and felt much better but I too, always fall off the wagon, I have zero willpower over some things.
Food is such an emotive thing, as soon as I feel low the first thing I want is crisps and chocolate!!

The probiotics are in a coloured glass (brown?) jar in H&B. IIRC about £14 ....

Did you get any flare up with your ibs when you first took them? I always worry about my ibs when I take anything new.

No not at all

My partner has ibs too, takes them and had no flare ups.

That’s good to know. Off to H&B this weekend!

Sometimes they have them in the buy one get one for a penny offer

Wow I could have wrote this! Literally been on so many anti depressants, 3 stone overweight, skin problems etc if you want we can be miserable together?!