Done

[NothingElse]

Have that complete empty feeling. Came home from work and I'm lying curled up on my bed. I don't intend to move. Can't eat. Barely slept for a while now. All I could think of at work was ways to end my life. I don't know if I can face the world tomorrow, or just stay here curled up until it's over or I crack.
Anyone else? I can't talk to anyone.

Can I call you Else?

I don’t want to put ‘nothing ‘ because you’re someone, everyone.

I’m sorry your day was hard. I’m glad you’re posting here.

I’m glad you know that people think about you and care about you.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

Hi Else I think you can see there are lots of people rooting for you here, lots of people who care and are willing you through the weekend and to making that appointment on Monday. Any little steps you're able to make are amazing with what you're struggling with. Getting registered at the doctors was a huge step and you must give yourself the credit you deserve for that. I hope you're able to make some small steps today.

Hi Else,

How’s the weekend been?

Did you get to see your gp today? How have you been x

Hi again. How have things been in the last few days? I hope you have been able to sort your registration at the GP and arrange an appointment.

How are you? Did you manage to see a gp?
Thinking of you

Thank you for thinking of me.
I'm trying really hard to help myself. I couldn't face telling anyone how bad things were. I've been making an effort to eat healthily and properly, I've been out walking more, going to bed earlier. I've not drink alcohol for a week.
I still get the thoughts and images daily about suicide, impulse to self harm, I got really anxious and panicky today on the way home but managed it by putting on headphones and listening to loud music once home.
A new thing is like shouting in my head... i don't want to say voices but it is like layers upon layers of repetitive voices shouting in my head, I think it's stuff I've heard during the day and it's usually when I'm going to bed. It's disconcerting but I can't make out any words.

You really do need to seek RL help if it's to get any better.
Today I made an appointment for CBT. Just need to manage to pick up the phone when they call!

I'm glad you've posted again and that you've been making an effort to look after yourself. Listening to music is definitely a better way to distract from negative thoughts and feelings than drinking alcohol!

I'm sorry that you are still preoccupied with thoughts of self-harm. I don't know what to say about that (apart from please don't), but I think I know what you mean about the shouting in your head. I do think that you need to talk about this with a medical professional, but it's okay if you haven't been able to be open with anyone so far. Just don't write off the idea as one that couldn't possibly make a difference to you. It really could help, with the very depressed mood and the anxiety, but only when you are ready. In the meantime, it seems as though you are valuing yourself a little more, which is so good to hear.

Hi Else,

So glad to hear from you again and I won’t repeat everything flourella has said but would agree with every word of it.

Thinking of you and hoping you can find some real life support too.

Please keep posting.

Doing these things has been a massive effort. Being totally honest with someone ( I fear losing my job or being signed off against my will) is a step too far at the moment.
I also fear it in a way as ideally I'd go back on sertraline which I found really helpful in the past, but the first six weeks were so awful and suicidal thoughts so strong, I don't know if it would help or make things worse.

Hi, just wanted you to know I have been following the thread and thinking of you.

You won't lose your job for getting treatment. You may if you leave it untreated.
You don't have to have the pills and it doesn't have to be the same one.
I'm not sure a GP would sign you off against your will. Not unless they felt you were at serious risk if you continued working.
Today I was honest. Partly inspired by you. I had a phone consultation and was brutally and completely honest. It was bloody hard but I have a plan and I feel a bit better.
Wish you all the best OP. I really do.

Hi op, I hope you're doing well.

You've taken a big step by posting here and lots of people are rooting for you, myself included.
When you're feeling at bottom, the only way is up, slow and steady.
Things will get better in time and you will feel better but right now that probably seems impossible? I've been there. I began to look at what I had as opposed to what I didn't have, began to see things with new eyes. I appreciated the silliest things and found pleasure in the most boring tasks.

Do you have any family support? Mine haven't always realised how bad I've been and it's when I've spelt it out they've been shocked at how well I've masked things.

A lovely young woman near me took her life a few days ago, in her thirties with several children and the whole community is devastated. You are worthwhile and deserve to be happy and you have the chance to get better. Please grab it with both hands.

Meds are tough for the first few weeks, I really get that. You sound stronger than you realise, you're functioning and holding down a job which is admirable. I am here for a handhold too, please feel free to pm me if you want to ever, I'm up at all hours of the night lately with insomnia and fibromyalgia.

Wishing you lots of luck and love xx

I'm sure it has been hard, but you're doing brilliantly to keep going to work with all this going on. Don't let worries about your job stop you from seeking help. They can't sack you for receiving treatment for an illness and I don't believe anyone can force you to take time off.

You can voice your concerns about sertraline to your GP; they will be familiar with this side effect and there are lots of other options for medication that you can discuss. It's positive that SSRIs have helped you in the past. You don't need to tell the doctor or anyone at work everything at once if that's too much; just enough to make them understand that you are struggling and something needs to be done.

Just reaching out.
Massively overwhelmed, everything going bad.
I have had an appointment come through but it's another thing to worry about and honestly my jar is full, I can't do anymore.
Need positive vibes. To be honest I need someone to just sit and help me figure out how this will all be ok and quiet my head. And other ways of coping.

Else I wanted to reply to you as you are so brave for reaching out for help. I know it all seems bad at the moment but can you see any good in the last few weeks?If it is even just a tiny thing write it down and hold on to that. I hope you get to your appointment as it is so important to get help in real life. Do you have any support from family or friends? My dd struggles with sh and intrusive thoughts but being completely open about them now seems to be helping so please dont keep them to yourself, maybe phone the Samaritans so you can speak to someone about how you are feeling. You are a valuable and worthwhile person and I really do hope you get the help you need.

Well done for making an appointment. When is it? I hope you are able to keep it and that you start receiving help with all this. Try and remember that seeing a doctor has helped you before.

In the meantime, as said above, the Samaritans is a good option if you feel the need to speak out loud to someone and you don't have anyone in real life. I've never called them, but it's what they're there for. And you can post here as you have been doing and always get a response. It looks to me like people here care even though they don't know you. I do; I just wish I could say or do something that would really make a difference to how you're feeling.

Hi Else,

I’m glad that you’ve got an appointment coming up. I’m sorry about the overwhelming feeling though. It might be worth considering that we’ve just had a full moon; for many people emotions can be intensified around this time.

This can eventually be ok - without a doubt.

Your last post seems very logical. I have a picture in my mind of you sitting next to a jar of post-its,
each one representing an anxiety. The doctor’s appointment post-it is lying next to the jar because there’s no room for it.

Now I have an image of you calmly and thoughtfully sorting through the jar so that you can take out one of the other post-its - the least pressing one - to make space.

And then you tear that one up.

Sending many positive thoughts to you.

Still waiting on appointment. Think they've forgotten me. Guy on the phone said he'd schedule it that day and I'd get an email.
Some days it feels so pointless doesn't it?
I'm the sort of person who would be forgotten quickly. There are people like that and I'm one of them.

Hi. Good to hear from you again.

What appointment is this: just one with your GP, or a referral to another service? I have no idea why this man didn't get back in touch with you when he said he would, but that's his failure, not yours. Please call back and enquire again.

How are things with work? Have you spoken to anyone else about this yet? I really wish things were better for you.

Hello, Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. What I don't understand is why when you just need it to be easy to get help it's so bloody hard. Can you face calling them back? Can you ask your GP to call them on your behalf?

It's a referral. It came through now but I'm scared they won't believe me.
Still, lucky to have the appointment

Hello again...
Don't really know how to make it through. Way too much going on and no one to turn to. In itself that is shameful so I can't ask for help and tell anyone I have no friends and my family don't care about me. I think they really would rather I wasn't part of them because I'm odd.
I'm worried I will fall apart publicly which won't help.
Having thoughts (images) of how to hurt myself. Earlier I thought I'd better throw out all my blades in case I followed through. I doubt I'd have the courage but if I wasn't quite with it it would be bad..
I just don't understand how other people feel they can speak to anyone, feel they are worth.., anything. I pondered earlier that life is just downwards from now on and I may as well stay in bed and wait to die. I'm early 30s.
I don't know why I'm writing this, it will just frustrate anyone who bothers to read it. It would frustrate me if I read that someone wasn't doing anything to help themselves. The thing is I feel different. Other people are worthy. I have tried, many times and nothing has helped. Can't even go back to my gp, whoever the hell that even is. Different one every time and none of them sympathetic. Prescription system too complicated. I'm not stupid but I couldn't figure it out, no one responded to my complaint about the practice, I just give up on it.

Remember Mnhq advice and please seek more help. Call the Samaritans now, please.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. We wanted to share Mind's information on self-harm with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.