I don't want to live this lonely miserable life anymore - I can only see one way out

[MumInTheCity]

My dad died last week. He was the only man who ever loved me and I can't bear to be without him. I'm a single parent to one 12 year old DD - we don't get on. She tells me often how much she hates me. I work hard but can only just cover the bills, there's never any extra.

I drag myself through each miserable day just because I know my mum will be upset if I killed myself and after losing my dad I don't want to make her suffer anymore.

I'm not worried about my DD - I know she'd be upset initially, but if I died she'd go to live with my sister and her husband and baby. She'd have a proper family for the first time in her life, a big house, nice holidays, and more importantly, my sister who would love her and have the patience to deal with her that I've never had. She'd have a much better life without me.

I know I'm depressed and maybe not thinking straight but there is no help available for me, believe me I've asked. A few weeks before my dad died I saw my GP. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and referred for counselling. I have to wait 5 months for it. I just can't manage to drag myself through another 5 months of this.

I phone the samaritans most evenings when I'm close to the edge and they're great but they can't really help either.

I've tried to tell my friends how I'm feeling and they've all expressed sympathy but there's nothing else they can do, they have their own lives.

I called cruse today but they couldn't help, I live in the wrong borough. I feel like I've run out of options.

I spend all day crying and staring mindlessly at the tv without actually watching anything while my DD shuts herself away in her room to escape me. Something has to change. There is only one way out now that I can see, I just hope my mum, sister and DD can forgive me.

You're not going to, sorry.

I'm really sorry about your dad it's very recent.

Hand hold

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It's so so recent and it's completely understandable that you feel as low as you do.

You are depressed, but now you are also grieving. Please try and be kinder on yourself. You don't have to be the perfect mum, but having a mum is so important for your DD.

Hand hold from me, too

Hopefully some posters will be along soon who have useful information, but I didn't want to read and run.

Keep posting, if you find it helpful, talk to us.

Another hand hold here. Things seem so bleak and awful for you right now especially when you must be aching with grief. It must feel so so hard when you were already feeling vulnerable and depressed. You honestly can get through this. Please consider getting back to your GP urgently - your situation has changed with the death of your father and this may mean that there are other forms of support and / or counselling that you can access. In addition, they are not for everyone but at this time it's possible that antidepressant medication might help things feel more manageable.

Are you taking any medication. Mental health services are stretched but I promise you, there ARE people who can help.

You will not be the first person who has felt this way, and sadly you won't be the last. Please keep talking. We are here to listens

Did the gp suggest anything while you wait for counselling? You should go back and tell them you’re really struggling. Medication can help.

A warm hand hold here too. Please see your GP ASAP. One minute, one hour at a time and you will get through this awful time. I’m so sorry about your Dad. Take strength from his love for you.

The GP wouldn't give me medication, he said I had to have counselling first. I went back after dad died and begged for help. He gave me a phone number for Cruse. Who can't help cos I don't live in the same borough as my GP surgery (I'm on the border.) I have tried. I really really have.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected], which we can see you've already tried, but please do speak to them again if you're feeling desperate. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I’d go back and either see a different GP or tell your current one you’re feeling suicidal. There’s no reason why counselling couldn’t happen at the same time as meds.

But Hebe, that's the whole point. I have tried to seek RL support. I've tried everything I can think of, I'm crying out for RL support. I just keep meeting dead ends. This thread is just one last ditch attempt to find something, somewhere to keep me going just a little bit longer.

I came over here to see how you are, please update.

It's perfectly natural to feel this way after losing a loved parent, there is help out there.

Hand hold here too. Thinking of you.

Given the waiting list for counselling, and your willingness to try medication (even for short term use) it seems you have been given very poor care from your GP.

Please, try them again, ask for another GP. Tell them how you're feeling. Be honest. No one should feel like they're living on the brink.

I'm so sorry you are having to contend with effectively fighting for help amongst your own mental health issues and the loss of your dad.

I'm not familiar with out of hours doctors, but you could always call 111 for advice right now if you feel you cannot go on anymore. There are crisis teams trained to help in situations such as this.

You're really low now, but I promise you it is possible to have a better way out.

I feel for you OP. Can you speak to your sister? You sound fond of her and would trust your daughter with her, but she can't help you if she doesn't know the extent of your feelings.
And for sure, please return to your GP and tell them how you feel. It really sounds like a prescription might help. I suffered depression for many years but have been free of it for 20 years. I'm not sure why. Without wanting to sound glib a long walk somewhere local nice helps me a lot if I feel low but I appreciate that's not the answer in your case - but it might help a little.
Depression is a chemical thing, please hang in there. Losing your Dad is a huge thing.

Hi I just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. Big hugs. Things might seem strained between you and your DD at the moment but you are her mum and she needs you, even if she doesn’t show it. One day you will be her best friend, trust me. Please contact mind www.mind.org.uk - hopefully they might be able to offer some support. Try to stay strong OP, I’m sure your dad is looking over you x

It must be awful to keep reaching out and feeling knocked back, you can keep posting here, people will always reply.
For what it's worth pre teens can be awful, but I bet your daughter loves you more than even she realises and would be devastated.
It would probably affect her more later in life too; she deserves you to get better and you deserve it too

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way. The loss of your Dad is so raw and so recent.
Please please go back to your GP and tell them you are feeling suicidal and need urgent help. There is often more urgent help available if you tell them you are suicidal.
If you feel that you can't keep yourself safe and are likely to make an attempt to kill your self then you MUST go to A&E, call an ambulance if you have to. There you will get an assessment from a mental health professional and it is a place of safety.
Regarding your DD, she may say she hates you but that's just the teen hormones talking. You are the most important person in her life, and she would be devastated if you ended your life. I'm not saying that to try to make you feel guilty, but because your thinking is skewed by your feelings at the moment.
Get help. I know you have tried, but please try some more, for your daughter if not for yourself. You are worth it. You are in a place of pain at the moment but you won't always feel like this.
Go to your GP or A&E. Seriously. I say that as a mental health professional.

Thank you for your messages. I will try one more time tomorrow. I'll go back to the GP. I'll call every number I can find. I won't give up without trying my best to get better. If I fail again tomorrow then I really won't have any other option.

Sleep well MumInTheCity x

Things always look blackest at night.

I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time, and so sorry about your lovely dad. You must be feeling so overwhelmed with grief. Please do keep trying, one day at a time. Your daughter loves and needs you, even though you may not see it now, and it will get better, in time x

Please go back to the GP tomorrow and tell him/her that you are at the end of your tether, you need urgent support and can not wait for the counselling. Be as blunt as you can about it. I'm so sorry that you feel like this, but there are ways out, you just can't see them yet but you will xxx

Get help however long you have to wait.

Your DD will never properly recover if you take your own life. You will always be the most important person in your DD's life until she too becomes a mother. It doesn't matter that she doesn't have all the material things. 12 year olds say a lot of nonsense half of which they do not really mean or understand. She will not be happy with anyone else. Hang in there and wait for help.

You are depressed. You have a purpose in life, you just need help Please go to the GP tomorrow. Go to A and E if you feel unable to cope tonight.

I don't know enough about this, and feel helpless to assist, but please, if you get no help from GP, just go to A & E. demand help. Print out this thread.

Some branches of the Samaritans have offices where you can actually call in to talk to someone face to face, I believe. Maybe that might be more helpful to you? You could look up your local branch online to see if they offer that service?

Please hang on in there. You are consumed by grief for your Dad, and you need time to come to terms with this life-changing event. Your dd doesn't hate you. I think you know deep down that she loves you and will always need you. She's probably experiencing all sorts of mixed up emotions at the moment that she doesn't know how to deal with, and, as 12 year olds do, she's taking it all out on you. Try to keep the lines of communication with her open.

Don't give up hope. You recognise that something needs to change, but you're not currently in the frame of mind where you can contemplate that you could make any positive changes, and are focusing instead on a very negative one. Try and give yourself some time. You're not in a good place at the moment, but that won't be forever. You will emerge gradually, and what you are feeling now, will become a distant memory. Maybe set yourself little tasks, like making an appointment with a different, and hopefully more helpful, GP tomorrow. Will be thinking of you, op.