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Mental health

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Original poster

I don't want to live this lonely miserable life anymore - I can only see one way out

81 replies

MumInTheCity · 04/01/2018 22:15

My dad died last week. He was the only man who ever loved me and I can't bear to be without him. I'm a single parent to one 12 year old DD - we don't get on. She tells me often how much she hates me. I work hard but can only just cover the bills, there's never any extra.

I drag myself through each miserable day just because I know my mum will be upset if I killed myself and after losing my dad I don't want to make her suffer anymore.

I'm not worried about my DD - I know she'd be upset initially, but if I died she'd go to live with my sister and her husband and baby. She'd have a proper family for the first time in her life, a big house, nice holidays, and more importantly, my sister who would love her and have the patience to deal with her that I've never had. She'd have a much better life without me.

I know I'm depressed and maybe not thinking straight but there is no help available for me, believe me I've asked. A few weeks before my dad died I saw my GP. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and referred for counselling. I have to wait 5 months for it. I just can't manage to drag myself through another 5 months of this.

I phone the samaritans most evenings when I'm close to the edge and they're great but they can't really help either.

I've tried to tell my friends how I'm feeling and they've all expressed sympathy but there's nothing else they can do, they have their own lives.

I called cruse today but they couldn't help, I live in the wrong borough. I feel like I've run out of options.

I spend all day crying and staring mindlessly at the tv without actually watching anything while my DD shuts herself away in her room to escape me. Something has to change. There is only one way out now that I can see, I just hope my mum, sister and DD can forgive me.

OP posts:

BulletFox · 05/01/2018 07:55

OP ok today?

IrisAtwood · 05/01/2018 08:07

Hi OP,
Get an emergency appointment with your GP today. If they won’t provide one then go to the walk in centre (if your city has one) or A&E.

You need immediate help, not a waiting list.

Ask for a referral to the Crisis Team. They do home visits and can arrange help much more quickly.

Your mind is lying to you about your daughter. The consequences of a parent’s suicide are devastating and lifelong. She is not better off without you and I doubt that she hates you. Her age is a tough one, but underneath it all, you are her Mum and her whole world revolves around you. This may be tough to hear, but if you kill yourself the message she will get is ‘I wasn’t enough for my Mum. She didn’t love me enough to keep fighting.’

I will be thinking of you today. Things are hard, but they will get easier.

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 08:22

I am still here. I have a GP appointment at 12. Another 3 hours and 38 minutes to get through.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 08:26

Does anyone have any tips for how I could fill the next few hours? Things which don't use up any energy as I don't have any at all - I used every bit of energy I had to get out of bed and make the phone call. I will try to have a bath - that will fill about 30 minutes. Any other ideas?

OP posts:

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 05/01/2018 08:32

Hey OP, here for a hand hold too.
How about reading through some Mumsnet Classics? There are some very funny threads on there.

tehmina23 · 05/01/2018 08:32

Hi just wanted to say that I have Recurrent Depressive disorder & have felt like you - I made plans at one point to kill myself (and my cat because I thought no one else would take her).

Now I feel much better although the depression drifts back occasionally, I can't believe I went so low - it was like everything was black.

Basically only anti depressants saved me - I had to try 3 different types before finding the most effective one.

But the first one I tried worked for quite a while. Be aware that they don't kick in straight away - it can take a couple of weeks.

To get them you need to see a different gp, or go to a&e & say you are suicidal, or see a private gp (expensive but worth it).

I think counselling may help too but you need the pills to give you the strength to get through counselling..

Let us know how you get on.

BulletFox · 05/01/2018 08:36

Music, nice hot drink

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 09:01

Thank you for your help. Only 3 hours to go now. Am feeling extremely anxious about the appointment. I don't know what I will say.

OP posts:

Auburn2001 · 05/01/2018 09:08

for you OP.
Why not show this thread to your GP.

LabradorMama · 05/01/2018 09:12

Good luck with the GP today OP

LuckyBitches · 05/01/2018 09:17

Another hand hold from me, OP

I agree, show the GP this thread. That way you don't have to worry about going blank in their office.

littlenicky61 · 05/01/2018 09:24

So sorry you feeling so low . I know it must seem like things will never get better but they will. You may believe your daughter would be happier within your sisters family and with all the material trappings they might offer but you are her mum and nothiing will ever beat that . Its vital that your GP realises that you are having suicidal thoughts so they can get you immediate help today . If you feel it may be hard to say the words to your gp ( and thats totally understandable ) then maybe write down what you have told us and just hand them the piece of paper so they can lead the conversation from there. Please keep on this thread as there will be other people along who can help too and offer their advice and support. You are already braver and stronger than you think . You have admitted how you feel and you have made that all important phonecall . Xx

clippedcasuals · 05/01/2018 09:26

Well done Mum. Thinking about you today. You can do this xx

demirose87 · 05/01/2018 09:43

Hope today helps you, even a little bit. Well done for taking that step x

sureitsgrand · 05/01/2018 09:52

Just want to say hi and good luck today. I am suffering with antenatal depression and was in a very dark place too a month ago. Found it very hard to get the right treatment but I did and I'm seeing an improvement. Things can get better. I am on medication now which helps I think.

Also, my lovely cousin ended his life almost a year ago. He was trying to access services without much luck. I found a voluntary charity near him which were trying to help him when he died. He was the first person they had not been able to help. He had a huge impact on that service, on all our family and in particular his daughter. He was so ill he couldn't see how much we all loved him and help was literally just around the corner if he had held on. Please hold out, things can change so quickly it's just you can't quite see it at the moment.

Stay on for a chat till your appointment.

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 10:00

Thank you, you're all being very kind. 2 hours to go now.

OP posts:

sureitsgrand · 05/01/2018 10:06

Well done you can do this x

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 10:40

I've just taken my Christmas tree and decorations down. Feels like a little achievement. Small steps.

OP posts:

MacNcheese87 · 05/01/2018 10:41

Well done on calling your GP. I know it is rubbish when you have to pester for help, but sometimes that's what it takes. My son suffers from depression and it wasn't enough for me to tell them he was depressed. I only got help when I mentioned he said he wanted to die.

Please go there and just be honest. GPs are there to help and most are sympathetic. Trouble is they see so many patients and are under pressure with mental health services, so they really need to SEE how low you are to get their attention. Tell them you can't see any other way out. The feelings you have are very typical of depression, they will have plans in place to help. I'm just so sorry you have to fight to access them.

Your daughter needs her mum. She's a pre teen, they're supposed to strop and say mean things. They also hibernate in their room for months. Please remember, you're not failing her, she needs you and she would love for you to feel better. You're not well right now, you need some help. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up for any thing. Depression is awful and I wish you the best for your appointment.

Please tell them how bad it is. Don't hold back.

Auburn2001 · 05/01/2018 10:42

Well done OP. Have a nice hot drink or big glass of water if it helps. Xx

Original poster

MumInTheCity · 05/01/2018 11:41

I'm going to leave now and take a slow walk there. I hope I can do this.

OP posts:

Auburn2001 · 05/01/2018 11:44

You can do this OP. One thing at a time

Fairylea · 05/01/2018 11:48

Good luck for your appointment.

I think you need to be kind to yourself. It’s only been a week since your dad passed and I think anyone would be feeling incredibly low in those circumstances.

I think even if you feel your dd hates you I can assure you that most probably isn’t the case at all. Like most pre teens she’s probably pushing your buttons knowing you are struggling and looking to get a reaction from you. My mum had severe depression when I was growing up (she was sectioned several times) and I felt angry with her - as an adult now I know that is very unfair of me as she couldn’t help it - but as a child you don’t have the same benefit of experience and understanding. Your dd needs you and loves you and there is plenty of time to work on your relationship with each other. It doesn’t have to cost money. I know how frustrating it is when you’re on a really low income but just going for a long walk together and allowing yourselves times to talk can be very healing even if it feels really awkward at first!

I have so much sympathy for you op and hope you feel better after the appointment.

MorningCuppa · 05/01/2018 12:00

Sorry to hear your feeling like this op, I’m so glad you have called the gp again, just be honest let them know exactly how your feeling, like you have here.

littlenicky61 · 05/01/2018 12:01

Thinking of you and hoping your appt goes well xxx

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