I don't want to live this lonely miserable life anymore - I can only see one way out

[MumInTheCity]

My dad died last week. He was the only man who ever loved me and I can't bear to be without him. I'm a single parent to one 12 year old DD - we don't get on. She tells me often how much she hates me. I work hard but can only just cover the bills, there's never any extra.

I drag myself through each miserable day just because I know my mum will be upset if I killed myself and after losing my dad I don't want to make her suffer anymore.

I'm not worried about my DD - I know she'd be upset initially, but if I died she'd go to live with my sister and her husband and baby. She'd have a proper family for the first time in her life, a big house, nice holidays, and more importantly, my sister who would love her and have the patience to deal with her that I've never had. She'd have a much better life without me.

I know I'm depressed and maybe not thinking straight but there is no help available for me, believe me I've asked. A few weeks before my dad died I saw my GP. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and referred for counselling. I have to wait 5 months for it. I just can't manage to drag myself through another 5 months of this.

I phone the samaritans most evenings when I'm close to the edge and they're great but they can't really help either.

I've tried to tell my friends how I'm feeling and they've all expressed sympathy but there's nothing else they can do, they have their own lives.

I called cruse today but they couldn't help, I live in the wrong borough. I feel like I've run out of options.

I spend all day crying and staring mindlessly at the tv without actually watching anything while my DD shuts herself away in her room to escape me. Something has to change. There is only one way out now that I can see, I just hope my mum, sister and DD can forgive me.

I wondered how you are, hope you're getting along as best you can and dd is ok.

It irritates me sometimes when things are moved from chat. If you start another thread not mentioning suicide and just stating things are difficult and you need a hand hold it will stand.

Traffic is too bad here!

I hope today has not been too awful, Mum, although I know it will have been so hard.
You're probably feeling raw and emotional tonight, that is understandable. We are here if you want to talk.
Well done for going back to the GP. Just take one day at a time for now; just aim to make it through the day and don't worry about anything else.

Just popped by to say I'm thinking of you OP and hoping you're doing ok.

Thank goodness you were finally given medication. I'm pleased your sister has stepped in to pay for counselling too. A couple of years ago I was basically breathing and that was it, felt much the same as you do now and cried silently all the time. The NHS told me I would be waiting a year for counselling and i couldn't cope because I was suicidal. I ended up making a huge personal sacrifice to pay for six months of therapy; but my money ran out. I managed to stabilise thankfully but I have been where you are.

Five minutes at a time. You can do this.

I also have one of those rude colouring books you can get - Swearing Owls - Midnight Edition: Sweary Owls Pissing Stress Off - Adult Coloring Book. When my brain was being particularly horrid to me, I would mindlessly colour them in. The idea is to keep your head occupied with repetitive motion as an anxiety burner. I would also write down - not necessarily nearly, just scrawls on paper with lots of swearing about how I felt, then I'd tear stuff up or burn it. That way I purged what was going on in me head at the time, no matter how much it sounded silly.

♥️🌹

A hand hold from me too.

Go back to your GP and take a copy of your OP for then to read. Sometimes it's difficult to articulate verbally how you are feeling in a way others need to understand it. I think you have done this well in your post and so share it with the GP (or something similar) and ask them again. Or as another poster has said, ask to see someone else.

Dear Muminthecity I do hope you get this message. I have had very similar experiences to you and would like to help if I can. Please contact me, just remember how ever bad it seems you are not alone x