My dad died last week. He was the only man who ever loved me and I can't bear to be without him. I'm a single parent to one 12 year old DD - we don't get on. She tells me often how much she hates me. I work hard but can only just cover the bills, there's never any extra.
I drag myself through each miserable day just because I know my mum will be upset if I killed myself and after losing my dad I don't want to make her suffer anymore.
I'm not worried about my DD - I know she'd be upset initially, but if I died she'd go to live with my sister and her husband and baby. She'd have a proper family for the first time in her life, a big house, nice holidays, and more importantly, my sister who would love her and have the patience to deal with her that I've never had. She'd have a much better life without me.
I know I'm depressed and maybe not thinking straight but there is no help available for me, believe me I've asked. A few weeks before my dad died I saw my GP. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and referred for counselling. I have to wait 5 months for it. I just can't manage to drag myself through another 5 months of this.
I phone the samaritans most evenings when I'm close to the edge and they're great but they can't really help either.
I've tried to tell my friends how I'm feeling and they've all expressed sympathy but there's nothing else they can do, they have their own lives.
I called cruse today but they couldn't help, I live in the wrong borough. I feel like I've run out of options.
I spend all day crying and staring mindlessly at the tv without actually watching anything while my DD shuts herself away in her room to escape me. Something has to change. There is only one way out now that I can see, I just hope my mum, sister and DD can forgive me.