to give up now

[BabsCabsIsLocal]

I can't bear the pain

God it helps to write it down. Thank you xx

I understand. I too felt like I didn't belong. I still struggle with social gatherings. I have a terrible desire to be liked. I can also read into every situation that someone is mad with me. After a long time at CBT and a good bit of support I initially believed I didn't have I have turned a corner. I still have bad days/weeks. On those days I just use the "Have a day mantra" it can be the shittest day, but as long as I made it to the end. It was a day. You can't see the wood from the trees at the moment. I get that. But if you want to talk more, we are here.

@BabsCabsIsLocal firstly

Please know that you are enough, and you are loved.

Last April I was like this, I suffered sexual and physical abuse from my parents, then was abused in my care home, I managed 20 years before I broke, I attempted suicide, it was horrendous. I felt like you do now, it's been in long road, with CBT and lots of therapy, but I'm getting 'back to normal.

Have you tried therapy, never think of yourself as a pain to these services, if you need it they will help. Please know if you need to chat, I'm always around, I hope this thread shows you you're not alone

@BabsCabsIsLocal ok once had anxiety so bad I wanted to die, I had CBTanf I worked amazingly well. Beforr that time I was single and really wanted a husband and kids. I thought it would never happen for me. It easn't easy but it did happen.

I'be no idea what you have been through but someone on here will understand some of it.

Don't give up. A big part of life is making connections. That's much harder for some. But it's not impossible. You need help now, but one day you maybe the person helping someone else.

Please find that inner strength to reach out for the help you need.

Sorry that should be I once had not ok once had!

You feel shit at the moment. That's OK: it happens. No need to make a bad situation worse by worrying about it.
But you do believe in the bright things. You have spoken about love so you know it exists.
Now there is a difference between something being currently out of reach and not existing at all. You just can't reach it now. But if I told you there was going to be a day where your sides ached from laughing so much would you be able to guarantee me that that I was wrong?
Of course not. Who knows when you will find happiness but it you don't stay in the game you certainly won't.
I have no doubt that you have a great deal of worth that you can't see. It is enough to lean on the comfort of strangers to get you through.
And as for Christmas: you aren't alone in not having a good one but that too is OK.
Good luck OP.

I do think I've met more than my fair share of idiots, but how do I rectify that? I wasn't wanted by the .... erm, functional people. Cutting out the idiots means I'm now quite alone, which is preferable, but...
And I'm just so broken I need huge amounts of tlc from people, much more than I can reasonably hope for.
There are good things in my life (that I have fought hard for) but the lack of love and belonging is killing me.
Been having nightmares bout long ago ex... Also the inner child me (no idea how else to explain it) has been screaming in terror all day (I don't have psychosis btw)

I have no teal solutions Babs, just hugs. Talk about it to anyone/everyone on here, there are always people who have or are in your position and can really help. You really are not alone. xx

Babs you mentioned a possible autism diagnosis. Autistic people are more likely to suffer from mental health issues, which you sound like might be experiencing at the moment. The very fact that you've said it helps to write down how you're feeling is good, as it means you're already finding ways to help yourself. That is a really positive and brave step. Keep talking to us, we're listening.

Christmas (although lovely for some) is a really bad time for others. We are all supposed to be part of this large happy family and lots of lovely friends and real life is just not like that. I am so sorry you are feeling like this but would it help to telephone someone and talk in person - the Samaritans are always there for listening.

Get a piece of paper and a pen. Start writing. Don't think. Just write. Keep going until you come to a natural stop. Do not read it back but take that paper and destroy it. Preferably by burning it.

Stay strong. You are educated and smart and life will get better. At times it can be so brutal but when the good times come, and they will, then the bad times make them so much sweeter.

Can you mentally give your inner child a big hug and say some nice things to them - tell them you will always love them. That has helped me in the past.

Sorry no answers from me. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone. And all of us feel like we don’t belong at times. I hope you can get some sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling more positive.

Don't make any decisions yet. This time of year massively exaggerates things and it can make things feel very much worse than for example a general Tuesday in June (if that makes sense)

Try as best as you can to get through the next few days by acknowledging how your feeling but also telling yourself that it won't feel so bad this time next month. Seek out short term support from the local crisis groups or phone helplines.

Get a plan together to try to seek out help from professionals. So that could be gp, talking therapy's, local autism support groups etc

All of what I'm saying does not change that it's total shit for you just now. Iv been there (I'm really not that far from it right now!) shit is horrible but it's also likely temporar, try to hold on to that until it feels slightly less shit.

This website might have some help for you: www.autism.org.uk/about/health/mental-health.aspx

Babs - I have recently been diagnosed with autism after years of being misdiagnosed with mental illness.

I have also been where you are right now at countless points in my life. I'm so pleased I'm still here now. Not because anything is hugely different in my personal life but because I value myself now. I still have dark days but I know those dark days pass no matter how it feels at the time.

Look back on the person you were two years ago. Ten years ago. Are you the same? I bet you aren't, in both positive and negative ways. We all change and grow with life sometimes without even realising it. Nothing stays the same forever and no situation will ALWAYS be as bad as it seems to you RIGHT NOW. Please give yourself a chance to see that.

How are you doing BabsCabs?

You sound great from here-and that's at a low ebb!
Writing can be so cathartic, or put it down here, but protect your information obviously.
You'll be so surprised how many of us have felt the same utter despondency love, really.
Let's get you through Christmas - which is gold standard shitness when you feel bad, then make an appointment at your docs afterwards. - tea and cake always helps x

Also myself and my daughter (who is also autistic) find Christmas a very strange time. I have always found the expectation of happiness at this time of the year a lot of pressure. At least allow yourself to just accept that often it exacerbated things and not to make any decisions right now

Firstly however bad things feel now, one day they won’t feel as bad. Well done on ditching the idiots you’ve met. Right now you may have no one now you have ditched them, but that won’t always be the same.

I’ve had years where I truly wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I’ve never really fitted in and due to an inherited condition and neglectful parents, missed so much education I was only ever able to do very unskilled jobs and had trouble holding on to those. I’m in my late 50s now and have never been more content despite the health issues I have. Since my 40s when I got divorced I’ve been so much happier, met some good friends and joined the WI. I’m glad I didn’t go to sleep and not wake up now. What I’m trying to say, but not doing it very well, is that the things the depressed brain tells you are often not true and stops you being able to see that this isn’t a permanent state and that circumstances can change at any time in the oddest or ways. My neighbour met the love of her life in her 80s, two tragedies led me to my closest friend in my 40s. Life doesn’t stay still. Just keep on going and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. But look for any help you can get. On here, Mind, GP, Samaritans or all of these. You aren’t alone. So many people have been where you are now and so many have come out the other side. It’s so hard though when not only can you not see any light at the end of the tunnel, you can’t even see the flipping tunnel.

The inner child theory is well known Google Penny Parks inner child. It sounds like some therapy, or some more targeted therapy may help. I had my CBT on the NHS.

Hope you managed a bit of sleep Babs and something to eat. We're still here if you choose to come back

Thank you. I do talk to inner child nicely etc, it just reminds me how messed up I am though. I think I've got plenty to offer but I'm aware the world doesn't see it like that and frankly a lot of my problems are due to bring chronically unloved, so I literally can't fix them on my own which is horrible as I am generally independent!
Part of my history is really bad experience with services, I actually get nightmares about that too. They are NOT there for me or willing to offer therapy, I'm actually doing better since I stopped banging my head against the brick wall of attempting to get help.

I'd like to see Jeremy Paxman interrogate interview mental health services. 😁 Get to the bottom of the circle of doom whereby everyone thinks it's someone else's responsibility.... I'm not even sure there is a mental health service round here, it might just be a carefully maintained illusion..!

@Babs - as someone who has dealt with mental health services throughout my life both for myself and my daughter I can only agree they are monumentally shit.

You sound very similar to myself. But YOU know you have a lot to offer. Getting to a space in your head and heart where that is the most important thing is what matters.