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Original poster

I'm going to therapy for work related stress and my boss wants me to tell her what is discussed

52 replies

shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 21:57

That's not right is it - that she can demand I update her after I have my sessions.

I'm going because of her in the first place and her bullying management style.

Had a bad reaction to her underhand ways when she lied to me and betrayed my trust which ended up in me being so upset I had to go on diazepam. As I drive for my job, I had to tell her so that I could avoid driving for the week I was on diazepam.

I have arranged for private therapy myself to better deal with the emotions she elicits in me, but asked to do this during work time.

She's basically said yes but she wants me to tell her what I'm doing it for, what I am going to get out of it and can I update her when we have our one to ones.

Surely it's private and telling her about what I've discussed with the therapist about her isn't going to make me any less stressed!

Feel like she is placing demands on allowing me to access this treatment now.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 02/12/2017 22:02

You don't have to tell her anything.

Can you make a complaint against her?

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:03

No. I can't go to HR as we are HR.

Very difficult to get anything taken seriously when you work in HR as there is no one to 'guard the guardians' so to speak.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 02/12/2017 22:03

Don't tell her.

All you need to say is 'a number of personal matters. I'm sure yoy appreciate it is quite sensitive and I'm not discussing the matter at work'.

Then if she continues email her saying 'Dear Boss,
I appreciate your concern earlier but I hope you understamd I will not be discussing thr details of my medical appointments in the work place. If i need to disclose anything to you pertaining to my job then I will'

And keep your union informed if you are a member. If you aren't a member then I would advise joining one. They can't help with the first stuff but they can for issies which start whilst you are a member. They can also provide legal advice.

LookingForwardToChristmas · 02/12/2017 22:04

Of course she has no right to know and is putting herself in a precarious situation by trying to demand it. Do you have an Occupational Health department? Can you be referred to them or else have a chat with HR?

mummyretired · 02/12/2017 22:09

Do you have an occupational health dept? You could give them some sort of general update, e.g. Going well, need to consider alternative treatment / reasonable adjustment, will need at least x more sessions. Details should be confidential but ideally if you have a complaint about her behaviour you should be dealing with HR or a more senior manager, who can instigate an improvement.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:10

It's complicated as we are the HR department, and her manager is worse than her!

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:11

I have sent her a link on wikipedia to the type of therapy it is (MBCT) and said to her there's loads on the net if she wants to find out more about it, just to shut her up for now. But I'm starting my first session on Tuesday so I'm sure she'll be prying for more info very soon.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/12/2017 22:14

She is way out of order on this. She is obviously trying to cover her own back. as she sounds like a bully. Absolutely don't discuss it with her. And mention to the counsellor that she is putting you under pressure to disclose what is discussed in the sessions.

. If you are in a union then you could ask them for advice. This is pretty bad and I'd say you'd certainly have a case for taking out a grievance against her. You really need advice on how to deal with this wretched woman. Is there nobody senior you can approach?

MajesticWhine · 02/12/2017 22:17

That is completely inappropriate. Don’t tell her anything. You could just say something that is not at all related to you personally like it’s helping me to manage my stress. But really it would be better to refuse to say anything because it’s bang out of order.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:19

There's a culture of bullying unfortunately. It has made me so ill. A senior manager gave her feedback on me for my review which was, basically, lies. Saying I'd not done a piece of work that I'd had, or that I'd voluntarily withdrawn from a project when in fact I was told there were too many people on it so some of us were taken off.

Anyway she told me to my face she believed me, then in my written review made it clear she was taking the managers side - this was 2 days after telling me to my face not to worry as she believed me.

I got so upset about this I had a major stress reaction and had to go on medication. For my own health, I have sought therapy to deal with the stress.

I just need some advice on what to tell her when she demands to know what has happened in the therapy.

It's like she thinks it's a skills course when she can ask me what I've learnt, not medical treatment!

Her boss is a worse bully than her and will protect her so there's no one else to go to. I don't have enough on her to raise a grievance nor do I really want to. I just want her to leave me the fuck alone and let me do my therapy.

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 02/12/2017 22:19

You work in HR, so you know beyond beyond asking for confirmation of the appointments that anything discussed there is confidential.

Perhaps it's time to look for a new job.

WhoWants2Know · 02/12/2017 22:24

It’s definitely time to look for a new job.

Of course she can’t ask. But she is, because she wants to gauge whether you may be advised to file a grievance or resign and sue for constructive dismissal.

BigBairyHollocks · 02/12/2017 22:24

OP,I feel your pain.I am HR too and there’s one of my colleagues who mercilessly bullies me,the only plus of her is that she does it to everyone.But you’re right,without a sympathetic director,there’s nowhere to go with it.I would advise to take the therapy,hold your tongue and look for another job.Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/12/2017 22:25

Ask the therapist for advice on what to do.

glow1984 · 02/12/2017 22:25

I don’t think therapy for work related stress is going to help in the long term. Getting a new job will.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 22:27

Discuss this with the therapist. And then tell the boss that the councillor is bound by confidentiality and infact your councillor has told you not to discuss things with the boss too. And that you are following her direction. .

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:28

I think she is asking because a) she's nosy b) she wants to appear to be concerned and most worryingly, c ) she wants info to use against me, and to understand my weak spots so she can dominate me further.

I think I'm going to tell her that the therapist has recommended I don't discuss the sessions with her, what do you think? She can't really say no to that.

The reckless part of me would be so tempted to say 'yes, we talked about you and what a bully you've been'.. but of course I won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:30

It's not so easy to get a new job glow as my current job fits perfectly with having a young family, although there is some travel I work a lot of days from home. So I don't want to give this job up unless it reaches a point where it really is making me unhappy. Most of the time I can cope ok. I just need to learn how to manage my stress better so I can put up with her without going insane.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 22:30

Yes just say you’ve discussed sharing the sessions with your boss but firmly decided against it in therapy with your therapist.

MilesHuntsWig · 02/12/2017 22:31

Do you have an ethics officer at your work or do you know/have access to anyone on the senior leadership team?

If this were at our company a different director would be required to investigate without involving people in the HR dept (using someone suitably impartial, ie a contractor).

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 22:33

Or deflect everything back on to her
‘Why are you wanting to know what the sessions are about?’
‘Do you think it’s appropriate to share confidential discussions’

Unicorn81 · 02/12/2017 22:39

Yeah just tell her you discussed if you should tell anyone about the sessions and advised not to as its personal. Im a carer for my partner and various managers wanted all the details of my partners conditions and treatment and now i wish i hadnt told them as much. I also have anxiety and they say they care and to tell them if too much on my plate byg when i do they ignore me. Look after yourself and find a way to get through day x

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 02/12/2017 22:41

Just close it off,

“I’m having personal issues and I really appreciate you letting me make the time up to deal with this”

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:45

Yeah I don't trust her further than I can throw her.. her reaction to me getting upset was to discredit me and say I was over reacting and needed to go to occupational health.. she did not take any responsibility although I have now got her to change the review, she didn't back down completely but has partially retracted some of what she said.

It beggars belief that we work in HR and would never advise the managers we support to act like this, in fact she would tell me off if I gave such advice as what she does, but as I said before.. who guards the guards? It is really difficult working in HR at times like this.

Luckily the people I work for (in terms of my internal clients) are lovely and supportive and a few have found out about this and told me how disgusted they were.

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 02/12/2017 22:47

Then your internal clients need to support you taking it to someone more senior....