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Original poster

I'm going to therapy for work related stress and my boss wants me to tell her what is discussed

52 replies

shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 21:57

That's not right is it - that she can demand I update her after I have my sessions.

I'm going because of her in the first place and her bullying management style.

Had a bad reaction to her underhand ways when she lied to me and betrayed my trust which ended up in me being so upset I had to go on diazepam. As I drive for my job, I had to tell her so that I could avoid driving for the week I was on diazepam.

I have arranged for private therapy myself to better deal with the emotions she elicits in me, but asked to do this during work time.

She's basically said yes but she wants me to tell her what I'm doing it for, what I am going to get out of it and can I update her when we have our one to ones.

Surely it's private and telling her about what I've discussed with the therapist about her isn't going to make me any less stressed!

Feel like she is placing demands on allowing me to access this treatment now.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 02/12/2017 22:48

I think it would have been better for you to have had the therapy on your own time rather than during working hours. The fact that it's on work time makes your boss believe that she has the right to know what's going on.

She is very unreasonable to expect you to share, but in your position, I would have done it in my own time.

AdaColeman · 02/12/2017 22:49

Surely it is the same a medical confidentiality? You wouldn't tell her about your talks with your Consultant.
Are you in a Union? If so ask them for advice.

Your reply to her should be as brief as possible, "No, it is confidential".

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 22:56

I think once I've started it, she cannot stop allowing me to go - or I really would have grounds for a grievance. So I've gone along with it to get her to agree and then will backtrack, maybe using the line that the therapist doesn't think it's a good idea, to avoid having to disclose anything else.

As I travel for work often quite far away, it would be difficult to arrange a regular evening slot without telling work, as I often don't know when I'm working late or having overnight stays. So easier in some ways to get the ok from work to book in to my diary in work time.. didn't think she'd make these demands.

OP posts:
WLmum · 02/12/2017 22:57

Absolutely not in no way ever! Get oc health to back you that you taking the time for work aides your recovery and so is necessary. Plus, email your boss so it's in writing, saying that you appreciate her concern with regards to your stress and her support in facilitating you attending therapy sessions to address it. As I'm sure you are aware, therapy requires a high degree of trust and confidentiality to be successful and as such you would appreciate privacy and will not be discussing the content of therapy sessions with anyone but the therapist, however you will of course be happy to provide evidence of session dates and times.

Emails to cover your back - verbal agreements can be disputed. Use everything you know to protect yourself.

PositivelyPERF · 02/12/2017 22:58

Have you told OH that she's demanding to know what happens in therapy. They will probably tell her to back off.

PickAChew · 02/12/2017 22:59

Tell her that your therapist has stressed that pressing someone in your workplace for details of what goes on in private therapy sessions is highly unprofessional, so your therapist understands exactly why you are seeing them.

GetYourRocksOff · 02/12/2017 23:02

I say this with good will, experience of a similar situation and hindsight.

Leave. As soon as you can. Get signed off if need be.

Working with someone like her will drive you mad, if it hasn't already. You won't win this whilst your in it. Get away, get well and wait for karma to get her.

EmmaHealy23 · 02/12/2017 23:04

Well for a start it's confidential of course and she should bloody well know that! She sounds like she's not bothered by boundaries and she is going to keep prying...if it were me I'd say it was for insomnia or something like that, kind of vague, not a million miles away from the truth but not something that's likely to get you in the firing line either.

If it's not an option to find a new job and you obviously don't want to tell her the truth, try to find a bit of a white lie to fob her off.

She sounds bloody horrible x

GetYourRocksOff · 02/12/2017 23:04

You shouldn't have to manage stress and medicate yourself to get through a day at work. You need to get out and when you do you will remember what it's like to work somewhere normal.

tampinfuminragin · 02/12/2017 23:06

"No I'm not telling you" will suffice.

She can't ask that of you.

CandleLit · 02/12/2017 23:09

Personally I would be comfirming the discussion with her in an email too if she asks you and you respond with the above lines - that might put the shits up her.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 23:15

Thanks Candlelit - do you mean if / when she asks me 'so what have you learned from your therapy sessions this week' I tell her i'm not comfortable disclosing confidential info then email this to her after?

I think she's really trying to make this all about me rather than her... the more she can think I'm mentally unwell, the less she can think she's part of the problem. That was certainly the impression I got from her when I first raised the issues to her... as it had upset me so much it meant I did become unwell, but I can see her using that to try and say I've over reacted/it's all in my head, so that she dodges any responsibility for being a causal factor.

At the end of the day, it is my responsibility how I manage what's inside my head, but that doesn't let her off the hook for being a bully and causing the upset in the first place.. if that makes sense?

OP posts:
tiptopteepe · 02/12/2017 23:17

Just shut that straight down. She has no right to know and it would render your therapy useless. I agree with PP saying that you should write her an email so that you have it in writing that she has requested this info on you. She wont be stupid enough to carry on requesting it then because in that case you would build enough evidence up against her to make a complaint.
Also ask your therapist for advice on how to handle the situation.

Good luck to you it sounds really difficult for you. Hope your therapy helps or that you are able to find a new job. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 02/12/2017 23:22

I know you've said you don't want to leave until the job makes you really unhappy, but having read your posts, I can't see any interpretation of this where you're not already at that point. It's all very well it fitting in with family life if it's putting you on the rack like this. Start a full on job search in January when there will be lots more around.

CandleLit · 02/12/2017 23:29

Yes. I'd be writing, "To confirm our conversation a few moments ago when you asked me to share the details of my therapy session, as discussed, I am not able to share on the advice of my therapist. KR, shouldaknownbetter."

I had a bully boss and whenever he said/suggested something truely outrageous that I totally disagreed with, I followed the convo up in an email. Used to make him shit his pants and back off (for that day/subject at least). He sometimes followed up by saying I had misunderstood or back-pedalling, but it had the desired effect so I didn't give two hoots about that.

The only viable solution long term for me was to change jobs and it really was the best decision. I got promoted twice in quick succession - he was holding me back career wise.

I know you said you would leave when you are unhappy, but if your work situation has meant needing medication to cope with crap management, that time is probably here.

By the way, you probably don't need to learn to be more resilient or whatever the reason is to go to therapy. You just need a better boss and team (sounds like a horrid culture if both your boss and her boss are behaving so inappropriately). The only way that will happen is to go out there and find one because bad bosses rarely change.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2017 23:29

I think you should start looking for a new job. It sounds horrific for an HR department. And the fact that her boss is even worse than she is makes things more or less impossible. I agree don't even let her start. Say these sessions are confidential and I won't be discussing them. If she is difficult ask her to put in writing her reasons for wanting to know about your sessions. She won't.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 02/12/2017 23:39

Why do people seem to think that HR people will be nice and uphold all the values and behaviours they are seen to promote? I mean, I do... well I try.. but most senior HR people I've worked with are absolute hypocrites and shit on their own staff. I guess they rely on the fact that there is no HR to go to if you work in HR?

OP posts:
Milkandtwosugarsplease · 02/12/2017 23:48

I’ve worked with a bully before and you really do need to get out. It ends up taking over, Therapy will help you deal with your personal issues but it won’t stop your boss’s nastiness. I left a job that was otherwise perfect because of my boss. Waking up every day and dreading going to work and then putting up with 8 ish hours of feeling like utter crap is not a way to live. When she asks about your session just say that it’s all very personal and you’re not comfortable discussing it. Then start looking for a job, one that won’t cost you your health.

GetYourRocksOff · 02/12/2017 23:48

Candle I agree. I was in counselling and started cbt and mindfulness. It was all because of my awful boss. I didn't need any of that.

Well, the mindfulness is useful. But the point being i didn't need all those supports, I needed away.

GetYourRocksOff · 02/12/2017 23:50

And that job I left was perfect. Where I wanted to be, 5 minute commute and fitted around the kids.

What didn't suit the kids was a frazzled, stressed, strung out mother.

CandleLit · 02/12/2017 23:57

I hear you. I loved my job. Haven't felt quite that way about my work since even though on I'm now more successful, however physical and mental health trumps everything. It's all about balance.

I got prescribed antidepressants because of my work situation and that was the real "what the actual fuck am I doing?!" moment (well, it wa more my friends saying this to me!) and I made my escape plan. No regrets, except I sometimes wish I'd done it three years before I did.

Original poster
shouldaknownbetter · 03/12/2017 00:39

The thing is, months and months can go where I just kind of put up with her and ignore the bullshit. I have a colleague who also reports in to her and also finds her intolerable, she doesn't seem to attract the bullying as much as me though, I think I am a bit more vocal/resistant which seems to bring out the bullying urge.

When I first started she was nasty and underhand with me before she went on maternity leave (around 5 months in) and I was going to leave then but stayed as she was going off for a year and her replacement was lovely. When she came back I was very wary of her to begin with but over time she gained my trust - not completely, but a little. Enough to betray me and make me feel like a fool for believing she'd changed.

That's what upset me - the betrayal. If I don't ever trust her again, and keep myself very guarded, maybe I can get through. If not, I will leave... but I'm not ready to yet.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 03/12/2017 01:26

Just be nice to her but very boundaried. Log any thing

Mxyzptlk · 03/12/2017 01:42

Definitely don't tell her anything and put in writing (email) that you won't be telling her and what are her reasons for asking.

It doesn't matter that it's in work time. It's still none of her business.

FV45 · 03/12/2017 10:43

Surely people who work in HR have the same rights etc as everyone else.