Managed to call the dr - not sure I'll make it

[madcatsforever]

Hi

Thanks to those who replied yesterday. I managed to build up the courage to call the doctors and have an appointment on Monday.

It feels quite a long way off, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through these next few days.

I've self harmed so much I'm struggling to hide the marks, I'm so scared of anyone seeing and having to explain it.

Things are so hard at home, I hate being here yet can't stand going out either.

I desperately want to end it all, put an end to the misery once and for all. I'm scared to try as I know I'll fail again. It's all too much.

Check your messages.

@erinaceus thanks for the classics - that's passed some time this morning.

My cats hate the dog, the dog desperately wants to play with the cats. I live in hope that one day they'll get along.

@koaladownunder, thank you for the message xx

I'm glad classics helped.

Alas, "like cats and dogs" eh? I remember with the small furries we had, the family got a dog. One family member who shall remain nameless decided it was necessary to introduce the small furry to the dog. The small furry went into a state of shock, completely rigid, and did not move for several days poor thing. I would imagine that a cat can stand up for itself a bit better.

The cats definitely rule the roost here, poor dog has had many a smack on the nose for getting too close.

If your not getting the rest. Both your mind and body you will be exhausted trust me I've been where you are quite a few times also over the years. My last episode 4 yrs ago being the worse, I was with chmt for 2 years. I still have good and bad days, even now I think on a bad day oh no it's back!! And really have to mush myself more than ever.
No way am I going back down that tunnel, and its bloody hard road as you know.

Tonight please take the zopiclone, it will help you enormously, nothing worse than not getting sleep to feel agitated,flat and exhausted

Are Gp just given them to you short term? 14 days

I have diazepam on a as and when needed basis, - 28 pkt may last me 6 mths

You have been here before, I'm sure you know the bad sides of it you've just forgotten how bad it feels and the Terrible symptoms we get with it. It's that waiting time we can't do with, that's why they give us diazepam/zopiclone to ease it and we can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care x

I have diazepam and zopiclone left over from before, I'm not sure that my gp will prescribe any more as I previously used them as part of an overdose.

I can't take them then I will lose my safety net of knowing they're there.

Maybe on Monday if I get more then I can use some

Would you go under the crisis team? In our area the crisis team will do daily dispensing of medication if that is what you need. Pharmacists can help with this as well. I don't know what it is like for you.

Aww hunny I just want to give you a hug. I understand a bit about what you're going through although of course everyone is different. I have had depression from a very young age and been on numerous antidepressants. I don't know how you feel regarding to medication but there's a very good chance you'll find one that fits you.

If you ever feel you want to harm yourself in anyway please go to the a and e or phone nhs 24 as this is an emergency, and you're not wasting anyone's time. If you do go to a and e they will try and help you as much as they can and likey refer you to a mental health professional and perhaps put you on medication. I hope you get the help you need hunny I've been to a and e several times when in a crisis so don't feel like you're alone xx

Morning,

Another day and night done. One more to go - not that I feel anything will really change tomorrow.

@27harper - thanks for the hugs - they're much needed. May I ask exactly what happens in a&e? I've been in several times following overdoses but have never attended without needing physical treatment. What do they do with you? I feel like with the NHS so stretched and beds in short supply I'd be in the way. I'm self harming over the top of self harm injuries, nothing requiring treatment I'm just running out of areas to use. I kind of just want to be safe, for someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok, to be looked after until I can look after myself. Feels a bit childish to say that but that's how I feel :(

It's a tough stretch, just stay strong hun. Easier said than done I know. I like you have been admitted for self harm and overdoses, but for going to a and e when you're trying to prevent a crisis it's really up to what the doctor decides.

In my experience I was first visited by two psychiatric nurses, who had to leave because I was sooooo sick and I could not stay up right, it was absolutely horrible. They kept me in overnight. And here's a thing I want you to keep with you - I wanted to leave, really badly but they wouldn't let me, so don't worry that you're using up a bed, if it's a mental health issue you're considered a high priority. The next day I had a good talk with a different nurse and also a doctor and I was prescribed a different antidepressant (as the reason I was in there was overdosing in the last ones, so they clearly did not help) and they gave me Sertraline. I will never ever go back on Fluoxetine they made me a paranoid suicidal wreck!

I was also referred to a psychiatrist and was pushed to the front of the queue. Also you're not being childish hun! That's how you feel comfortable! I'm a bit the opposite, i dont want to talk abiut my feelings and want everyone to leave me alone for 2 weeks to not eat and not shiwer or even brush my hair lol. I think youre doing great hunny, you're still here aren't you? I used to self harm as a way to convey how I felt on the inside and to mirror that in the outside, and it works for a little while, but in the end you're worse off for it, because you're still in pain emotionally and now your arms fucking hurt. Sorry I'm rambling I haven't slept for 2 days and my train of though is all wonky lol but feel free to message me any time hunny best of luck to you xx

Another day you got done, well done 👍 For getting through.

Regards A&E,
That's the best way to get seen to fast !
Gp will only refer you to crisis team, who will come round your house!or appointment depending on area you live and how over stretched they are.
Quickest way of help is A&E, you'll see the oncall psych.
You tell them you don't feel safe in your own company, self harming, head all over the place.
, no sleep, no eating etc
They will ask if you are suicidal ? Are you?

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow too. You're doing it OP, you're getting through it. Well done. I know how hard it is sometimes.

How are you Op? I thought I'd just try and give you some hope of feeling better by telling you what happened to me- ten years ago I was suicidal, SH like crazy, drugged up to the eyeballs with antipsychotics etc, it was terrifying and awful and I just wanted to die. Within a couple of years I was happily married and now I have a ds who is my sunshine. So life really can turn around more than you ever could imagine in your darkest moments.

So back to the present. Are you under the care of the local Mh team at the moment? You could call 111 if you're feeling dreadful but can't face a&e. Personally I always found the crisis team dreadful but that was years ago and they may have changed by now. Do you have any friends or anything that could be around?

If that is the stage that you are at, do you feel able to call the crisis team, go to A&E, or call 999 or 111? The crisis team would be able to take the means off you, which might help you to feel safer.

I have been to A&E when I did not need physical treatment but was actively suicidal. I stayed in A&E for several days whilst a bed was found and was then admitted to the ward. That was earlier this year. It was not the most fun I've ever had but I am alright now, up and down days.

Hang in there until tomorrow.

Yes there is, Op. there is. Beautiful clouds in the sky. Rainbows 🌈. The smell of fresh washing. Your favourite meal. Sunshine. The sound of waves crashing on the beach. Fresh air. All of these wonderful things are worth living for.

Your life might not look how we think an ideal life seems- kids, husband etc. But lots of people with kids and husbands are unhappy with their lot. Life is about the beautiful little moments, enjoying nature, laughing at a funny film, a bunch of flowers etc.

Remember all of those things that you love, the little things. Do you have things that comfort you? This probably sounds daft but I have a big soft toy gorilla and it makes me feel really comforted to cuddle him. Also we have a faux fur throw and I like to snuggle up in that. Do you like chocolate? Could you get yourself a bar?

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that you will be alright, because I promise you, you will. And although we are strangers on here we care and want to help.

Please don't hurt yourself. You are far more important than you will ever know. You must call the 111 number and tell them how you feel. I know exactly what you mean about feeling uncomfortable with asking for help but whenever I'm honest with my therapist or GP and thy give me that help it feels so comforting and I feel so relieved. Will you promise me you will call someone?

Madcatsforever I don't know what words I can say that will help. However based on your username here's a pic of my little girl, if it only makes you feel stronger for 1 second it's worth it.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We'd echo what others have said and urge you to seek real life help this evening.

We've had to delete one of your messages, above, as we're afraid we aren't allowed to keep posts like that up on Mumsnet, that discuss details of suicide.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I've just read through the thread and just wanted to say it sounds like you've been so strong up until now, you're now very close to Monday. As others have suggested, go to A&E. You are worth every second of their time and that is what the NHS is there for.

I know you said you had emailed the Samaritans and didn't know if you could find the words, but if you do feel you can, maybe ring them too. You can say as much or as little as you like, even silence is okay and they may help you to unmuddle how you're feeling. They are non judgemental and you can put the phone down at any second if you feel it's not helping, without having to explain yourself at all or even say goodbye. I've seen you're unable to discuss the details of suicide on mumsnet, but you could talk this through with them if you felt it would help.

I hope you can get through until tomorrow and see your GP if you don't go to A&E. As a pp said, break it down into small sections of time, and just focus on getting through until the next goal. Please do go to A&E though, it'll take a lot of bravery but they will help you from there.

I'm sorry I didn't realise I was breaking a rule, I never meant to upset anyone.

Thank you all for your lovely messages, I wish you all well xxx

I've been where you are OP. Don't go further. There is a way through this. Monday is close and you can get better.

Hi
Not long now, i know every min seems like an hour.

When you see gp tomorrow if you feel you cant say it, tonight write it down on paper and give it to her/him tomorrow[lots of people do this]
If you think you would be better in hospital, then write it down and say so. Unless you say it as you feel,, they wont know how bad you are.

Is anybody going with you tomoz?

It's OK. Mumsnet have a process for when posters are suicidal. I am not upset. TBH I didn't realise you had broken the rule either.

Hang in there, not long until Monday now.

There's so many Mumsnetters here who wish you the very best you are doing amazingly Madcats sending you huge hugs xx