Health anxiety is ruining my life

[BonnieBlueButler]

For the last 3 weeks I've been convinced I have bowel cancer. Today, I noticed one tonsil is bigger than the other so now I think I have lymphoma instead. Or maybe I have both. Either way, I'm certain something is wrong and it's just a case of finding it.

Does anyone relate? I've had HA for a while, ever since I've had my children but it's out of control at the moment. My life is miserable and I hate what it is doing to me and hate myself for it. I'm missing so much with my children as I'm spending all my time worrying that I will leave them.

I'm terrified to touch my own body in case I find something else. I'm googling constantly which I fully realise just feeds my anxiety and spirals me but it's compulsive. I'm desperately looking for something to reassure me but end up feeling worse.

I've had CBT in the past but it hasn't really helped too much. She told me she could only really treat me for general anxiety as HA is very difficult to treat as it's not altogether illogical. Is this anyone else's experience?

I found myself checking my son's tonsils today to compare to my own and I know I need help. My mom did the same when I was growing up and it's all I can remember. I'm horrified that I'm repeating the same cycle.

Has anyone successfully managed to control their HA? I'm getting pretty desperate.

hi BonnieBlueButler sorry i have no advice as such, i jisy didnt want to read and not reply! i have been really bad myself this week but have felt like everytime im going through a bad path im getting worse! ended up going the doctors and iv today started some anti depressents!

i hope all your hospital apointments go ok! i just try and keep myself as busy as i can! always easier said than done tho!

Hi everyone, I am in the middle of one of my flare ups of health anxiety, even as I write that a little voice is questioning whether this flare up is actually that or if it's a genuine health problem this time. My breathing is affected this time, I can feel a heaviness and a full ache in my chest when I breathe deeply. I am aware of every breath. About a year ago we knocked down part of a wall at our house to make a new doorway and we didn't know that the wall had a white asbestos coating on it (I wrongly assumed that only art existed on walls had asbestos in it and we thought because it was smooth it wasn't a problem). Anyway now I worry about asbestos related diseases my family might be struck down with every day. This latest incident has been sparked I think by hearing work being done next door by our neighbours, it's brought it to my mind again. I am so exhausted. No matter how many hours of sleep I get I wake up exhausted. My mum is really worried about me as she can see the effect it is having on me. I know I should go to the doctor but I am reluctant to officially admit I e got a mental problem, I worry that if I label myself with this then I'll look like a mother not coping and any health problems that I or my family have after that wound be taken seriously because I am anxious. My mum was prescribed propanol for migraines and her high blood pressure (due to worrying about her sister who is battling cancer) and she gave me two yesterday so I could try and take the edge off my chest tightness, it didn't work. I just feel so fed up.

*artex

I can 100% sympathies. I suffer from HA too. It took 3 solid months of my life this year. My fear is ALS. It was a deep dark place for me. The only thing that helped was time. Time passing and realizing that I wasn't deteriorating. I still have blips, but I try and change my thought pattern and distract myself pretty quickly before I fall down the rabbit hole again. The website 'No more panic' helped me. They have a HA sub forum. Hugs - x

Thanks, I'll have a look on there. Hugs to you too x

Janel I can second 'No More Panic'. I often end up there and it does usually calm me down.

If it's any help, when I'm feeling me worst, I often become very aware of my breathing and find myself thinking that I'm breathless. I don't think I am actually breathless; I'm sure it's my anxiety. It is very possible that this particular issue being at the forefront of your mind is causing the issues with your breathing.

Also, my grandad suffered from working in an abestos environment but it was at 20-30 years before he encountered any breathing problems. I'm fairly sure that if this happened a year ago, it's too soon to experience issues.

Hope you feel better soon. It really is awful. I agree that time does help.

Thanks for the reassuring words. My breathing still feels laboured, I'm hoping that maybe I'm just coming down with a cold perhaps, strange to wish for a cold isn't it but that's where I'm at can I ask while I'm on here, do any of you get hot flushes as part of your anxiety/stress? I get it across the face and a tingly feeling down my arms. I hope I'm not menopausal as I'm 32, my periods are regular in terms of they come the same time every month, they last about 10 days though which I've been to the doctors countless times about. Also can you get headaches with anxiety? I get a burst of pain when I get up from bending over, it's throbbing. Have been to docs and he doesn't think it's a worry. I'm sure I get in there and he's like "not you again!" Hope everyone is feeling ok today x

Another HA sufferer here. So sad to read all your stories and know exactly how paralysed we all are by it. My major fear is cancer, as both my mum and FiL died very soon after finding out they had it, I'm obsessed with the idea that there's something going on in there undetected. I'm currently suffering from a bout of shingles brought on, I think, by cancer. Husband begs to differ and insists its stress from the HA. I constantly imagine myself being ill and trying to come to terms with not seeing DS, to the point where my heart feels like it's breaking every day. Off to the GP again today to try and sort out something to make my life a little bit less miserable.

Hi Lala, you're welcome here, although I'm sorry you're suffering too. It does help to share intrusive thoughts and to get support from others. I've definitely found this thread useful.

One thing I've found out, is that so many symptoms can actually be attributed to anxiety. However, although I know this, I'm still terrified by every new symptom and automatically think the worst. I can totally relate to the fear of leaving your children. It's the single thing that terrifies me the most.

How did your doctor's appointment go?

Janel, I've just noticed your question above. Yes, I've had headaches, tingling and when I'm feeling at my worst, I often get a very hot feeling which I think is attributable to my anxiety.

I hope you are feeling better.

Thanks Bonnie, there's so many things that anxiety can cause so that is a bit of a comfort in a way isn't it, not that it completely eradicates the panic. Hi Lala, I too worry about leaving my children, I even think about what I would put in a letter to them sometimes and get tearful. It's no way to live so I feel your pain. I read that sometimes anxiety is caused or worsened by a magnesium deficiency, so i ordered some tablets from holland and Barrett. Have taken about a four days, will let you all know of it helps me. I've also bought a mindfulness colouring book, my four year old loves joining in when I get that, it stops me obsessively googling things on my phone for a bit. X

I've composed that letter in my head too Janel, it breaks my heart. Why do I do it to myself?! It's not like by rehearsing it id make it any easier to do!

Hey,
I'm new to this and I'm wondering if anyone has similar to me.
I have severe health anxiety that is ruining my life. I have always been anxious about health but was able to control it, now I can't.
I can't eat, sleep or think straight. Every single sensation in my body sends me into a frenzy of endless googling, hospital A&E trips and Doctors appointments.
I seek reassurance but will not believe the reassurance. I feel something has been missed or I have been off.
Since May I have paid private to see a breast Surgeon twice, Dermatologist 4 times and a gynaecologist. I can't afford this May i add.
I have been to my GP 47 times this year. A&E 5 times. Have had 2 chest X-rays, CT Scan and I have lost count of how many blood tests all clear.
I had a CT Scan on Monday and I have spent the whole week worrying that something has been missed on it. That lube the radiologist hasn't read it right.
I am seeing a psychiatrist who I feel is helping me a little, he has warned me it is going to be a long slow process to get over this. He says I have severe health anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts.
Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat or ha gotten over this.
It really is wrecking my life.
There is not a single moment in the day I am not thinking about it.
It breaks my heart to look at my children as all I can think about it leaving them.
Advice and even a wee chat would be amazing 💕

Hi everyone! Ah I don’t know where to start, all of your posts echo mine. I’m 27, I’m a mother of one little boy. Since having him my HA is beyond, it’s uncontrolable. I constantly worry that I am dying, I am continuously convincing myself I have cancer or another’s terrible ilness. I can’t help it. I try to reason with my self but worry that this time it probably is something bad and if I ignore it I would never forgive myself if it was something bad..... I’ve had numerous tests for things and still convinced they have probably missed something. Unlike most HA suffers I hardly go to the doctor as I am petrified of them saying “oh yes it is something I’ll refer you” and having to wait weeks in panic until a letter comes through, I get my self so worked up over supposed illnesses I take myself to a&e or end up paying through the nose to see private doctors to get instant help or results. It’s breaking me, my husband no longer knows what to say other than here we go again, even my nine year old son has started saying “my mole has grown mummy” it’s affecting us all. I’ve written goodbye letters incase I die, I’ve researched where to buy wigs when I loose my hair due to chemo, I look at my son and feel constantly sick and petrified of leaving him, I can be absolutely fine and then my eyes instantly fill up as I’ve remmeberd that maybe I’ll die.... even writing this now my heart is racing...... I’ve been convinced to the point I’ve been in hysterical tears that I’ve had mouth cancer, throat cancer, bowel cancer, ovarian cancer, brain tumours, bleed on the brain, breast cancer, spinal Tumour, lung disease and now my HA is at its worst and I’ve spotted a mole which has suddenly changed since being on holiday and I’m loosing sleep, im trying to tell myself it’s probably nothing after all the other times I’ve been in this position but i can’t, I’m sick to my stomach with stress..... ahhh help.....

Hi everyone - very sorry to read about your struggles. Like many of you, I was always a bit of a worrier, and my HA developed after my children were born. I can remember specifically the moment it started. My DS1 was 6 weeks old and I felt something in my breast and convinced myself I had breast cancer. I asked my husband to take me to the ER. Turns out it was either my rib that I was feeling or something related to breastfeeding...I can't remember now. DS1 is now 15 and DS2 is 10 - and over the years I've been checked for several HA concerns. My latest issue is with my age. I am 51 and worried that this is when the health-related problems start. Like a PP said, I used to say to myself "if only I can get the kids to age 18, then I will stop worrying". Both my boys have ASD so that reassuring idea kind of went out the window.
Hoping to hear from fellow HA sufferers and how you are coping. x

Argh it’s just awful and no one understands unless they suffer with it too..... I remember mine started years ago when I was home alone and a group of men about midnight were trying to open my front door, I opened the curtains and as soon as they saw me they got in their car and drove off. I was a nervous wreck, hardly slept after that, hated being in the house alone, when my husband worked nights I would sleep with a knife by the bed, my husband is convinced they were drunk and just got the wrong house as they didn’t actually break in but it was awful, not long after that incident I developed a nasty rash inside of my mouth, I was convinced it was mouth cancer it looked like all the photos on google .... I visited the GP, paid for private referrals but it turned out to be stress related.... that was the first incident where my HA began, since then it’s jsut spiralled out of contol, every day I think about dying, my eyes fill up and my heart races with panic. I own a hair salon and while the clients are talking to me about their illnesses or people they know who have died all I can think about is I’m sure I have that, I feel that way, it will be me next. It’s awful. Headaches are the worst, Ice pick headaches where I have a sharp shooting pain at top of my head, and my neck aches, a mum at my sons school literally dropped dead in the car park 30 years old so healthy from brain aneurism now I’m convinced I have a bleed on the brain and that will happen to me. I try to think rationally and tell my self that would be a huge coincidence if that happened to me too, and I try to remember all the past occasions where I’ve been convinced it’s been something and then turns out to be nothing but it’s impossible to get it out of my head. I constantly worry about leaving my son, I imagine myself saying goodbye and some nights i lie in bed and it feels so real I cry myself to sleep with worry. Argh! I haven’t been to the doctor about HA, I don’t need to, I know it’s there, maybe I should seek counselling maybe? Just Wish it would just go away!

Mrsodlin, have you tried medication? It's been my saving grace. There are antidepressants that also help with anxiety. I agree that CBT could really help also. Don't be afraid about seeing the doctor about anxiety. I was in the beginning, but you'd be surprised how many people seek help for it. x

vikingwoman I am 51 too - yes, it is scary when you begin to realise that the statistics are not on your side.

I had a horrible spell with HA about four years ago having had it in a milder form before that. I've managed to keep it at bay since with a mixture of meditation and lots of exercise. I also have rules for myself - for instance, once I've been to the doctor about something I ban myself from googling or seeking a second opinion. Other people set themselves limits on checking symptoms.

HPFA Thank you for your response - I commend you for being able to manage HA in such positive ways. Good for you!