Health anxiety is ruining my life

[BonnieBlueButler]

For the last 3 weeks I've been convinced I have bowel cancer. Today, I noticed one tonsil is bigger than the other so now I think I have lymphoma instead. Or maybe I have both. Either way, I'm certain something is wrong and it's just a case of finding it.

Does anyone relate? I've had HA for a while, ever since I've had my children but it's out of control at the moment. My life is miserable and I hate what it is doing to me and hate myself for it. I'm missing so much with my children as I'm spending all my time worrying that I will leave them.

I'm terrified to touch my own body in case I find something else. I'm googling constantly which I fully realise just feeds my anxiety and spirals me but it's compulsive. I'm desperately looking for something to reassure me but end up feeling worse.

I've had CBT in the past but it hasn't really helped too much. She told me she could only really treat me for general anxiety as HA is very difficult to treat as it's not altogether illogical. Is this anyone else's experience?

I found myself checking my son's tonsils today to compare to my own and I know I need help. My mom did the same when I was growing up and it's all I can remember. I'm horrified that I'm repeating the same cycle.

Has anyone successfully managed to control their HA? I'm getting pretty desperate.

Snap, Bonnie, my cough has been on and off since the beginning of May too. It's driving me mad worrying about it, I should go see the GP but I'm terrified he tells me it's something bad.

Hi, Flutter, welcome. Sorry you're dealing with this evil beast too. Yes, the physical symptoms become a chicken and egg type thing, I honestly don't know which comes first these days. Just trying to figure out what's real and what's panic takes up so much of my energy.

This is not a popular suggestion here but l genuinely found prayer helped with anxiety.
I learned some bible pieces off by heart and said them every morning..often more.
Eg..do not be anxious about anything but in all things by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that passes all understanding will reign in your heart and mind through Christ Jesus.
Also
In the multitude of my anxieties within your comfort delights my soul
Finally
When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than l.
It wasnt an immediate fix but gradually l found my anxiety abated and one day unexpectedly l realised it was gone.
Even reading therough the Psalms in the Bible calmed me. Im talking one now not loads and lm talking 5mins not hours. You can find them online.
Anxiety is horrible and l hope you find help.

So understand what people are describing on this thread - at its worse HA can make you feel so crap!! I will never be cured but I do get reasonably lengthy spells of stability. So the following are things that help me keep those spells longer.

1. Remembering its not entirely my fault. The media bombards us with info about every disease under the sun, implies that if we get anything its our own fault and urges us not to trust our doctors. Don't berate yourself for having this problem - personally I find it weird that anyone doesn't.

2. Exercise. Not only do I feel better after a workout there are some health conditions that would preclude me being able to complete a vigorous workout - so I can knock a few things off my worry list.

3. I like ACT. CBT I found exhausting - it made me feel like I was fighting my own brain. ACT lets you have the awful thoughts but get on with your life anyway. I suspect it's a question of personality - some people will find one more helpful than the other.

I can relate to a lot of what has been said on here. Health anxiety blighted my life for a long time, especially when my kids were very young. I was jumping from one symptom to another and imagining the worst - for me it was cancer in its many forms. And I agree, the media and all its scaremongering has a lot to answer for and google is nobody's friend when you are worrying to start with.
I won't say I'm over it now, I still have blips along the way, but unfortunately I now have anxiety over other things, which is another topic.
Were you anxious about things before HA? My theory about myself, (which I may have read somewhere else but it fits with me) is that I have this underlying anxiety bubbling away, and in order to justify it, I attach it to something, which in the past was health/symptoms and then I become obsessed with it and it takes over my life.
I am not much help here but I totally sympathise and understand the utter torment it can be.

Can I join in too. I can relate and it's awful.

I've had mine for 15 years (since I gave birth to my first child) mine comes in waves and I sometimes can go a year or two before it rears its ugly head again.

Currently I have a small lump in jaw/neck saw doctor who said it appeared to be nothing serious, I had a blood test that came back clear. But I can't get away from the feeling there is something wrong. I feel more tired, sometimes my hands and legs tingle and I feel numbness in my hands and side of face, my memory goes and I find it really hard to concentrate. I know in the past these are classic anxiety symptoms, but each time I tell myself that another little voice will say but what if....

Cbt has helped, but I'm constantly checking myself to see how I feel🙁

Take a pew, Tinkie.

I've had a pretty good few days so I'm happy at the moment. Hope everyone else is doing okay.

Hi all I'm joining too.

Had HA and GA for a long time but did not get help for it until it reached its peak last September. Have been on the up since March but now I'm 16wks pregnant and made the bad decision to Google some things I wish I hadn't yesterday. Why do we do this to ourselves ?

I can relate to a lot of what you guys have said in this thread. I've always been a 'worrier' ever since I can remember. No sleeping when I was very little, creeping into parents room at night to check they were still breathing, worried something bad has happened to DH / parents / brother etc if I can't get in touch with them (going straight to the 'have they been in an accident thought' before all else), panicking about illness and death ...the list goes on.

Now I'm up and awake super early trying to stop my mind wondering and fixating on the stuff I read on Google yesterday grrr I need to ban myself from internet searching!!!

Oh yes Dr Google is the worst, why stop at the first reasonable explaination for something, when you can scroll down and look for the buzz words cancer, death and others words. I've been lucky in that I've not googled symptoms for a few years and since then i have been happier. I will tell my DH about my concerns and ask him to google.

I also have a rule that if I feel I have a symptom (mild) I give myself a week before I go to the doctor. I've also learnt from cbt to challenge thoughts, most of the time I manage to do this, but the occasion one slips through.

I joined another website for anxiety and they had a list of symptoms anxiety causes and then why we feel those symptoms, now when I'm feeling a bit anxious, I check on the website first.

can i join this thread please! iv been really bad this week, cant seem to shake it off! came back off holiday last friday with diahreah and stomach pains and now i have pain below my rib! iv convinced myself its the c word!
every month its something diffrent! i feel like i cant cope anymore, feel sick all the time i dont eat! im off for the summer with my kids and i feel like im ruining there summer!
i dont no what to do with myself.

anybody on here been to the docs about there health anxiety! im having a really bad time this past week and just keep crying! dont no were else to turn! feel like when i say anything to husband he just says oh your fine, he doesnt understand how im feeling!

lovemybabies3 I went to drs and they referred me to get some counselling so I'd say it's well worth a visit. There can be a bit of a wait to get seen so I'd say the earlier you go the better. Talking about your fears is the best thing for it!

thankyou missyjones im going to book an appointment on monday! just feel really silly!

It's not silly and the more you talk about it the more people you realise go through it!!!

I've met my people! I'm convinced I have ovarian cancer. The last month has been terrible. Went to a&e and they said my pulse was racing (I was terrified, hence the high pulse rate) they diagnosed a UTI but I'm not convinced and still feel crap, now my mind is in over drive. Last year it was breast cancer, I had private tests which I'm still paying off. Been a worrier all my life, I've even thought about suicide in the past, just to be free of it, but worry about leaving my dc and dh .

thats my fear! leaving my kids, i dont think my husband could cope! i was convinced i had skin cancer few months ago and now its bowel cancer! i no how you feel its bloody horrible! i hate feeling like this, sometimes wish i could just switch off. thanks for your replys!

iv also been tempted to just pay out for all kinds of tests and MRIs but id end up needing 1 every few months.

I too am a sufferer.

In the past few years I've been convinced that I have had ovarian, bladder, cervical cancer, a brain tumour, MS and that I am about to have a heart attack/stroke.
Looking at that list I can see how bloody ridiculous I am.
I had a baby in December and since he's been born I've been convinced that he has had craniosynostosis, Down's syndrome, noonan syndrome, Williams syndrome, autism, brain damage and hip hypoplasia

I spend my days googling symptoms and I'm currently terrified that my baby will be left handed as according to google, paedophiles are predominantly left handed. Yes, you read that right I'm anxious that my baby might grow up to be a paedophile because I read on google that it is caused by stress in pregnancy and I was stressed as it was an unplanned fifth pregnancy.

I am completely and utterly crazy and I'm driving my family the same way.

I recognise much of what others have posted; always been a worrier to the point of catastrophic thinking being my default setting.
It is absolutely exhausting
I have no clue what to do to make myself better.

MissAlabamaWhitman I am a catastrophic thinker also with everything...someone doesn't answer the phone I immediately jump to the 'they've died' conclusion

Anyways the biggest thing that helped me is to STOP GOOGLING!!! Trust me just like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and a crack addict to crack most people with HA are addicted to researching anything and everything related to health and quote often this is done on the internet. I have wasted hours of time googling symptoms and reading about stuff I don't need to know. I still do Google health stuff occasionally and when I do it spirals so now if I have a worry i speak to my mom or husband and if I need to I go to drs.

One reason we do all this research is because we want to protect ourselves and the ones we love and think if we know everything we can get help if needed asap this my counsellor tells me is part of a behaviour called 'fortune telling' or trying to predict the future and have all the knowledge before it happens. Over time and counselling I have come to see how this is such a waste of life and time. It is a complete struggle as we have more than likely always been like this so it is one of the hardest MH conditions to solve.

Oh and MissAlabamaWhitman I am left handed and I can assure you I am not a paedo!! Which reminds me there is an awful lot of crap on Google so sometimes what you read is lies and not factual whatsoever so please get advice from qualified health profs and not in Google ...also the prof sites on Google always need to back themselves up to cover all areas so something as basic as a headache or tummy pain they will always say 'however this could be cancer, haemorrhage...' it could be anything of course!!! Arghhhh Google!!!

missalabamawhitman your end bit made me laugh about left handed people! sorry it does just show how silly it all sounds when we actually talk about what goes on in our heads! but talking my concerns through has actually made me feel a little better! i was about to rush the doctors over my recent concerns but after speaking with my auntie she has talked some sense into me! but i agree with missyjones80 google is definitly the wrong place to turn! i am trying hard not to google stuff! if anyone went on my phone and looked at the search history id feel embarrased!

i also think the worst if my husband doesnt txt back if he is out or busy in work! such a horrible feeling to constantly feel anxious about everything! i dont even let anyone have my kids! my oldest 2 sleep out probably once every 3 months and i pick them up as soon as im up and dressed in the morning! i wont let anyone have my youngest only nursery while i work! who my HA only started after having her!

missyjones and lovemybabies I am exactly the same; if my mum doesn't answer the phone a few times I drive down to her house fully expecting her to be dead upon my arrival (my Dad did just drop dead when I was twenty six which probably has something to do with it though)
But I've been a really anxious, catastrophic thinker since childhood.

My mum always days that 'I'm not happy unless I have something to worry about' and she's right, I feel a deep sense of unease unless I have any pressing concerns and if I don't then I will occupy myself with worries of mine and the DCs health.
Does this behaviour resonate with you?
I very definitely have an element of trying to predict the worst possible future scenario so that I can mentally prepare myself.
All I do really is work myself up in to a state of absolute fear.

I need to stay away from Google.
I'm like an alcoholic the way I'm drawn to google to find new scenarios to worry about.

I'm definitely slightly crazy, I know that but I always think that just because I'm obviously mentally a bit off that doesn't mean that something won't happen to me or the DC physically. It's like a cycle I can't break.

Anyway it helps just to explain my feelings to people who have been through something very similar.
I hope we can get some relief from this incessant irrationality.

oh no thats awful about your dad! was that recent? yes i would defo say that happening has a lot to do with your anxiety! did you ever go to counselling or anything?

its weird because i never felt like this after having my 1st 2 children but having my 3rd it was like a switch had suddenly been turned on! shes 20 months now! but i can relate to everything your saying.

It was almost eight years ago but I'm not really over it, I thought I was but then an old friend died of lung cancer, aged thirty (not even a smoker) just completely random and left behind three DC.
Since this three years ago I've definitely noticed my symptoms spiralling.
Reading through this thread it's obvious that most of us have had some kind of triggering events, be that death, illness or pregnancy/childbirth,
There's something about being a parent which brings your mortality and in some cases that of your children in to hideously sharp focus.

I've never had therapy, I've had fluoxetine in the past but I'm just finishing bfing so might go to the GP soon,
I'm embarrassed as I'm a HCP so should know better but if anything dealing with very poorly patients on a daily basis just heightens my anxiety. It should make me thankful for my good fortune but to me I feel as if I'm living on borrowed time, waiting for the hammer to fall.

Goodness I'm a ray of sunshine aren't I? Sorry.

This helps though. Thanks for listening. Hopefully we can be a support to each other, we're not alone in this, that's something, right?

i think honestly mine was triggered after my husbands sisters little girl passed away! she was 15 months! just went to bed and didnt wake up! and i realised i was pregnant around same time and had a girl after having 2 boys, so as you can imagine we felt awful!

thats awful about your friend, that is my biggest fear leaving my kids, especially them being so young!
i keep myself awake sometimes.

yes its always good to talk and if were having a bad day we can just come on here and hopefully try and talk some sense!

must be a really hard job and in your line of work i would think it more common but as you say people are probably better at hiding it.

always happy to listen xxx

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry about your husband's niece, that must have been so awful! Your poor sister in law.
I can completely understand how that has started your anxiety, it would have affected me similarly, especially as it was so unexpected.

I hope you can see that your anxiety is irrational when you pause to think of what's causing you to feel this way. I try to do this sometimes, a sort of root cause analysis of my anxiety, it works to calm me about fifty percent of the time so it's worth a shot.

If I'm no better in the next week or so I'm going to go to the GP. I'm aware that my anxiety heightens in the autumn and winter and I'm trying to pre empty it getting any worse before it inevitably does.

It's good that you've got your auntie to talk sense to you, I hope you can keep in a more rational frame of mind.
I totally understand why you are so vigilant with your children too, I think you're just overreacting to a very sad and awful event, I would be the same but I hope that you can learn to relax a bit more.
I hope that I can too, I'm hoping to give Dr Google a wide berth.

Thanks for the chat xx

Hi all,

Just popped back on to check and can see lots of other people have joined us. It's good to have each other for support but I'm sorry so many are suffering.

I'm not having the best time. For the poster who said she feels she's spoiling the summer for her kids - this totally reasonates with me. I've waited to spend this time with them and now I'm snappy, distracted and disengaged.

I've also got some hospital appointments coming up that are causing me anxiety. I'm aware that these appointments are because I've put things in motion but it doesn't stop the anxiety mounting.

Does anyone have any short term tips we could share? I know HA is something that needs working on, perhaps through CBT, but is there anything that works for people in the moment? Anything that allows a few moments of calm?