Health anxiety is ruining my life

[BonnieBlueButler]

For the last 3 weeks I've been convinced I have bowel cancer. Today, I noticed one tonsil is bigger than the other so now I think I have lymphoma instead. Or maybe I have both. Either way, I'm certain something is wrong and it's just a case of finding it.

Does anyone relate? I've had HA for a while, ever since I've had my children but it's out of control at the moment. My life is miserable and I hate what it is doing to me and hate myself for it. I'm missing so much with my children as I'm spending all my time worrying that I will leave them.

I'm terrified to touch my own body in case I find something else. I'm googling constantly which I fully realise just feeds my anxiety and spirals me but it's compulsive. I'm desperately looking for something to reassure me but end up feeling worse.

I've had CBT in the past but it hasn't really helped too much. She told me she could only really treat me for general anxiety as HA is very difficult to treat as it's not altogether illogical. Is this anyone else's experience?

I found myself checking my son's tonsils today to compare to my own and I know I need help. My mom did the same when I was growing up and it's all I can remember. I'm horrified that I'm repeating the same cycle.

Has anyone successfully managed to control their HA? I'm getting pretty desperate.

my CBT didn't work for me

I found I was answering the counselor with answers I knew would make her pleased, like I had to show improvement.....when I started each time I filled in a ten question questionnaire and when my answers weren't as good/positive as the week before, she was all oh what's wrong, kind of thing, instead of being matter of fact and saying, some days are better than others...so I learned to say what I knew wouldn't make her ask what was wrong, when what was wrong was that I missed my mum and the kids were driving me nuts...or some suchlike....general day to day stuff

sorry to ramble, my cbt was on the NHS and it just felt like ticking boxes..

I had not heard of health anxiety before reading this thread, I feel so sorry for anyone going through this, it must be overwhelming.

Everyone needs to take care of their health and listen to their bodies, but when it totally takes over your life, it sounds awful. Practising mindfulness may help, lots of info online and books etc. Mindfulness is all about living in the moment.

I have been a worrier too and come from a long line of worriers, but it gets you absolutely no where and pasts down the line. I have got my worrying under control, however it does creep back uninvited at at times!

@BonnieBlueButler Hi bonnie how are you today? I've had a stressful morning worrying about IBS symptoms being something more serious. But I've managed to get myself on a train for a weekend away with friends despite a wobble on the way. Hoping you have a nice Friday and weekend.

magpie thank you for asking. I've had quite a good day today I think. School is a big distraction at the moment and leaves me very little time to dwell. Unfortunately, it's when I get home that I find the thoughts make it to the surface. I have a GP appointment on Monday as a follow up to my persistent cough and swollen tonsil and I'm so worried about that. Cough is as bad as ever and tonsil still bigger than the other so I'm scared what that means. It can't just be a cough and sore throat - it must be something much worse (so my mind tells me!). I do hope you have a great weekend with your friends. It's so much easier to sit and mope about it and hide away but so much better for you to get out there and distract yourself.

I am definitely going to try CBT again. My experience sounds very similar to yours ssd. Very much box ticking and handouts rather than tackling the real underlying issues. I also felt under pressure to show improvement on the questionnaires and be 'cured' by the end. How would I go about finding a good one? I've had a quick google but not sure if there is a better way? I don't think GP will refer me again and if they did it would be just to the same place. I don't mind paying but want it to be worth it.

Yogagirl thank for the sympathy. It is utterly horrible and makes you really selfish. It's so hard to focus on anything but how you are feeling.

Hello.

Not diagnosed but this is something I feel I certainly suffer from and have done for a while.

I'm currently pregnant and it's definitely created more bad days. At the moment it's breast cancer. My family has a history of it and my boobs are growing making my bigger one seem more obvious. Also pregnancy is making the bigger one very veiny so I'm trying to control myself by giving myself a week to monitor it before going to doctor.

The weeks wait is a thing I have or I'd be up at doctors all the time. I find in the week I either come to my senses or the matter gets worse and therefore does need looked at.

Google is my WORST enemy. Like seriously it's a habit I can not kick. I do try and stay off it with my symptoms etc but it's very hard when your inside voice is screaming 'you're dying" 😞 If I do end up online searching I always try to end my search on the NHS website which I believe has the best info... Ie. Not scare mongering.

I also try to distract myself a few days after discovering my latest worry... Keeping busy with anything and don't focus on that part of body when washing / dressing etc. Not always possible especially when I'm alone.

I sympathize with you. When it kicks in it's horrific and can control your life.

OnNatures - you are absolutely spot on about google. It is the WORST enemy of a HA sufferer. You're right, it's a habit - an addiction. You keep looking as you are desperately searching for reassurance but for every little bit you find, there are tens of other things telling you that you are dying which further feeds the anxiety. You feel worse and so you keep looking for reassurance. Awful! It's a vicious cycle.

Surely HA is more prevalent since the internet? I know there used to be medical books and my dad made sure we had none in the house, but with the whole internet at our fingertips, the temptation to google every little thing, wherever we are, is just too great.

OP for you, it's a miserable existence. I do suffer from GAD, but there is a strong element of HA in there. I read a book called 'The Worry Trick' which I found useful. He focuses on ACT. I'm seeing a CPN at the surgery but she says I need a psychologist, so has referred me on.
I'm so worried about an ongoing continual burning pain in one breast that I have an appointment at the clinic for a mammogram etc. I'm petrified of this! I'm taking pregabalin for anxiety and I think it's caused me to gain a lot of weight and feel too tired, so I'll go back to gp to see what she suggests. Good luck, I hope you find a treatment which helps.

I could have wrote this post myself when I was at my worst. Medication helped a little but guided anxiety relaxation videos helped me a lot as well at talking changes a U.K. Support you can refer yourself online and you get a councilor! They are amazing x

I've found my people! I'm a fellow sufferer of HA and it's really debilitating. Mine started after having a fairly serious illness, even though I fully recovered from it, it triggered something awful regarding fears for my health, what would happen to my children if I die. All the same things that most of you are going through. My focus was always my heart, I was convinced that I was going to have either a heart attack or a stroke at any moment, I obsessed over my pulse, blood pressure, my chest was permanently tight, always had jaw pain (which was actually because of my anxiety making me clench it.)

I had CBT and it really worked for me, for 4 years I felt so much better most of the time, I'd have the occasional niggle but nothing to speak of. Unfortunately, last year I had a genuine medical emergency (anaphylactic shock,) it got pretty hairy and of course my HA returned. Now I'm obsessing about my heart (again) and of course anaphylaxis. Also this year I've had stomach cancer, oesophageal cancer, breast cancer, thirst cancer and several DVTs. I've just started CBT again so hopefully it will help just as much this time around.

You're absolutely right about it sucking the joy out of life. You also berate yourself for wasting your life but can't help but do anything other than obsess over your health to the point of just not having the headspace for much else.

Hi ladies, I came across this thread when searching about anxiety and I can identify so much with what you've all said so I hope you won't mind me joining the thread. I'm actually feeling tearful reading all this because i could have written any of these posts myself. I've always been a worrier but since having children my anxiety has been terrible. It heightened when my daughter was born and then after I had my son (21 months later) it just seemed to spiral Out of control. My health actually did decline after having my son as I had gestational diabetes during the pregnancy and then once he was born my thyroid started attacking itself (apparently this is quite common) I had a severe vitamin d deficiency and my iron was very low, plus my periods went up to 12 days. I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me and had so many blood tests done as I felt physically like I was on the floor, evenutually my iron and vitamin d returned to normal and my thyroid rebalanced itself (my periods are still 12 days but I've had scans and blood tests and they can't find a reason for his) but I've been plagued with worry about ovarian cancer. I also stress out about brain tumours because I get a sharp pain at he back of my head when I get up from bending over, the go doesn't think it's anything to worry about and is down to my posture. About six months ago my hair was coming out in virtual handfuls, the go put it down to stress, there's no denying that with a 2 year old and a four year old and his crippling health anxiety I am pretty stressed. I too imagine writing letters to my children in my head and that makes me tear up. It makes me feel so low and alone, my dh is supportive most of the time but I know it is frustrating for him. He gets really annoyed about me googling things, which as you've all said is the worst thing but its compulsive for me and takes over my life. My health anxiety also extends to severe anxiety about the health of my children, and I find this far more debilitating. I'm currently obsessing about button batteries. I took my youngest round to my brothers on Sunday, they have two older children and there are always small things lying around on the floor. My ds who's two is a nightmare for putting anything and everything in his mouth, we once went round there and I spotted one of those button batteries on the floor. Terrified ds 2 had got hold of one I whisked him off to the hospital and had him xrayed, luckily he was all clear. Anyway my anxiety wasn't to bad when I went round there on Sunday, I stayed close by ds but there were a few moments here and there when I wasn't looking at him and now I can't stop thinking was there a battery there, did he pick one up? I'm torturing myself over and over. ads seems absolutely fine but I can't stop watching him like a hawk. I'm driving myself insane, torn as to whether to get him checked out or if I'm just massively overreacting 😢

It's horrible, stressful and soul destroying isn't it, Flapjack?

My anxiety also extends to my DCs, one of them has to have his tonsils out soon and that's torturing me at the moment.

I also get how you turn relatively minor health issues into big things. I have high BP which is a hangover from my pre-eclampsia and I've recently been diagnosed anaemic. Then of course you become convinced that they will lead to huge health problems very, very soon and feel like a ticking time bomb.

Have you sought any help with your anxiety?

Hi WitchSharkadder, I haven't, to be honest I feel completely anxious about admitting there's a serious anxiety problem when I've got young children, I know that's probably ridiculous but I can't help it. Its awful yes, all it takes is one incident like this button battery thing, even though I didn't see a battery lying around, I just can't get it out of my mind. I've struggled to sleep and eat through worry and I know it's not normal. It's very hard to separate what's a real worry and what is just an anxiety issue. This is what my husband I clash over, he automatically dismisses every worry as me being over anxious, but there are legitimate worries that mothers have. You're so right about the ticking time bomb thing, I wish I could shake off the sense of doom

Please go see your GP and talk about it. I know that's easy for me to say, but I have been there and putting it off did me no favours. Admitting I had a severe anxiety issue and getting my CBT referral was such a relief. OTOH, I'm still too scared of medication to take anything to help, so I'm really not one to talk

You're right, parents do have legitimate worries, I think the key is knowing when to worry. Which is something I haven't quite fathomed yet either.

Just checked this thread and can see there are lots of us struggling with this. I really second going to see the GP if only to make them aware. My doctor is good and certainly wasn't phased by what I was saying. I really do need to go back though.

I'm having good days followed by a couple of bad days. My cough, which comes and goes, is obviously something awful. I have managed to stop myself googling and doing checking behaviours which is helping me stay calm. The 'Overcoming Healh Anxiety book recommended above talks about how these things just feed the anxiety and sometimes may alleviate it for a short time but it will return as by checking you are letting it control your thoughts. Makes sense I suppose. Just so hard to not check.

Hi everyone.
I am doing better lately, but I will never forget how bad it made me feel.
Now and again I feel myself about to spiral down-at the moment i have some worries about my burping-well it is not really new this has been happening to me since Xmas..it still bothers me but not to the point it did do..I burp all day every day,just little ones that do not really come out-if you know what I mean-so no one else is aware of this.
GPs not bothered,but it drives me mad.
Do anyone of you experience this/or have?
Could it be a sign of Anxiety?

I'm glad some of you are doing better, this gives me hope. I guess the main thing I'm worried about with going to my doctor is that it will be viewed as though I'm a mother not coping, I don't want social services to get involved? Also that if I do have a legitimate health problem it will be viewed as just my anxiety, and also that I'll be pressured into taking tablets.

Charlie, oh my word, I have the burping too. I thought I was the only person who did that!

I've talked about it with my doctor and a therapist and we've sort of come to the conclusion that it's a combination of factors.

1. It started because my anxiety/panic attacks caused hell on my digestive system, hence burping relieved some discomfort.

1. Panic attacks make you hyperventilate, so you swallow lots of air.

1. To me, I feel lots of pressure in my chest and it feels like burping relieves some of that pressure.

1. It's become a safety behaviour. Feeling that (temporary) relief in my chest is one way I assure myself it's not a heart attack.

It's completely counterproductive though because the burping plays hell with my stomach and then I become convinced I have stomach cancer...

I think I've been having panic attacks maybe without even realising it, my chest gets tight and my blood pressure would go through the roof (I even bought myself a blood pressure monitor as I was so concerned about it so I know it was very high) but I found I could get it right back down again if I actively tried to calm myself down so I realised that was my anxiety. I also suffer with IBS, I've had joint pain too which my GP has said is probably down to stress with my body sending out cortisol. I have been trying to cut down on my caffeine intake too as I read that can make anxiety worse, I'm still on three cups of coffee a day though. Has anyone else found that cutting that out or down has helped? I'm thinking you're all right about me needing to speak to the GP, I'm just hoping they won't try to pressure me into taking tablets from the off and can refer me to CBT as a first port of call. I'm very grateful for this thread, it's nice to know I'm not alone on this.

Flapjack you are absolutely not alone. Just knowing that has helped me. Other people are walking around, quietly getting on with their lives on the outside, but feeling exactly the same inside.

I stopped drinking caffeine when I was convinced I had MS. It did help I think. Maybe I should consider giving up again, although I do love my daily Pepsi Max.

I don't think you'll be pressured into taking tablets but it might be offered as an option. Many people on this thread seem to have found medication helpful alongside CBT. I felt as you do, and didn't want to take them, even though I accepted the prescription. I'm beginning to reconsider though as I do think I need all the help I can get.

Please don't worry about social services involvement. I think those thoughts are due to your anxiety. You're taking care of your children. You just happen to be very anxious about your health. Those two things don't cancel each other out. Social services are more interested in those who don't take care of their children.

witchsharkladder Wow just knowing someone else has the burping is reassuring-because like you, I thought it was just me!
I get all those points but I cannot help but think it is a sign of something horrible wrong with me,I have had a camera into the stomach so SHOULD be reassured it is nothing to worry about-but well ya know!
Of course when this all started I googled burping and belly pain(these are my main symptoms-Docs think IBS) I didn't listen to them because Google told me it was Stomach Cancer!!
Cue lots of panic attacks and crying fits every time I burped or had the pain-which made it all worse and happen more.
It is hard not to let my mind drift somewhere it shouldn't now and again when I burp/have pain but I am getting better at shutting that inner voice up.
Still plan to make another trip to the GP to discuss the burping however so not totally at rest with it but it's helped reading your post.

Hope everyone else is doing better TODAY!(worry about tomorrow later!)

Oh and Flapjack I cut down on caffeine-I realised I was drinking at least 5 cups of tea a day-so now I use de-caf Tea bags because there is no way I could cut it out totally.
I did this mainly because I read it can help IBS symptoms and I do seem to have less attacks of stomach pain since I have done this.so therefore my mind stays calmer.
GPs never mentioned pills to me-told me about Mindfulness-and one GP recommended the coloring books for this.
They also mentioned talking therapy(which I would be interested in)
Have not done any of this because it is my fear of Cancer and my actual symptoms that cause all my worry-so once I KNOW it is only IBS to worry about I will be better,as until I know my mind will always wander)
I go for my Colonoscopy next month.

Flapjack, I've never taken any meds because taking new things makes me hugely anxious that I'll have an anaphylactic reaction, I also worry about side effects which would just convince me something else is wrong. Hopefully, your GP will understand that you want to try other methods before resorting to medication.

Charlie, you've just described me exactly. The stomach pain, crying fits etc. I went for an endoscopy last month but had a panic attack after they did the throats spray (it made it feel like my throats was closing up, brought back vivid memories of the anaphylaxis) and couldn't go through with it. But that means I haven't been able to quash my stomach cancer worries.

I have neurofibromatosis as does son and granddaughter

Sorry to hear about your health anxiety.

There is a self help booklet, which you can download from the Northumberland Tyne and Wear NHS trust : www.ntw.nhs.uk/selfhelp or fb: www.facebook.com/ntwnhs

Good luck. I hope this helps. for you

I totally identify with this but shouldn't really be posting as I wonder if it fuels me further? Ugh! I wanted to let you know that I stand with you!

I don't consider myself 'mentally unwell.' I don't consider myself a worrier in general, in fact, far from it really. And I don't have any other obsessive behaviours. I also don't trouble my doctor with my HA as honestly I'm so bloody embarrassed by it!

Mine was triggered some years ago when both my parents were diagnosed with cancer. They're both still here btw but both still unwell

Anyway, it triggered something in me and it's been bloody exhausting. I go through phases with it and cancer is the trigger. Writing the word 'triggers' me. I feel it's going to get me sooner or later and AAGHH

I am massively triggered when I hear someone has it. I was fixated on breast cancer but I've also dabbled with pancreatic cancer, bladder cancer and now I'm having a brief dalliance with ovarian cancer. The smallest symptom will set me off.

It's just bloody ridiculous and I suppose I'll just have to ride out this current occurrence