Health anxiety is ruining my life

[BonnieBlueButler]

For the last 3 weeks I've been convinced I have bowel cancer. Today, I noticed one tonsil is bigger than the other so now I think I have lymphoma instead. Or maybe I have both. Either way, I'm certain something is wrong and it's just a case of finding it.

Does anyone relate? I've had HA for a while, ever since I've had my children but it's out of control at the moment. My life is miserable and I hate what it is doing to me and hate myself for it. I'm missing so much with my children as I'm spending all my time worrying that I will leave them.

I'm terrified to touch my own body in case I find something else. I'm googling constantly which I fully realise just feeds my anxiety and spirals me but it's compulsive. I'm desperately looking for something to reassure me but end up feeling worse.

I've had CBT in the past but it hasn't really helped too much. She told me she could only really treat me for general anxiety as HA is very difficult to treat as it's not altogether illogical. Is this anyone else's experience?

I found myself checking my son's tonsils today to compare to my own and I know I need help. My mom did the same when I was growing up and it's all I can remember. I'm horrified that I'm repeating the same cycle.

Has anyone successfully managed to control their HA? I'm getting pretty desperate.

I could have written so many of these. A lot of you have put it into words far better than I could have.

Something that has happened to me over recent months is that I've begun to hate my body. I will avoid going for a bath so I don't have to lie there undressed. I'll avoid seeing my reflection when getting changed. I'll shower as quickly as I can without really looking, if that makes sense.

I think it stems from a fear of noticing an unexplained bruise or yet another worrying lump. I feel like I don't want to have to one day not be here for my family but that day will come where my body won't be able to carry on. My body will eventually let me down and I feel almost a resentment about that.

I'm worried that this post sounds really strange but having had HA for a long time, this feeling has been more recent and I wonder if anyone else has gone through this.

Hi, Fighting.

Your post doesn't sound strange at all. I'm sorry I can't really relate to hating seeing my body (well, no more than I have my entire adult life) but I can easily imagine how HA can lead to it. The fear of discovering something wrong is all-consuming and ignorance is bliss... it makes perfect sense.

Fightinganxiety I can definitely see how hating your body could be a consequence of years of health anxiety. Your body becomes an enemy, hiding disease that you are scared to uncover. It doesn't sound strange at all to me either.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

I thought I was. I had a really good few days last week. I felt calmer than I had in weeks and managed to sleep well. However, this morning I felt a lymph node in my neck and it has all come flooding back. I am not even sure if it is swollen. It is small - like a pea shape. And moveable. But I can't feel it to the same degree on the other side so it has obviously confirmed all fears regarding my tonsils and throat.

I am so tired of feeling this way.

Bonnie - I had to take DD to the doctors a year ago for the same, a lymphnode on her neck. The doctor knew straight away it was nothing to worry about. It felt bigger than anything on the other side but he wasn't concerned in the slightest. Out of interest, is it round the back of the neck or the front? My other DD who was born last year constantly has swollen lymph nodes all round her neck and has since birth, no one has batted an eyelid. I hope this helps to ease your worry.

I've noticed strange bruising on both my girls in the last couple of days and that is a massive trigger for me so I'm struggling just now with that.

Fighting thank you. That does reassure me. I allowed myself to look at the NHS website and it suggests that lymph nodes 1cm or under is nothing to worry about. I'm sure it is under 1cm so will try and keep calm. It is on the side of my neck towards the bottom. I have a ENT referral for my throat coming up fairly soon - just waiting for the appointment. I will mention then if still an issue.

My two are covered in bruises much of the time. Especially on their legs. There have been times when I have really worried at the bruises on my little girl's legs but she is fine - just really active and a bit clumsy.

Bonnie, you've just moved on from last month's bowel cancer episode. The sane part of your brain knows it's nothing

And yes that's easy for me to say

Ugh. It's bloody never ending and just plain ridiculous isn't it

Bonnie, I have had a swollen lymph node on the side of my neck my entire life, it's absolutely fine. Earlier this year, a second one popped up next to it and obviously I was very worried, spent months convinced it was throat cancer but it's absolutely definitely not. Hope that reassures you a little.

I've had a chesty cough for about 10 days now so my current 'thing' is that I have lung cancer or maybe a pulmonary embolism. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it down that I could slap myself but the stress and the worry and the panic is awful.

Witch - ah yes! I picked up a virus earlier this year which led to a cough that lasted seven weeks. I KNEW I had a viral type cough. I KNEW they take weeks to shift.

Did it stop me googling lung cancer symptoms? No it did not

The cough then went and the virus cleared and then I was on to the next thing

It's so hard to deal with isn't it. Convincing yourself you have one severe or terminal illness and then moving on to the next. My mind never stops. Feeling so drained by it all. Hope you're all doing okay

Well, it's not possible to suffer with them all is it? So I suppose that's what keeps me going. That and the knowledge that it's just absolutely ridiculous

Thanks for the reassurance. And your absolutely right bat, we can't have all of these illnesses.

But then there is still that voice: what if this time I am right?

I'm doing pretty badly today. I know it will lift eventually but I can feel myself slipping and spiralling. I'm so disappointed with myself as I was doing so well last week. The lymph node, plus the throat problems and cough, with hoarse voice all point me to a place I don't want to go.

Thanks for the support. Hope others are doing better tonight.

I know what you mean, Bonnie, it's hard to shift that feeling of 'one day, it will be serious.' We can all say with certainty that we will die one day can't we, and we're always bombarded with stats about percentages of people who get heart disease/cancer/etc that it's impossible to avoid. Hope you have a better day today

I'm really struggling just now. I feel as though life is a curse. Can't stop thinking about the fact that one day, these health worries will most likely materialise. My children will face the same future at some point in their lives, who knows when that day will come. My husband, my loved ones, we are all going to face the fact that life comes to an end. I'm just finding it so hard to live in the moment. I'm caught up in so much stress that I feel that life is just one big curse and I've put this same curse on my children by giving birth to them. I just can't cope. Please help, I'm feeling so so low

So sorry you are feeling low fighting It is the pits.
I am also having a wobble these last few days-my stomach is bothering me again and I am even more convinced its Cancer!
I am actually going for a Colonoscopy(I begged the Docs to send me they didn't see the need)next week so will find out for sure,this is causing my anxiety to become worse as its all at the forefront of my mind again,plus the belly ache!!!
I feel myself having those slipping and having those dark thoughts and just not liking life.it is so hard.
Hugs to you.
Have you tried any form of help out there?

feel myself slipping,and having dark thoughts

Hi everyone,

So I have posted on here before with some tips but as a HA sufferer the tables have soon turned and I'm here to worry.

I'm actually much better than I used to be but today I feel grim. I have possible gall stones and where my pancreas/spleen is I have pressure I'm under the GP with scans etc booked in so no need for medical tips as to what it could be.

I'm just feeling so low. I'm wasting mine and my kids best years how on earth will I be if I'm ever really poorly? Down in the dumps. Bleeghhhhh!

Lots of love everyone hoping tomorrow will be a better day xxxx

Hi babybell, sorry to see you're feeling grim. This is one thing I've started to understand about HA: you can be feeling ok, and then something comes out of nowhere to terrify you.

I totally understand this feeling of wasting the best years of your kids' lives fretting but feeling unable to stop it. My own situation is that the specific things I was concerned about: throat and bowel cancer have mostly been alleviated by professionals but I've been left with this generalised feeling that there is something awfully wrong but I just don't know where. I've even taken to taking my temperature numourous times a day to check whether I have a low grade fever. I'm so mad at myself. And scared that this won't ever ease.

I wish I had something to say more useful than: I understand.

I hope you've had a better day today and an even better one tomorrow.

Hi, Babybell, sorry you're having a bad time just now.

I'm in a low patch again too. I've still got this cough, I was managing much better for a few weeks but then last weekend something really stressful (although not remotely health related) happened which sent me on a downward spiral. Now I'm convinced I have lung cancer again.

The worst thing about HA is the physical symptoms. I don't know which comes first anymore, because I can have some (minor) illness which causes panic attacks but other times panic attacks can hit me out of the blue. Then I think that, given there was no health related trigger, those chest pains/inability to breathe must be a sign that I have a heart/respiratory problem...

And we battle through again. I hope everyone else is having a good day today.

Witch, how long have you had your cough? What's it like? I've had a cough since a virus I had in early May. Some days it seems to have gone but then comes back. The cough and my hoarse voice prompted an ENT referral. The consultant wasn't worried and mentioned acid reflux. No chest x ray. I still have the cough. I still worry daily about it.

Like you, I'm also worse after a non health related stressful incident. I just feel less and less equipped to deal with daily life.

I hope you're feeling better.

Hello everyone - can I join your thread? I have health anxiety as well. It is horrible, isn't it? I have been preoccupied with one form of cancer or another since Christmas, and it's been in the background for years for me.

I totally agree about the physical symptoms. It's what makes you spiral, I think.

I have health anxiety too, and according to google I should have died of multiple cancers about 3 years ago. It always turns out to be something minor. I even started paying for private tests because I thought they were fobbing me off! I look forward to my smear tests as I think that's another cancer I can check off that I've been tested for, I tried calling a private hospital to pay for an MRI (I can't afford this by the way but I would have happily got myself in debt for it) but they wouldn't do one unless I was referred. The worst one was when I thought I had HIV, turned out to be a virus going round. At the moment I'm early stages of pregnancy and constantly worried I'm going to misscarry, and stressed that my stress will make me misscarry. The other day I had shooting pains under my left boob and my left arm went numb! Turned out I had an inflamed rib and a dead arm completely unrelated to one another. The only thing that helped me was medication, but now I'm off it I'm back to my old dying of everything self. It's a viscous circle and it's hard to get out of, but you are not alone.

Emma - pregnancy is hard, isn't it? I got quite anxious around that time too, and we had IVF, which didn't help.

I did go to the GP last week and he was absolutely brilliant, but I've decided not to take all of the meds he prescribed because they made me feel weird. Also, I did not want to get so that I was dependent on them. It was duloxetine that he prescribed, as well as beta blockers. Not taking the duloxetine but the beta blockers are good and I will continue with those.

Meanwhile I am trying the book, and have booked on a mindfulness course. The GP was so understanding though - he said HA is difficult because your body, your health - is always with you, it's not like having a fear of spiders or something like that.