Has anyone succeeded in overcoming their driving anxiety?

[user1473069303]

Hi,

I'm 39 years old and have been learning to drive for the past couple of years. It has been apparent from the beginning that I'm anxious and nervous about driving, something that I never expected would happen (even though I am a worrier by nature). I just assumed I'd do the lessons, take the test (however many times), and that would be it. I wasn't interested when I was younger and now bitterly regret it.

My problems are:

• When I know I'm going to drive, I start to get nervous
• On the day I'm going to be driving, I'm in and out of the toilet beforehand (TMI, sorry!)
• Once in the car it isn't so bad as I'm busy concentrating on the road, although I can feel tense at the wheel
• I'm pink in the face after a drive
• If I make a mistake I feel ashamed and ruminate over it for hours afterwards

I've done over 3000 miles of accompanied driving and about 40 hours of lessons. No accidents so far apart from a scratch on one of the wheel trims. I've definitely improved and encountered many different scenarios, which has been brilliant but my real problem is my stress/anxiety/nerves, which I need to get under control. I don't want to give up on driving, as I know I'd only regret it later. It's also enjoyable at times, in spite of my nerves.

Has anyone tried hypotherapy or yoga?

I've tried homeopathy and rescue remedy but they haven't worked on me.

I don't want to go in for my test yet as I don't think it would be a good idea. I'm not in the UK, and the system here is more complicated. If I fail the first test, I'm no longer "priority" for a second or third try. It can take a few months before you can try again. The driving schools decide who gets tested. So that's an added pressure.

If you've read this far, thank you - and I'd be interested to hear your stories.

No advice but I'm very similar. Nerves before every lesson and always finished red in the face and/or upset, but that was maybe partly because of the instructor.

Did you pass your test or are you still taking lessons?

I passed in January (aged 37) after about 2 years of lessons. I never, ever enjoyed my lessons and used to come out the instructor's car absolutely soaked with sweat due to nerves and feeling sick.

Two things helped me.

1. I had an instructor who used exposure therapy. Part of my nervousness was worrying intensely that I was annoying or irritating other road users. So, to help me get over this, he made me drive very, very slowly deliberately holding up traffic. I was mortified! But, as he pointed out, I was just as entitled to use the road as anyone else, that I had a right to learn to drive and that, if anyone kicked off, he would stand up for me (he was ex-army so I don't doubt it either!).

1. My mum gave me money for driving lessons year before last, then she died very suddenly a few months later. She always regretted not learning herself and I know it was something she wanted me to do. So, I got my big girl pants on and got on with it.

Can you see a doctor to get some beta blockers?

I love driving now, btw

Still taking lessons. Need to do my theory test but I'm procrastinating - but that's a whole other story.

I find it hard to envisage that one day driving'll be second nature to me.

I was like this (passed my driving test about 11 years ago but only started driving regularly about 7 years ago). I didn't try any treatment but regular driving helped enormously.

I still carefully plan routes I don't know (use google maps aerial photos to plan lanes on tricky roundabouts etc) but constant driving means I now jump in the car for local, familiar journeys without thinking anything of it.

It helps, too, to realise that as a nervous driver you're probably catastrophising about mistakes and they're almost certainly not as bad as you think.

I once got up at 4am so I could join the A1 before it got busy ... I was visiting my parents and they were a bit surprised when I turned up at breakfast time

Tootsiepops congratulations on getting your licence and it's encouraging to read that you love driving now.

I've never head of exposure therapy. I get nervous too about inconveniencing others and I do try not to let them get to me. If I stall and hold them up I do feel bad but if they're pushing me to break the limit then I try to ignore them. It isn't easy though. Some of them really give you the impression that you don't belong on the road.

I used to take beta blockers for hypertension but my new doctor says that I have "white coat" hypertension rather than chronic hypertension... so I no longer take them. If I remember correctly, I was still nervous when I was on them, although maybe a little less so. I'm considering asking for something although I'd like to try to tackle the root of the problem if that's possible.

MadameSzyszkoBohush: I also find it hard to imagine one day just being able to jump in the car without a second thought.

RumbleMum: I keep saying to myself to drive more often, even if it's just to the shop that's a 5-minute walk away. Like that there's less time for negative anticipation to build up.

Certain aspects of certain routes give me the willies. Yesterday I took my DH to the doctor, which involved a short stretch on the motorway (learners are allowed on the motorways here, but reduced speed limits apply) and in the run-up to the drive I was cacking myself about merging onto the motorway (which has never been a problem so far but it doesn't stop me imagining that I'll get trapped at the end of the slip road). As it happened I stalled on a slight incline at a stop sign in a small town (with no motorway in sight). Hadn't done that in ages but with the heat and the stress I just screwed up and couldn't get the car going again. Finding the bite -which I'd done a zillion times before without thinking, well, I just couldn't do it. Now I feel like I'm back to square one!

I can understand getting up extra early to avoid traffic and I do also google certain junctions.

Put in for your test! Passing it might be the boost you need. You obviously CAN drive, it's your nerves not ability that are the problem.
I've been driving for 33 years and still get nervous but it opens up so much opportunity. Try hypnotherapy but also try telling yourself 'so what?' You stalled at a junction, so what? Did anyone get hurt? Did the sky fall in?

I did the exposure thing more or less - but by putting myself in a situation where I had to drive. I was younger than you - mid 20s, had given up trying to pass after numerous fails in my teens through nerves.

Basically I applied for a job that required a driving license but for which I was otherwise very well qualified, and promised the interviewers that if they gave me the job I'd pass my test within 6 months! (I may possibly have given them the impression that I'd only given up lessons due to lack of cash )

Once I didn't have any option, I just had to do it, used to throw up before lessons (and for some months after passing if I had to drive somewhere unfamiliar) but I did get through it eventually.

Hi Teaandadunk, my husband says the same thing, that I can drive but it's my nerves that hold me back. I do try to take things a little less seriously but it depends on the situation. The problem is that after that little stalling episode I'm more afraid of it happening again the next time I go out. I'll give hypnotherapy a try. In the meantime, I've ordered some Kalms from the UK and will see if they help!

Yes! I have. Once I eventually passed.
It took a while but I'm fine now. By fine I mean just fine. Not brilliant but fine

Sorry kids have just come. I'll expand more in a little while

Hi Sadik, it's encouraging to read that you got through it in the end. I think I need to force myself to get out there more often, too. There was one stage when we were looking to buy a house, which meant I was constantly out driving. That helped.

Fortunately or unfortunately I don't need a licence urgently (I work from home) so it's easy to find excuses not to drive. I also have almost 3 years left before my theory expires although it would be a weight off my mind to get it over and done with!

I am better now when I drive frequently - but if I don't drive for a while, the fear comes back! You really just need to do it. I used to be afraid of annoying other people but now that really doesn't bother me. I know I am a good driver and even when I have had people shout at me (most recently for having the nerve to stop instead of running over a pedestrian) I don't care. Having said that, I still can't drive on the motorway so there is room for improvement!

Hi Funnyfarmer, sounds good! I'll look forward to hearing about it later x

I feel for you, I used to be the same. Hated and absolutely dreaded driving for years. Three things ultimately helped me though:

1. The realisation that a lot of people are really shit drivers. That helped me stop dwelling on my own mistakes! Don't beat yourself up over stuff.
2. A friend who lived an hour away developed a serious illness. My desire to be there for her was stronger than my fear of driving.
3. Having my ds and needing to drive or be stuck in the house all day. As other people have said, the more you drive the less you think about it. Good luck OP, it is really hard but you can do it - you're already doing it!

BTW I passed my test at 18 but didn't get my first car until I was 37 so basically 20 years of not really driving.

In response to allegretto, yes, the fear does seem to take a stronger hold when I haven't driven for a while. I need to just get out there most days, even if it's just to the local shop (five minutes on foot) for a loaf of bread.

What I don't like about driving is this weird attitude that prevails, almost like machismo, except that women can be guilty of it too. I don't know how to describe it.

I hate merging onto the motorway. Always worry about not getting on! Once I'm on, it's OK although I'm not always a fan of having to start overtaking. Sometimes I'm keen to start overtaking, other times I'm not feeling it at all and prefer to be stuck in the "slow lane" behind the lorries, although the examiners hate that. It shows a lack of initiative, sigh.

You are right too CrowOnTheBroom, many others are shit drivers, especially when it comes to not using their indicators when coming off the roundabouts. I'm starting to get a feel for their movements but in the beginning it was a right pain. Some of them love their mobile phones too, or tailgating in an attempt to get you to break the speed limit...
Thanks for the encouragement, I am already doing it, it's true but I do look forward to being able to nip somewhere during the day without waiting for DH to get home or to be able to take the dogs somewhere new.

allegretto, did you get refresher lessons or was it OK?

I learned last year, at 39. It was hard. I did 8 lessons, and drove with a family member at least once a day.
I'm still a fairly anxious driver, but I'm pretty safe.
I did a lot of breathing exercises and "heavy work" to relieve my nerves. Passed first time, 2 minors.

You can do it OP.

I had an awful first attempt learning to drive at seventeen. I gave up.

Second attempt in my mid twenties and I passed first time with a fantastic instructor and a very carefully planned test.

For about seven years I drove only when I couldn't avoid it. I'd have sleepless nights if I had a motorway drive to do and had to force myself to drive ten minutes to the local supermarket and back.

Then I moved to the countryside and couldn't avoid it anymore. That's when I properly 'learnt to drive.' It was plain, boring practice that stopped the anxiety. Now I enjoy it. I've even lived through a couple of minor dings (neither my fault) and my car breaking down on the M1 in rush hour (exactly what I was terrified of).

Once you get through the pain barrier you'll be fine

Congratulations WheresMaHairyToe!

I did read on a couple of forums that physical activity before driving can help. I haven't done much of that so far. Any pre-driving prep has involved rescue remedy, bananas, homeopathy, and camomile tea (not all at once ) and they haven't worked on me, unfortunately. Deep breathing, yes, when I remember to breathe, ha ha.

It would be great to be able to manage this fight or flight reflex that seems to be triggered each time (or almost each time) I drive. Driving is nothing to be taken lightly but my body's reaction is excessive.

Thanks for your encouragement amousehaseatenmypaddlingpool!

I really regret not (at least) trying when I was a teenager because since then I've become very used to taking my time to think about things and re-read and mull over things. Driving obviously requires rapid reactions and sometimes split-second decisions and it's not something I'm used to.

It's good to hear that you got through the anxiety and now enjoy driving!