Has anyone succeeded in overcoming their driving anxiety?

[user1473069303]

Hi,

I'm 39 years old and have been learning to drive for the past couple of years. It has been apparent from the beginning that I'm anxious and nervous about driving, something that I never expected would happen (even though I am a worrier by nature). I just assumed I'd do the lessons, take the test (however many times), and that would be it. I wasn't interested when I was younger and now bitterly regret it.

My problems are:

• When I know I'm going to drive, I start to get nervous
• On the day I'm going to be driving, I'm in and out of the toilet beforehand (TMI, sorry!)
• Once in the car it isn't so bad as I'm busy concentrating on the road, although I can feel tense at the wheel
• I'm pink in the face after a drive
• If I make a mistake I feel ashamed and ruminate over it for hours afterwards

I've done over 3000 miles of accompanied driving and about 40 hours of lessons. No accidents so far apart from a scratch on one of the wheel trims. I've definitely improved and encountered many different scenarios, which has been brilliant but my real problem is my stress/anxiety/nerves, which I need to get under control. I don't want to give up on driving, as I know I'd only regret it later. It's also enjoyable at times, in spite of my nerves.

Has anyone tried hypotherapy or yoga?

I've tried homeopathy and rescue remedy but they haven't worked on me.

I don't want to go in for my test yet as I don't think it would be a good idea. I'm not in the UK, and the system here is more complicated. If I fail the first test, I'm no longer "priority" for a second or third try. It can take a few months before you can try again. The driving schools decide who gets tested. So that's an added pressure.

If you've read this far, thank you - and I'd be interested to hear your stories.

I had a couple of refresher lessons but really I just needed to drive more often.

I was very nervous throughout my lessons. Has 4 different instructors. 2 of them dumped me. One told me I would never drive. He also asked if I had sen because I was really that bad!
Finding an instructor I really gelled with made a massive difference.
I went 2 years of being nowhere near test ready to bring test ready in 4 months with my end instructor.
I pasted 5th time. I kept marking stupid mistakes that I never did in lessons
Once I got out there on my own I gained in confide massively.
I was really worried that because I was a bad learner I would be a bad driver.
I've been driving 18 months now. I'm not brilliant at town centres. Especially if I don't know the area. I get lost a lot!
But I did I passed and I can drive.!
Never had a bumb or even a near miss.
Experienced drivers say to see me now you would never tell how much I struggled.
I did it. You can too

Hi Funnyfarmer, sorry to hear that a couple of your instructors were arseholes but it's great to hear that you passed and have had no issues since.

Before being allowed to go off and drive with my DH, I had about 34 hours with my driving school and I think what didn't help was that I never had the same instructor from start to finish. The various instructors took notes which I suppose must have helped a little but the instruction was still pretty inconsistent and piecemeal. I should have insisted on lessons with just one of them.

One of the instructors was OK to a point but in the end exploded saying I should go on valium or something and also go away and work on myself (i.e., see somebody).

I'm back at the driving school now to try to build on what I've learned with DH. This time I've chosen an instructor - a young woman who's really friendly, calm and patient and ask for her each time. Due to cashflow problems I have to wait until July before I can resume regular lessons but I'm hoping that they'll do the trick.

I notice that I'm a lot better when I'm with DH. Probably because he's not monitoring my every last breath.

But obviously there's the hurdle of the exam to get over. I did a mock test a few months ago but must have failed it 20 times over, it was that bad. It was OK until I made my first big mistake and then after that I just had screw-up after screw-up, including not being able to change the gears properly because I was so used to my own car where the gear-change movements are shorter. It was horrible, as I was so looking forward to showing how much progress I'd made.
Since then I've driven their cars a couple of times and also in a couple of other cars (including a Scenic) (this was at the local training centre for driving instructors - they needed "guinea pigs" for their students), which has given me a boost.

Yes the Chopin and changing instructors does impact massively as the all teach different. Mine never made any notes. So they never new where I was up to. Then i was shouted for doing things or not doing things that I was never told. Example my instructor went mental at me for turning right at tragic lights with waiting for a gap or a filter light. I had never been told I had too. Never done the turning right at traffic lights never even sat my therorie at that point. Told me I was endangering the lives of everyone.
I had all these crazy little rituals I had to do before my test. Get my nails done eat and drink certain foods. Be In bed and be up for a specific time. If anyone of them went wrong for some reason. I would loose my shit.
My cousin went to see her doctor. He gave her to tablets. One to try before her test, to make sure she was ok with it and one to take on her test. She said it worked wonders.
I could never fit in going to doctor with work, kids, home , crazy rituals.
But I think it's definitely something you should consider.
I sometimes think my bad start makes me a better driver. I know how easily I can fuck up. When I'm going out everyday I'm very aware of just how dangerous it is what I'm doing. So always extra cautious. I never take it for granted either that other people on the road are confident and experienced.
I also used a hypnotherapy tape (download) I still say tape. From Amazon. Sadly it didn't work for me but it had amazing reviews and it apparently worked for a lot of people.
Do you have a goal? When do you hope to be passed by?

Not on for your instructor to shout at you. Their cars have dual controls for a reason. Learner drivers do weird stuff, it's par for the course! In the beginning I once turned onto the wrong side of the road. I don't know why, brain fart I guess.
I don't have rituals as such but I do worry in the run-up to going for a drive. It's almost as if the act of worrying will ward off any bad events. Nothing truly bad has happened but I tend to ruminate after minor screw-ups, like the multiple stalling the other day.
I guess your cousin was given beta blockers. I'll go to the doc if the yoga/hypnotherapy don't work.
When I was at the centre for trainee driving instructors I would sit in on their debriefings after lessons and it was said that even with my anxiety, someone like me was still very safe because I'm aware of what can happen. Also the time it has taken so far to learn to drive has been very useful because of the extra experience acquired. So there is that!
I'd hopefully like to take the test before the end of the year, if I'm able to manage my anxiety/nerves/stress better or if my driving has improved enough to compensate for any stress. As things stand, there's really no point. It's not like in the UK where I'd be able to redo the test within a few weeks, budget permitting. Here (France), it can take months. It's a really crap system.

I could have written many of the posts above. I got my licence at 18 and didn't drive for nearly 20 years, over which phobias grew more and more intense. At some point I needed to start using the car and a few days after daily use I started feeling a lot more confident. Action cures fear is now my new moto. I know how hard it is to get behind the wheel (I still would rather not take the car given a choice) but practice is so important. Try not to think about what others think, do your best and every time you get on the road it is a step closer to being a confident and good driver. If your tutor thinks you are ready for the test, getting it out of the way would be such a huge relief for you.

I used to hate when people would say "Just relax. Stop being so nervous"
"Oh ok I'll just stop. Why the he'll didn't I think of that!?"
I never had anyone to talk too either
Everyone I knew passed 1st or second time and found it a breeze.
But that's how I found mn. I was looking for learner driving forums, and came across a thread. Didn't have the balls to start my own thread though. I also didn't understand all the dp, dh and dcs so probably couldn't if I wanted too
I used to always feel so silly and stupid.
I knew what to do. I could have probably taught someone theroreticly. I just couldn't make my body do what my head was telling it to do. I wanted to give up so many times.
I was always telling my kids. " don't give up, keep trying, you can do anything you set your mind too" so how could I quit?
So glad I never!

I passed 9 years ago and have rarely driven! I would be very nervous before lessons, and would sweat a lot (soz tmi) but I passed after having a lesson every sat morning for 5 months. The anxiety really kicked in after I'd passed, I also had a dc the month after I'd passed and having a newborn and a 2 year old didn't help!

Not really sure what to do now, I've tried cbt, hypnotherapy, exposure therapy, I recently had a refresher lesson with my old instructor. She was lovely and had me out and about straight away, said she wouldn't have thought that I hadn't really driven since. I should be seeing her again soon. I feel like an idiot tbh.

We had to buy a house with bloody shared access to the back which means driving up a tight gap in the middle of the terrace, a sharp right and then up behind about 9 other houses before u get to mine. There's nowhere to turn the car around outside the back of my house so this is my new worry - maybe I'll take the car out but I won't feel able to reverse all the way up to mine (worried I'll hit neighbors cars/garages etc) which means the car wouldn't then be facing the way to go out, if that makes sense? I guess I could park it down the road where there's 'normal' parking but then I'd worry it'd get broken into etc. I realize how ridiculous I must sound, it upsets me that I've felt this way for almost a decade now. Silly thing is when I have driven I've enjoyed it, it's just the worry of all the 'what ifs' that might happen and even I know that's not the way to live a life!

In some ways it is a relief to see that others share the same fears. A lot of people have made me feel so bad and incompetent for having issues with driving. That's one of the things that have upset me the most.

Hi Kefybaby, I think you did well to get going after only a few days following a 20-year gap, that's really good!

I think that I need to start getting out there more often. DH has suggested going to the supermarket this evening, so I will try to force myself to drive. The temptation is to say "sod it" and let him drive since he'll be collecting me as soon as he gets in from work but I'll try to resist!

My DH doesn't see what the fuss is about, he thinks I can drive OK apart from the odd time when I get flustered. He sometimes even falls asleep when I'm driving long distances (I have to tell him to wake up), which is a good sign. However, in a test situation I know I'll be much more likely to let nerves get the better of me. The mock was already a disaster and I do get flustered with the driving instructors, however nice they are. I know that passing the test is only the beginning, that you never stop learning, etc., but I would like to be as proficient as possible just to increase my chances of passing first time.

Some people can be really arrogant regarding driving. They should just be quietly happy that they can get in a car without a second thought. Being nervous about driving is justified given the enormous responsibility it represents - it's just a shame that the nerves can get in the way.

Hi Funnyfarmer, it's to your credit that you stuck it out and a fantastic example for your DCs. Not that there's any shame in giving up but I know in my case that I'd forever be envious of other drivers and regretful. When on foot or on the bus I look at the cars that go by and also at the road markings and try to imagine where I'd be positioned if I were driving.
I've spent a lot of time reading the driving threads on Mumsnet.
This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

Does your instructor think that you are ready to take the test? I'm quite a nervous driver but I was ok with lessons as I felt that having my instructor in the car was a safety net.
The day of my test I was sweating buckets and thought I would fail for sure. I actually only passed second time, I think failing the first test had made me realise that I was capable of passing. I had failed on a turn in the road and I knew that next time I could avoid the same mistake.
Perhaps something like hypnotherapy or mindfulness would help?
I'm ok with driving now, when I'm feeling low and anxious my fear of driving tends to get worse. But otherwise I get on fine. Satnav and google maps are great for planning and getting me to unfamiliar places.

After being a very confident driver I got very anxious driving while pregnant and afterwards with the children in the car. I was told to keep driving for over 40 minutes because your body starts to calm down after this time and you start to get used to nothing bad happening. Eventually the body's response and anxiety becomes less intense.

A couple of cbt sessions could help you with the symptoms you describe.

Oh God, you sound just like me! I was so anxious it made me unwell.

I changed instructors to someone friendly (and recommended - in fact, two family members are using him now) and it made it easier.

I did pass first time ( after a year of lessons) but it's probably took another year until I'm not anxious about day to day driving. I still get scared about driving to new places and bloody hate driving at night in the rain but DP can't drive (medical reasons) so I've got no choice.

I felt all the same things as you, could barely function before my lessons (which were straight after work so I had to nervous poo in work too!), legs and arms felt like when you stand on a high diving board and every mistake I made I agonised over. Weirdly I never really doubted that I could drive, it was more the other people on the road, both their actions and their perception and treatment of me.

I 'got over it' by just keeping going, my instructor wouldn't let me skive off, although I do remember having to pull over to be sick (with nerves) once! Make sure you have a supportive instructor, and someone you get on with: we'd chat and that'd take my mind of being nervous. And one that won't let you give excuses, it does get less scary.

Remember you have as much right to be on the roads as anyone else, take your time -don't rush, don't sweat the small stuff, take deep breaths, my instructor used to give me sweets and I found it helped to have then even after I passed.

I really still felt horribly anxious until maybe 9-12 months after I passed and still get narky when going somewhere new (especially if DP is 'navigating') so take it easy on yourself. In fact it's probably the only time I get shouty.

Just keep going, in my experience it will get better. Good luck!

Hi GuyMartinsSideburns, no worries about the TMI, I think it's important to be open about these things. After my latest lesson (not with my usual instructor but at the centre where they train instructors and where I was driving a bloody Scenic) I had sweat down the backs of my thighs afterwards.

Don't feel like an idiot - you're being responsible and trying to do something about it. Maybe give yoga a try? I need to do the same but I'd have more time for yoga classes if I could drive there myself instead of faffing around with the bus, ha ha.

I understand your worry in relation to parking. If you take it really slowly then not much can happen - you'll have time to correct yourself before you hit anything. I used to be a bit too brusque when manoeuvring but now I've learned to go really really slowly. You can't go wrong like that. You don't sound ridiculous. I have my own worry which often prevents me from going out: we're parked underground and getting on to the main road sometimes involves waiting at the top of a fairly steep ramp and then doing the equivalent of a hill start, which I screw up most of the time and end up rolling back slightly down the ramp. It's one of my biggest fears. If I can see from my flat that traffic is heavy and that I'll most likely have to give way, then I'm much less likely to want to drive.

The "what ifs" can be very powerful. The vast majority of the time they never actually happen, that's the thing. Doesn't stop us worrying though!

A while ago on AIBU, there was a thread on AIBU - here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1031575-to-find-it-a-little-bit-pathetic-when-grown-women?pg=11&messages=25

A while into it, someone (username Treats ) put down in words what I have always felt. I just went digging around to find it because it is so perfectly expressed.

"I hate the fact that whenever I do venture out in the car, I seem to find myself entered in some weird competition that I don't want to be part of and don't know the rules to. I always seem to be driving too slowly, or too cautiously, or not quickly enough away from the traffic lights or at the roundabout, or slowing down too much to turn left, or waiting a fraction too long to turn right. Whatever it is I'm doing, it's always wrong, and it's always - always - men who feel the need to point it out to me, either by trying to get their car into my boot to encourage me to go faster, or by honking me if I take too long."

As for my experience - I learned quite late too.

My instructor did not think I was ready to take the test - but he didn't realise that despite being an anxious type, I always pull it out of the bag during interviews, tests, on stage, that kind of thing. (I know, it's weird.) So although my instructor knew I could drive, he thought my nerves would get the better of me.

They didn't: on the day I chatted easily with the examiner and brazened it out.

The truth is that after the test, I remained as nervous as ever and haven't driven for ages (though my circumstances changed, I thought driving would be part of my day-to-day life but I was made redundant from that job). If I'd kept it up, no doubt I'd be much better with the nerves just through exposure.

Channel "exam" me, OP! Once the exam is done, you can focus on getting practice in and you'll be fine.

Just a quick hi to say I haven't abandoned the thread. It's been non-stop today but your replies mean a lot and I'll be back with my own as soon as my brain's working again x

I'm a nervous driver OP and just wanted to add my support. It does get better with practice. I still choose to walk or cycle if I can but if we're driving somewhere, DP always makes sure I do my fair share so I don't get out of the habit. He has never fallen asleep when I'm driving though but has learnt to keep his mouth shut if I'm not driving quite as he'd like!

Hi Flanderspigeonmurderer, I haven't seen much of my instructor recently due to cashflow issues and I've also only had two lessons with her since I decided to go back to the school. I don't think she thinks that I'm test-ready yet and I know I don't feel ready yet, either. Need to get a handle on the stress first.

I think I'll try hypnotherapy and/or yoga. Either that or I go to the docs for medication.

It's great that you're OK with driving now!

The day I'm allowed to drive on my own I'll also start planning my routes beforehand as complex junctions are another thing I'm not keen on...

Hi Squeezed, I think there's some truth in what you say. I know I enjoy the long journeys the most. I've done a couple of 160-mile round trips and they were OK!

I don't have DC but I've read that driving anxiety can come on suddenly in people who'd never had a problem before. It's so incapacitating!

The lessons I have booked for July are also double ones, i.e. 1h30 each. I'm curious to see how I get on.

Hi NemosKnickers, I'll have to look into CBT, too. Thanks for the tip. Maybe the doc can refer me for them.

I can understand the dreading driving out your garage/parking spot OP, that sounds awful. I thought I had it bad living near a school, I hate reversing/pulling out in front of a long queue of cars at pick up/drop off.