Has anyone succeeded in overcoming their driving anxiety?

[user1473069303]

Hi,

I'm 39 years old and have been learning to drive for the past couple of years. It has been apparent from the beginning that I'm anxious and nervous about driving, something that I never expected would happen (even though I am a worrier by nature). I just assumed I'd do the lessons, take the test (however many times), and that would be it. I wasn't interested when I was younger and now bitterly regret it.

My problems are:

• When I know I'm going to drive, I start to get nervous
• On the day I'm going to be driving, I'm in and out of the toilet beforehand (TMI, sorry!)
• Once in the car it isn't so bad as I'm busy concentrating on the road, although I can feel tense at the wheel
• I'm pink in the face after a drive
• If I make a mistake I feel ashamed and ruminate over it for hours afterwards

I've done over 3000 miles of accompanied driving and about 40 hours of lessons. No accidents so far apart from a scratch on one of the wheel trims. I've definitely improved and encountered many different scenarios, which has been brilliant but my real problem is my stress/anxiety/nerves, which I need to get under control. I don't want to give up on driving, as I know I'd only regret it later. It's also enjoyable at times, in spite of my nerves.

Has anyone tried hypotherapy or yoga?

I've tried homeopathy and rescue remedy but they haven't worked on me.

I don't want to go in for my test yet as I don't think it would be a good idea. I'm not in the UK, and the system here is more complicated. If I fail the first test, I'm no longer "priority" for a second or third try. It can take a few months before you can try again. The driving schools decide who gets tested. So that's an added pressure.

If you've read this far, thank you - and I'd be interested to hear your stories.

Hi Urglewurgle

I totally get you, I hate that unwell feeling. I've been at my desk all day but it hasn't stopped me from having a lump in my throat/tight feeling in my chest at the thought of driving (I was supposed to drive last night but ended up being too busy and so I'm thinking of when I'll be driving again – no doubt tomorrow evening). It's so frustrating. I just want to be able to grab the keys and get in the car without going back and forth to the bog first.

I remember agonising over my more spectacular mistakes, luckily they aren't so spectacular these days but I hate the feeling of being scorned by other drivers. I'm capable in other areas of life but on the road I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm not afraid of other drivers (although I know I should be) but rather of mistakes that I might make. Even the idea of a tiny fender-bender makes me feel queasy, it's daft really.

My new instructor is a gem, I'm holding on to her.

Sweets are a good idea and I think I'll also try chewing gum. It should help with the dry mouth!

It's good to hear that you too have made progress with your driving anxiety.

Hi HowMuchDoWeNeed

Ooh, don't think I've read that thread – thanks for the link!

I love reading about other people's experiences although it's a shame that we have to feel like this at all.

I totally get where Treats is coming from, I feel the same. There's always someone keen to "put me in place", for example they'll make a big deal of overtaking me on a 20 mph limit road with speed bumps only for me to catch up to them at the Stop sign 200 metres later. I mean, why? What's the big deal? There's a sticker on my car saying that I'm a learner so I guess it's that that gets 'em going. When I'm behind a fellow learner I give them space, especially on a hill

I'd like to think I'd smother my nerves enough to pass the test easily but I have my doubts. I did OK with my finals at university (despite my horrendous nerves) but the last mock driving test I did was horrific. I do sometimes say to myself, "Come on User, stiff upper lip, it isn't THAT bad" but that doesn't work either, unfortunately.

Do you drive at all these days, even if it is just occasionally?

Hi cheminotte, thanks for your support!

It's great to have a co-pilot but not if they're going to be a pain in the ass

Hi SeanSpicer, it's horrid how just one particular thing can put us off, especially when it's at the very start of our journey! I'm always happier about driving when the car's already parked outside, ha ha. Otherwise I crawl up the ramp really slowly hoping and praying that the pavement and road are clear!

I was the same. I passed my test in 2015 despite horrific nerves, I only passed as I had a really nice examiner.

Anyway, DP and I bought our first car two months ago and now I really like it. I still think about little mistakes for hours after, and I can't park, and I don't enjoy driving with other people in the car as I am wary of making the wrong decisions and people commenting. But, a long easy drive by myself with music on, I love.

Hi Fruitcocktail6, it's good to hear that you're enjoying your new car!

A long drive with a good "driving" soundtrack is my dream. I'll have to try with the radio on low. Haven't tried yet but it might help.

Just a quick message to say that I took the car out yesterday morning (after very almost bottling it due to a severe attack of nerves) and did the hill start out of my garage OK and had a very smooth drive. A small thing which has cheered me up immensely.

Hi OP. I don't drive at all any more - but I should rectify that.
I forgot to say before. One thing that really screwed me up was our car. Manual, classic car - totally inappropriate for me. I was always worried about damaging it (my DH makes a fuss about that sort of thing, annoyingly).
But the other thing is, it was a manual.
I see you are learning in one, too. Probably not an option but I would really consider changing your car if you can.
I thought I was being wise to learn manual. That way, I reasoned, I would be able to drive any kind of car.
It was too much. Learning to drive these days is so complex, it was just adding difficulty to a situation that was already maxxed out. Worrying about stalling, having that niggling changing gears on your mind... it's enough to throw off the learning process altogether, imo.

Soap box moment: I think teaching people to drive, especially women in their 30s and up, needs reform. It should be taught in stages, because learning to drive is sooooo much more than just making the vehicle move.

Stage 1 would be taught first: rules of the road. Ideally this would be taught early, on a one-day course for example in high school, and reinforced annually so it has a chance to "bed in" to the brain. This was such a fleeting part of my learning that I don't know what half the signs mean any more.

Stage 2 would be how to navigate. I find this a huge challenge and it was basically not present in my driving lessons. There is an element of navigation in the exam but it felt token. I am hugely put off driving to new places because I simply have no idea how to get there, how not to get lost, how to cope if I do get lost, how to react quickly enough to signage to change lanes etc.

Stage 3 would be physically driving the car. This should all be done off road with no other drivers around. Simple mechanics, how it feels, how to stop safely, all that stuff. And once the learner is confident with this, then and only then should they move on to

Stage 4 - dealing with road conditions and other drivers. This is a huge part of driving but one that is completely separate to the other aspects, as above.

At the moment, we are expected to learn all of these very different skills, all at the same time, and all in public, where we can be (and are) observed, judged, and where we also have the possibility of causing accidents!

I think trying to jam all of this into one learning curve is letting us down.

So going back to the manual/automatic thing - the simple fact is that once you have mastered driving an automotic, and have passed, spent some time on the road - then adding the manual gearstick into the mix is actually quite easy. But trying to leave everything the hard way upfront - I wouldn't do it that way around if I could do it again.

Well done for taking the car out op. I had a drive yesterday, and surprisingly I didn't feel the usual nerves when i got into the drivers seat etc. The drive was enjoyable and uneventful. Tues dh is off so ill be hoping to tackle the bloody reversing along the shared access stuff. Once that's sorted I think I'll be laughing tbh. Fingers crossed anyway!

Hello HowMuchDoWeNeed

When I started learning I never thought about automatics, to be honest. It has crossed my mind since, but it will definitely be a last resort as my car is only 2 years old and I haven't finished paying the loan off.

For the teaching in stages, we do have that in France but because I had a number of instructors in the beginning, the teaching I got wasn't particularly structured and not all of them could be arsed ticking the boxes off in my learner's manual. Either that or they didn't think I was good enough and that it would get dealt with in the next lesson.

The highway code has to be obtained (as far as I know, maybe I'm wrong) before taking lessons. I'm good at learning by rote but not so good at the practical side of things. I'd deffo recommend anyone interested in driving to take an interest in the highway code/road markings/signage as soon as possible.

The steps, for anyone curious, are:

1. Learning to handle the vehicle on quiet roads (knowing the controls, mirror use, steering, starting/stopping, accelerating/braking, gears, etc.)
2. Understanding your environment (looking for signage, road markings, using the appropriate speed, junctions, right/left turns in built-up areas, roundabouts, parking)
3. Driving in more difficult conditions and sharing the road with other users (keeping safe distances, overtaking/being overtaken, interacting with other road users, using expressways/motorways, heavy traffic, poor visibility/road adherence, etc.)
4. Being autonomous, safe and economical/ecological (following an itinerary, preparing for long drives, risk factors, what to do in the event of an accident, vehicle technology (ABS, GPS, etc.), concepts of basic maintenance/emergency situations).

Now I've finally put my foot down and asked for just one instructor, I'll make sure to look at certain things in depth.

If I could do things again I think I'd definitely consider an automatic. Why complicate life? I just never thought it'd be such a palaver

Hi GuyMartinsSideburns

Good for you!

I think you'll feel a lot better once you've tackled that particular aspect.

I've just come back from another drive, which this time didn't involve having to stop at the top of the garage ramp although it did involve parallel parking in town in rush hour, as well as other bowel-liquefying town driving.

G+T time later, methinks.

Hi

I have always been a nervous driver. I think a lot of it is to do with the instructor. I start and stopped lessons due to finances and not really needing to drive. Now I have a dd who starts pre school soon and I've moved from a town to the country side so I am currently taking lessons. I do get nervous but I feel like my instructor is really good and I've switched to learning automatic for now. This has really helped me as I feel like you are just concentrating on actual driving. Hope this helped :)

Keep going you'll get there

Hi bunnyrabbit93,

Sounds good! A nice, patient and calm instructor can work wonders. I would be curious to try an automatic but am forced to stick with my manual for now.
I'm hoping that if I can get a hold of my anxiety then that will go some way to making driving easier. I've just started taking Kalms (they arrived through the post this morning). I also have chewing gum and essential oils. Then it'll be onto the yoga, hypnosis or CBT or a combination of the three.

Thanks for your encouragement and I hope that the lessons are going well!

Oh my god!!!! I feel exactly the same! I've just registered for the site and this is the very first thread I found.

I suffered from panic attacks a few years ago and when I got better and came off my meds I decided to learn to drive. I had never wanted to when I was younger. I couldn't believe how much I'd enjoyed my lessons. I passed and to be honest that is where the real nerves have begun.

Like you I feel all of those things every time. If I make even a tiny mistake I nurse it afterwards for ages. The feeling of achieving something is just lost on me as I get so worked up beforehand. Like you I'm ok when driving - the anxiety seems to evaporate because of you concentrating - but I can't wait to get home.

I just don't know what to do. My partner doesn't drive and I feel under pressure to drive all the time. It feels ridiculous to me.

Hi, it's really hard, isn't it?

If you want or need to continue to drive then I think the best thing is to drive regularly. Since I started the thread, I've continued to drive and have definitely noticed a reduction in my anxiety. I haven't the money right now for hypnosis and to be honest I probably won't bother given the progress I've made since June. However, it needs to be regular as I find that the anxiety can build up again if you leave it too long between outings. You've been deemed fit to drive, so just keep plugging away and I think sooner or later it'll have less of a hold over you.

What has also helped recently is that I've been exceptionally busy with work and haven't had the time to ruminate in the run-up to lessons/outings. I was so busy that driving became yet another task to fit into an overcrowded schedule. I was a bit of a zombie -but in a good way. Had to do a hill start on a fairly steep hill to join a busy main road and for once in my life didn't cack myself. Same for when I had to merge into busy traffic. I was in "just get on with it" mode. Things are much quieter now though workwise, so who knows!

I just passed - my instructor made me do mock tests every lesson so that my anxiety calmed down a bit.

Now I am driving on my own my anxiety has flared back up (did I hit someone, did I run a red light, did I stick to the speed limit), I am forcing myself to drive and not engage in any checking behaviours. It's so hard!

Same. I just keep saying to myself that I'm a new driver and I am going to make little mistakes here and there. With anxiety its just so easy to be down on yourself.

I'm trying to drive around a lot more but its doing nothing for the clenching tum. Its weird really cos the anxiety seems to disappear as soon as you drive as you have to concentrate on the moment so much.
It'll be great getting to a time that I don't have to think about it.
This thread has really helped. Its important to know you're not alone.

Hi gamerpigeon, congratulations on passing!!

The difficulties are no longer the same now, I can imagine. The fantastic thing is that you can of course practice at times that suit you without needing to pay an instructor and you can take your time.

Where I live (France) new drivers have to display the equivalent of an "L" plate for three years after passing (and be subject to reduced speed limits in certain situations), so that says a lot about how much time many need to gain confidence and proficiency. I'm not sure what the rule is in the UK. But it must feel weird driving alone, that's for sure!

Hi TimeForTea,

It is too easy to be down on yourself. I've spent a lot of time ruminating over my mistakes but TBH when I see how many other people drive I figure that I'm actually not that bad. I know my weaknesses, that I'm not infallible and that already puts me streets ahead of a certain number of arrogant drivers!

The clenching tum is no fun. Mine is back after a couple of weeks of not driving. So frustrating! I think it really helps to keep at it and hopefully with time it'll diminish completely. It's just not always feasible to get out and drive, especially if there's nowhere we need to go or we're busy with other things.

I'm 33 and getting to the point where I can't avoid learning to drive any longer. My partner does but he works very long hours and it would make my life so much easier. I suffer with anxiety (recently starting back on citalopram) and im just petrified about taking that first step - what if the instructor doesn't understand?

My dad did a very nice thing in buying me a set of lessons but I've been too anxious to take it up. I feel as if the choice of finding my own (probably female, automatic) instructor has been removed and I'm having nightmares about being the worst learner they've ever seen and probably killing someone. I feel as though I'm quite an intelligent, educated person but if I see a fear stick everything just exits my brain and road rules confuse me

Nice Freudian slip there! Gear stick not fear stick

Maybe not quite the same issue but I've had two periods in my life where I've had a long break from driving due to being too poor to have a car and living abroad. Both times I've been seriously anxious about starting up again, most recently because it involved driving in the right, on ice, and in snow and really poor conditions. Eventually I did it. Sometimes I encounter some awful driving and it makes me anxious again. I KNOW I'm a careful good driver.

Are you an ok driver? Because if you are (and it sounds like you are) then I agree that exposure, and getting out and doing it, it the best way. If you're not a good driver then it isn't, but from your post it seems you are.

I think of it this way. A car has the potential to be dangerous - to be a bit anxious to the point you're careful, considerate and aware is GOOD. It's ok. It just means you're not one of those drivers who drives like a twat and doesn't consider others. You need to just get it down a few notches, not be free of it totally. Is that a more achievable goal?

Exposure - do the same route again and again and again, mix it up with new routes. And consider doing some advanced techniques in lessons as well. Knowing you have the ability to cope with skids etc is good.

Good luck - talkinvvtherapy can help too

I think it really makes a massive difference whether you drive an automatic or a manual car. I learned to drive on a manual car but never really liked it, then got an automatic and it turned driving into kind of a hobby. With a manual car you always have to shift the gear and it takes a lot of getting used to and takes up much more mental energy, whereas with an automatic you can concentrate more on the road itself without being distracted by the constant need to shift the gear.
Automatic cars are generally more expensive but so worth it.