Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

PND - baby only 4 weeks old - Feeling like Im falling apart.

47 replies

julezboo · 14/03/2007 16:03

Heya all

Sorry if it seems like Im rambling.

I suffered with PND after the birth of my DS. Thought it would be different this time, I have a supportive DP(kind of), totally different situation. We are happy, settled. I try to get out at least once everyday so I dont start falling down that slope again of being scared to go out. Im crying most days, arguing with DP most days. so much so he told me Im turning into a horrible person. (The not so supportive part)Im shouting at DS alot (4 yrs)

Im a bit confused though cos I knwo most people push their babies away, Im not like that I enjoy looking after him and tending to him when he needs me (although this was the case with DS1 too)

I feel awful for even feel sad like this, we tried so hard to get pg and stay pg (4 mc's after ds before baby came along) DP says its like i have to be in control of everything (inc him) Im miserable, tired and teary all the time. I know if I go to my docs they will tell me to come back when he is 6 weeks old if I still feel the same. I feel like I just wanna go to bed and stay there.

OP posts:

bakedpotato · 15/03/2007 11:10

Mumpbump makes a good point, it sounds as if DP's heart is in the right place.

I had awful mood swings when I had PND. It's so horrible.

malaleche · 15/03/2007 11:13

Really sorry you're having such a hard time. I had PND after dd2 was born from when she was 1 mo to about 5 mo, shes 6mo now. Your DP really needs to understand what's happening to you. I think PND is a sort of post traumatic stress disorder. You've been through a lot, even the events surrounding ds1's birth are having a role in how you feel now. Keep trying to get through to MW/HV/doc, whatever, and get some real help from them. Take heart, things will get better, but i remember that feeling that everything was bad, relationship with DP over, no light at the end of the tunnel, only solution to kill myself and dds. (and i didnt reject my baby either) Your hormones are causing a chemical imbalance in your head! Work on making your DP understand and support you through this. {{{{big hug}}}}

malaleche · 15/03/2007 11:15

oh, and talk openly about it to all the mums you know - you'll be surprised how many have been through the same thing. It really helps to talk to other women about it.

MrsDoolittle · 15/03/2007 11:19

Oh god, this was me last year - Ds is now 13 months old.
I was arguing with dh all the time, angry and irritated. I felt I couldn't keep on top of everything and looking after a second was so different when I had a toddler who was struggling to undertstand the situation. Your DP sounds exactly like dh, he was convinced I was trying to control him.

I contacted the Hv and told he that I'd hit the wall (after advice form MN) and that I felt like I was falling apart. Best thing I ever did. She spoke to dh and explained the situation to him because he was afraid I was going to leave him, I was so upset.

Personally I found my hv was more undertanding than than my GP, although that could be a personal thing. I asked her to suggest the most sympathatic GP and I went to see her instead. She was brilliant.

Original poster

julezboo · 15/03/2007 12:00

thanks girls

tbh im not really sure what kicked it off last night, DP fed baby at around 10pm, he usually has 4/5ozs, DP could only gt him to take 2, i made a comment "is that all" meaning it ina way Im sooo tired and worn out and if hes only had 2ozs hes gonna be up 2/3 times in the night rather than the once. He thought I was "telling him off" it got ridiculous tbh, name calling on his part, even told me he hated me I know he didnt mean it. I got out of bed and went to the couch, wrote a big letter on how i was feeling, ripped it up into tiny little pieces, cried some more, sat on the back step for a bit listening to the stream and sheep. then I went up to bed around 2am, not much was said this morning apart from him almost close to tears saying "please dont take the baby away from me no matter how bad me n you get" I promised him that wouldnt be happening and he went off to work. I so badly wanted to ask him to call in sick today and stay at home with me but I couldnt bring myself to do it. I regret not asking him now. I played the good mum, put a smile on my face and dropped ds off at school (didnt even want to do that!) just didnt want to face the world today at all. Even to the point of driving 50 miles an hour on the motorway so I wouldnt have to stand in the playground and make conversation with the other lovely mums.

left another message for hv now, spoke to mw she just said keep trying hv. Appt is the 29th though but i will ring up each morning to see if theres been a cancellation

OP posts:

lulumama · 15/03/2007 12:04

it is such a steep learning curve , as you and DP learn to parent your own child together......you are both knackered and that does not help

you cannot wait until 29th for an appointment...go to the docs, and sit in the reception until you are seen...if you are seen tomorrow, your ADs will have started kicking in by 29th !!

your DP loves you and the children and wants to make it work, but when you are a new parent, it is so hard not to take things as a dig or criticism....

bakedpotato · 15/03/2007 12:11

Shame on your MW for not taking more responsibility for this.
I am just so for you and hope an appt comes through earlier.
About DP... well, not much I can say. He is probably just as tired as you and struggling also. The letter is a good idea, I think, as long as it's the right sort of letter. Can you write down how you are feeling, what you need from him, and spell out that you won't be like this forever? Appeal to him, ask him for help.
He must be so scared, everything is different for him now the baby's here, he's probably frightened that this is it, forever.
He won't understand what is happening.

bakedpotato · 15/03/2007 12:13

(by everything being different, I mean that you are different, he needs to understand that you've got an illness)

Mumpbump · 15/03/2007 12:26

I think it's quite difficult when you're a brand new parent and have a partner who has been through it before. Dh had his own way of doing things with ds based on how he and his ex brought up his children and sometimes it is different to how I want ds to be brought up. I definitely remember feeling like I was being criticised from time to time in the first few weeks, although I don't believe for a minute he was doing it intentionally.

It sounds like your dh is struggling with having a new baby as well as you. Writing a letter is a good idea. Even if you don't give it to him, it will help you sort things out in your own mind and you might be able to have a more constructive conversation with him.

When dh and I had a big row (not often, but generally at about 03:00 am!), I used to take a deep breath and then (when he got back from work) say, look, I know this is difficult for both of us and we are both adjusting and tired, but we both need to make allowances for that fact and try to be a bit nicer to each other.

I think it's very easy to feel like you're isolated when you have a young baby and the reality is that you're both under massive pressure with sleep deprivation thrown in. Understanding that and keeping it in mind that you're in it together certainly helped us.

tron · 15/03/2007 18:13

nag nag nag nag nag all the receptionists etc.

You could have been me 9 months ago but lickily my mw hv and gp were really supportive, without telling me mw arranged for gp to make a house call, dd was about 2 weeks, she prescribed me ads and has been fab. I'm in south wales too - where are you, you can cat me or we could meet up just to get out of the house

Original poster

julezboo · 16/03/2007 09:50

Hiya tron and everyone else

Tron Im in bridgend. Where abouts are you?

I ventured to the gp's surgery this morning, but silly of me I know I couldnt bring myself to go in Will try HV again but DP is trying to get Monday morning off work to come with me to sit and wait.

I think I finally got through to him yesterday how bad I was feeling, I sent him a link the the PND website and he was much more supportive last night. We both went to be smiling rather than sniping at each other.

The one sentence that got through to him was "most of the time I just wanna fall into your arms and cry till i cant cry no more"

Thanks for the support everyone. I will let you know how docs goes on Monday x x

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 16/03/2007 11:31

Your dp sounds like he is fundamentally very nice! Hope you have a good weekend and good luck at the doctor's on Monday...

LucyJones · 16/03/2007 11:38

So sorry to hear what a tough time your going through. You've had some excellent advice on here and your dp also sounds like my dh when we first became parents.. Unable to cope with new parenthood and not sure how to vocalise his feelings without it ending up in a row. Is there any way his mum could come over and stay (maybe not with you but somewre near by). An extra pair of hands and someone to talk to dp might help?

MamaMaiasaura · 16/03/2007 11:43

julezboo - just wanted to wish you well on monday too. I had PND with my first. Similarly I also had no problems bonding with ds I just felt desperatley and unreasonabley unhappy and hated myself.

I am ttc now and have been told that because of past PND I will be monitored closely. I am sorry that you havent already been given support. When you had PND before did you have a CPN or were u supported through gp practice.

It is no wonder you are feeling low as well esp after 4xmc's. Dont be hard on yourself. Hope it all goes ok on Monday xx

Original poster

julezboo · 16/03/2007 12:01

Lucy she cant come over till aug, thats why we are going over to her in May (or sooner if we can get it sorted!) She would have to stay here when she comes over and tbh Thats the part Im not looking forward too! We dnt get on very well but I want her involved with ds2 as much as she can be from over there.

Awen - i just had meds last time and lots of friends and family round me, took me a year or so but I got there eventually. Im already making more of an effort to go out though, meeting up with some ladies of another website on wed next week Also after school tonight we are going to have a nice walk down to the park/stream and feed the ducks

thanks all. x x

OP posts:

tron · 16/03/2007 20:41

Hi julezboo, I'm in St Athan so not far apart. I have been going to a pnd group course thing in cornelly that has just finished and it was so nice to find i'm not alone and the group really helped, I can give you the number of the woman who ran it, i think she's from the cmht in ogwr but there are hv's who go, occupational health people, psych nurses all who help you to cope there were about 12 of us mums too. I can't believe there is such a difference in support but if you ever need a chat or anything just get in touch cos you deff aren't on your own feeling like this, talking helps so try to be as honest as poss with dp as bottling it up only makes everything seem worse - trust i've been there and i think/hope i'm on my way back up again - just keep trying to talk to someone, i promise in the long run you will feel better

MamaMaiasaura · 17/03/2007 11:57

i went to pnd group too here and it is amazing the difference it makes. Suddenly u realise u are not alone and it is really supportive and non judgemental. x

tron · 17/03/2007 12:45

awen, when did you go, was is the one run by gail and fran? if so it's fab

MamaMaiasaura · 17/03/2007 12:54

tron - not form ur area - am soton. group was fab tho and supportive. Think is good share experiences.. prob why mumsnet is fab too

Mumpbump · 22/03/2007 13:12

Julez - how are you doing and how did you get on at the doctor's?

Original poster

julezboo · 22/03/2007 13:28

thanks for asking mumpbump

I managed to speak to hv shes popping round tomorrow to have a chat.
But tbh now that me n dp are getting on much better im having more good days than bad I will keep my appt at the docs for next week, dp has the afternoon off to come with me. Hes also booked monday off so the two of us can spend the day together (baby in pram of course lol)

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 22/03/2007 14:14

Pleased to hear that things are a bit better. The early days are SO tough. I was saying to dh the other day, I am really dreading when no. 2 arrives in October and I have to go through it all again, except with a very active toddler too. My early baby days are unfortunately clear in my mind...

Flip

1 2