Pretty sure DH has just had nervous breakdown!!!! :-(

[needtogetoffchest]

Regular mumsnetter but changed name as know too many mumsnetters in RL.

Will try and keep short but apologies if I go on a bit.

Bit of history first......had problems with DH for years with the way he deals with his stress/anger. Always refused anger/stress management counselling until the last time we had big row when he agreed to for my sake (yet not really thinking needed it). Not sure where his problems come from but I'm pretty sure it's down to his violent upbringing???

Anyway, last night was the worst ever. He's very very stressed at work at the moment, finding life hard (money, getting old i.e. loosing hair and teeth etc) and then yesterday, we had big car problems which I think tipped him over the edge. He got back from work and later in evening, had bit to drink to destress once ds in bed. We ended up talking about stuff we weren't happy about, I told him I wasn't happy with the way he treats me/makes me feel when he's so stressed like that. Said can't take much more and even said that one day I might go out and end up having an affair if offered on a plate as just had enough (was just trying to snap him out of the way he treats me as over the years we've had same conversation over and over and nothing gets through). Anyway, at one point he started acting weird and then just lost it. Swearing loads, shouting etc, begged him to stop as ds in bed but it was like he had no control and he just couldn't stop.

It got so bad (he feels a failier as a father, breadwinner etc etc) than he lost it and started punching himself in the face VERY hard. I was begging him to stop hurting himself but he wouldn't so I got in there trying to stop him myself. I got punched in the elbow by mistake and cried and said 'you've just hit me' he was very apologetic but then coz felt bad, hit himself even more, smashed him head again the wall a few times, I grabbed him and screamed 'DH, NOOOOOO, PLEASE, NOOOOOOOOOOO' - I'm surprised neighbours didn't call the police as they must have thought he was beating me or something. Anyway, can't remember what happened straight after but I remember him getting horrible and him going on about killing himself and at some point I had enough and said 'oh bloody do it, get it over and done with' which I feel awful about but it was obviously the built up stress of years of problems that made me snap. He rushed to pack bags and go and I tried to stop him. Said didn't measn it, I'm sorry and I love him etc. but couldn't get through to him. Told him not fair on me and ds but he seemed to think we're better off without him.

Anyway, can't remember at what point he changed but he just suddenly started crying his eyes out about what a bad person he was etc, useless and all that. I tried to hug him but he told me not to touch him (don't think he felt he deserves the hug???) I perserved, treating him like I would try to calm my ds if was having a bad tantrum and EVENTUALLY (took time) he let me hold him, I stroked his face over and over to try and calm him and then after about 20 mins, managed to get him to sit down on the sofa. He sobbed like a child, it broke my heart.

He finally admitted he felt physotic at the moment - BIG RESULT - and admitted he needed help but when I told him he's not going to work tomorrow (today), he was going on about how much work he has and that he has to . Anyway, he went to bed, I stayed down as was in shock at the events and needed a bit of time. He was asleep when I got up there. This morning, swollen face and puffy eyed, he went to work

I phoned him about making a Dr's appointment and he said would have to be before or after work as they don't like you missing time at work. I was so upset as last night was a big thing and he's not just got a bug or something!!!!! I cried then hung up. He phoned later and said someone at work asked if he was ok and he told them no and said a couple of things to them. They said to get to the Dr's and get signed off for a week. To many people at work are ill from the stress! Anyway, he finally agreed to getting an appointment on Monday (otherwise it would be 12th March!!) and I've booked it!

So, we go to the Dr's, tell them he's stressed but then what?? What should we ask for? Yes, he needs signing off BUT he also needs much more help than time off. Just don't want fobbing off by the Dr (coz I know it happens!) and want to know what sort of help he needs?

He's abused drugs in the past which could be part of it (nothing very heavy but still) and I just want my dh to get better.

Any advice? Any success stories? I suppose I just wanted to chat to someone as I'm on my own at home with a poorly ds who's sleeping and I can't stop thinking about last night. It terrified me

Thanks if you've managed to get to the end

hi

sorry too, dd has been sick and so am i so not been about much.

as ever, things have turned on a pin for me and it's all gone pear shaped again.

too sick and demoralised to go into detail but i just don't think it can get any worse....

still, they say it's darkest before the dawn and if that's case then i'm in for one helluva sunrise one way or another......

hope you're having a good week yourself.

Oh paddlechick, feel free to contact me for a chat whenever you want to talk! Are you on MSN? If so, you can contact me on looneytune76 at hotmail dot co dot uk or you can CAT me.

Sorry you are not having a good time

This week is ok thanks, dh still off work, planning to go back in on Monday. We're at my parents at the moment, coming home tomorrow.

Anyway, I've got my laptop with me should you want to talk.

Take care xxx

Oh God, its made me so sad reading this. Why do some men find it so hard to deal with their feelings? My DP has said he wants to move out rather than talk about whats going on in his head. He thinks he can block it out by watching tv and playing on the computer. When i try to talk to him Im just nagging.

NTGOC, well done for getting your DH to the Drs, thats the step i cant get DP to take. Paddlechick, sorry to hear about your problems too.

Good luck all

Hi ladies, sorry to hear so many having a hard time with their dh - although I was relieved to come acrooss this thread and feel that I'm not alone. My dh, like yours needtogetoffchest, has always had problems in dealing with stress and anger but, although he has proved to be a very loving and involved father to our 6wk old dd, since she was born his moods and anger have escalated into what I can only think must be deppression. I have tried to talk to him and he freely admits to feeling on the brink of a breakdown and he gets so upset as he says he feels guilty for making me unhappy and not being there as much as he'd like to for me and our dd. There seem to be a lot of factors, including how he feels about his job, his family, feeling a failure , but I can't get him to talk to anyone and he is against AD. I tried to explain that I will support him as much as I can but, especially with a new born, I haven't got the emotional strength that he needs or the answers he is looking for. There are times when he is completely irrational and flips out over the slightest thing and I get so angry as I think why should I have to put up with this s*!t and be spoken to like that, but then I know he doesn't mean it and he gets so upset I just want to hug him and make things ok. It sounds as is you have taken that all important first step, needtogetoffchest, and I wish you all the best - thanks for letting me get off my chest too!

I know this thread is old and maybe I should start another thread but I just didn't know how to start it. Anyway, I'm using my normal name, haven't got the energy to hide anymore plus I'm always messing up and using the wrong name anyway!

Dh finally got a counselling appointment through this week which is good but I feel really bad as I've been finding life hard and this week something snapped inside and after a big row with dh at the start of the week, I just can't stop crying over silly things

I feel bad because I should be there for dh but I couldn't bottle things up anymore. Dh has been MUCH better, has the odd day where he's really fed up but nothing major and I'm hoping the counselling with help. Am I going to make him worse again as he knows I'm struggling with life? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to him but it all got too much one day and it all came out. He's just taken ds out for a while and before he went he was lovely and trying to make me lunch but I'm not hungry, he asked if I wanted to join them for a change (as all I ever do is work) but I couldn't stop crying for long enough - a tiny thing happened earlier and it's made me in a terribly sad mood .

I could go on about why I feel like this but I suppose right now I'm feeling more guilty about the way I feel - bad timing and all that!

Not quite sure why I've posted? Suppose I just wanted to get that off my chest

I'm name changing at the moment too, from anothe rthread. I want to tell you that your OP rung a few bells with me w/r my dh who is going through a rough time this year. Similar issues around feeling a failure as provider and stress and lack of money etc. I have no advice, other than to commend you on your 'bravery' and support. It's very hard isn't it? I've tried to get dh to go for counselling but he won't. Things are not helped by problems on his family's side. I can almost 'predict' depression looming (it's mild at the moment but...) He won't do anything to help himself in terms of hobbies/excercise etc.

God what do you do???

Anyway, in answer to your most recent post, i think you are allowed to feel low, you have been supporting him through some very tough things and sometimes life is hard for everybody. Are you able to do some things you enjoy? Do you get any time off? Try and find some small things to take pleasure in and give yourself a break. Much luck, strength and love to you x

just seen this and very similar to my DH, just posted on another thread about his childhood absue and this didn't come to light until after the dc's were born. before they were born he could avoid responsibility and stress (i did the money management,business books etc!!!).

after we had dc's and it all came out in the open plus he traced his birth mother, he started to go awol from work for the slightest thing and i would be left picking up the pieces and then his temper (had been very laid back) started to get worse. this really esculated after dc2 and some outside stuff happened affected us. i couldn't say anything. holes would appear in the walls and objects would be thrown and broken, he didn't use me as a punch bag but i did get hurt (hands round neck etc)

he also started to self harm again (cutting himself or bashing his head, with a heavy frying pan , wall anything hard) it later came out that he would self harm because he had hurt me or to stop him hurting me)

he would sometimes self harm in front of me which was awful. he had no self confidence, no self belief hated everything and blamed me for making him feel that way

it was as if he was Jeckel and Hyde once he came after me and left the stair gate opena nd didn't see ds2 walk straight past him to the top of the stair case, he then tumbled down, i then got arm twisted as i wouldn't let DH near ds2.

in the end i spoke to the HV about it , who told me to get DH to the GP (which as DH knew marraige was on line he did go, but made my life hell on way) GP never referred him (thought he could solve it all) and never prescribed anything.

once during an episode i tried getting him sectioned but when he came home he'd calmed down and knew all the right things to say.

because i went for help i had the threat of SS over me and felt like a victim as had to keep my emotions in check so not to make matters worse if he did start (the GP said i was the trigger!!!! great, not me personally but my role, becuase DH wanted to do everything right, the pressure it put on him)

despite everything we have worked through things and things are much better, there have been glimpses of the past behaviour strating again but it's not developed and the dc's seem to have survived without it affecting their behaviour and they know that they are loved and arguing is bad and affection is good. BUT because the GP didn't refer him and didn't help i doubt i will ever get DH back to a counsellor, i think we need it, i love him dearly but he has issues (which he denies), i've been to relate on my own.

I am scared that even though he stresses that anything horrible he said he didn't mean it as it was said when he was angry it has destroyed part of the love i have for him (because it hurt) and i am scared it will be destroyed for ever as he doesn't understand why i still remember that more than when he tells me he loves me. howevre i do love him and i want to be with him and when he's togther which is most of the time now (i can warn him if he's getting too stressed and he takes himself off for a walk) he is the most perfect husband and father.

i've gone on and perhaps not given a good account but to get through it properly i believe you both need counselling, and counselling only works if it's wanted. you are not alone, very very few marriages are perfect! a lot less than most people think

you ok looneytunes?

Thanks for the replies and sorry I haven't come back til now. I was so drained in the end on Sunday that I was unable to get any work done whilst dh took ds out so I just went to my room

Dh was great and supportive which was a big as he's usually totally useless with this stuff. Anyway, yesterday I felt better (well, apart from I wanted to hide as it was obvious I'd been crying loads the day before - face and eyes VERY puffy).

grunjle - thanks so much, yes, it's hard isn't it. Sorry you're having a hard time too, it's horrible when they get like this isn't it, I'm sure men are a lot harder to deal with as they bottle things up more and won't see Dr's etc!! I'm afraid it's not possible for me to do something for myself right now, I just don't have the time. This is what made me reach breaking point this week I think. I'm finding my current situation with the mindees I have very hard atm and of course the endless worry about what needs doing workwise finally stressed me out too much. Dh has been lovely, very surprised, and he's realised just how much I do. He's taking little bits off me, nothing major as he can't (he can't build websites for my customers, he can't do my childminding paperwork, he can't do the accounts as I need to sort them then show him how I do it first.........) but it's all a start. We're going on a very much needed holiday a week on Monday and I can't wait - this is what's keeping me going at the moment. I was 20 when I last laid on a beech (11 years ago!) and I think we've made big mistakes never going away and doing things, I know we couldn't really afford to but life is too short!!! So at the moment I'm getting as much work done as possible, handing over friends websites (no pay) for them to take over as I haven't got the time to do it just to be nice (I have a habit of taking on more and more just to help others out and I've just realised that I've been very silly and it's really not helped me), dh is doing little bits and trying to sort some kind of system out. Hope you get through these problems with your dh and please come on hear to moan every now and then - great support!

tamariki - how awful i just can't begin to imagine what it must have been like to see your own dh who you love, self harming like that. And for you to feel the trigger for being in that role, horrible I must say I cause a lot of the problems with dh's behaviour as I'm asking/telling him to do things to help me and he just wants an easy life. He always thinks about how things affect him but would happily sit watching tv, go out and have a fag etc whilst I'm rushing left right and centre to sort stuff out - I could never do that, I'd feel way too guilty. HOWEVER, he was lovely this weekend and it's like he's suddenly opened his eyes - god I hope so, I couldn't bear it all going back to how it was again. I think he just wants an easy life after the awful childhood he had. I really sympathise with him, I always have BUT I can't carry on doing EVERYTHING just to give him the easy life - boy, I'd LOVE an easy life!! Oops, went on I really hope things continue to be better for you, I sort of understand the bit where you say your dh had the right words etc - my dh can be a complete ar*ehole but appear like the loveliest man in the world to others - very good at putting a front on! (think this hurt more as it showed he COULD be nice when he wanted to)

filthymindedvixen - I'm ok thanks and sorry again for not coming back. I couldn't bring myself to com back to this yesterday after how I was on Sunday - was worried I'd be all tearful again and not be able to stop, felt rough enough/totally drained from Sunday. Anyway, I'm hopeful we can sort things out and I feel better for letting dh know how I feel. I felt so guilty and was worried sick I'd cause problems for him again - can't have both parents being in a state at the same time now can we!!

Thanks again everyone

have a lovely holiday , hope things continue to work themselves out

Thanks

Back with a new name

Things have gone from being GREAT, had the BEST holiday, been very much in love, dh been great, even had fab weekend away for our wedding anniversary the other week. We decided to try for another baby as ds is 4.5 now and dh is 46 so time ticking and we were very mcuh ready for it. Very excited - life great!! Then all of a sudden, last week dh changed back into the old one I didn't like. He's been snappy, moody, horrible. I sent him an email (as never listens) and explained how I felt about everything and how unsupportive he was as a husband, very uncaring etc (long story but I had some things really worrying me). He never acknowledged it, just carried on as normal which hurt. I sat down with him last night and we talked for ages. All was very calm, I explained how I felt and how I really wish he'd rebook his counselling appointment (the other day I asked when he was going to rebook as he'd cancelled and he replied 'oh, FFS, am I never allowed to ever get angry about ANYTHING ever again!!) as he clearly needs it, all said nice and calm. Anyway, long story short, he's decided he's no good for me and ds and we could do better. I said all we wanted was for him to get help but no......he's decided we should get a DIVORCE instead!! I'm soooo hurt, gutted, in shock.

I'll probably come back later to say more, i haven't got it in me to explain all my feelings at the moment, just looking at practicalities (got threads on legal section and relationships)

Just felt the need to post my feelings, somehow it helps.

Thanks