Can someone please hold my hand for a bit?

[iveburntthetoast]

In a nut shell: I'm under the crisis team, bipolar, suicidal, plans. I don't think I can keep going beyond tonight. I've tried PRN meds and every distraction technique under the sun.

I rang the crisis team for help earlier todaythey can't see me until 7pm, which seems like a lifetime away. DH will need to drive there and traipse the DD's all the way there (45 mins each way). Last time I was given an 'appointment' for 8pm, I dind't get seen until midnight. I think I need admittingand I don't say that very often. I've used up every ounce of energy I have. But last time I went through this whole rigmarole, they just dismissed me as needing more sleep (my CPN had already been in contact and told them it was bad, but they ignored that.) Or, quite likely, there will be no beds on the local ward anyway and I don't want to go out of area (hospitals with bad reputations). I've been admitted many times so I know the ropes. I'm worried that if I tell them everything and there are no local beds, they will section me and force me to go out-of-area. Or I keep stuff back and try to find out if there are beds so that I can keep the choice of whether to go in, but then they will probably just dismiss me. Things have changed a lot in the last few years at the psych hosptial--and not for the better.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just hanging on.

Yes toast would like to hear how you're doing today if you'd like to chat

Thanks for posting. If there was a bed in my local hospital, I would take it, but it seems there's no chance of that. This has never happened before. I've alwasy been able to get a bed if I need it (a small miracle given how bad MH services are in many places). It seems that psych care in Scotland is in the grip of a crisis over the holidays. They've been sending people hundreds of miles away, and all over. I've never heard of it being this bad before. When I went to the assessment centre, I was given the sense that they were having to go further and further out (hunrdeds of miles) to find a bed. I've been admitted a lot and know the reputations of some hospitals are poor--patientts attacked, people sleeping on the floor of the day room. Somteimes hospitals are not places of safety.

Also, going out of area would mean not being treated by my usual pdoc. I've seen him (and my CPN) for a good few years. He knows and understands that I rapid-cycle and that I have very unusual and extreme reactions to medication. It's taken years to get somebody to realise that I have reactions to medication that are deemed 'impossible'--but they happen with me. I take 1350mg of quetiapine (800mg being the max licensed dose) because my pdoc did lots of tests and realised I metabolise it very quickly. (They mannaged to get a blood level of quetiapine. The normal range is roughly 200-400. My level was 6. Nevertheless, it works really well for my mood generally and we've agreed it's the best of everything else I've tried.)

I know there are many docs out there, however, who would refuse to prescribe over 800mg of quetiapine. I don't need a pdoc in a random hospital miles away messing around with medication that (in my case) they don't understand. So, yes, going in could help me, but only if there's continuity of care.

I am seeing the crisis team tomorrow, my pdoc on Wednesday, and my CPN on Thursday. My pdoc is always able to liaise with my CPN so there's no waiting for weeks to get advice on medication. Services will be back to normal on Wednesday (tomorow is a bank holiday up in Scotland.)

Sorry for another long waffle. I'm also feeling pressure from work (not from anybody else, just the fact the workload is stacking up.) I know it's morbid, but I've been sending on work to people just in case I'm not around to pick up teaching in a few weeks.

OP it sounds to me like there's a bit of a plan in place, and forgive me if I'm wrong, you sound a little more positive in knowing that these appointments are going to happen. Obvs forget about work, that's not priority for now and focus on your wellbeing. I'm proud of you toast you're doing great and sound stronger than you did in your OP.

That sounds really encouraging and well thought through. You just need to keep it together enough to get through the next few days. try and ignore the work if you can.

I can see why you wouldn't want placing elsewhere. At least you don't have too long to wait to see pdoc

When you said out of area I was presuming next county not 100's of miles away. I didn't realise things were that bad.

I understand why you don't want to be admitted out of area. Hopefully a bed in your local hospital will come up. Or you won't need one. Hope the crisis team help.

my DH had hidden the keys so I can't get out, but I found them and snook my back door key away. I was ready to run for it tonight, but DH found the key as it dropped from my jeans pocket. Feel like double shit now.

You will get better you know. Maybe not straight away but you will. Your DH sounds very caring

He is my rock. He wasn't angry, just gave me a big hug. I'm very lucky.

Your DH loves you doesn't he - it sounds like he's really got your back toast. I have been thinking of you often today, even though I haven't been on here as much, sorry about that. Have you got a sudoku book or something like that to occupy your mind for a bit. I hope you also manage to get some sleep. I'm back to work tomorrow 😖 but I'll be thinking of you and will come and say hi if I manage to get a break. Stay strong - you're doing so well.

Your DH sounds lovely - and you sound lovely. You are obviously a great match for each other.
Just another one here letting you know that I'm thinking of you.
I really hope you get some more support over the next few days. You are doing so well. You've probably heard this before but :

“Courage isn’t always as loud as a lion’s roar.
Sometimes, courage is the whisper in your heart that says: I will try again tomorrow”

How are you today toast?

How are you doing? Any luck with local beds yet?

Hi toast - rubbish 1st day back so I couldn't get on mn, but I have been thinking of you. How has today been for you?

Thank you so much for asking how I am. I think I've turned a corner---the med increases 4 days ago seem to have kicked in. I see my pdoc tomorrow and need to ask about medium-long term medication plans. I take Agomelatine, lamotrigine, carbamazepine and Quetiapine (huge 1200mg!), but I'm still getting depressive episodes, with psychotic symptoms quite often as well. Something needs to change, but for now, I'm feeling on the mend. Fingers crossed. Thank you to all the lovely people on here who helped keep me going through a difficult time.

That's great news! All the very best!

Thank you for the update toast and really glad to hear your positive tone and that you feel that you're on the mend. Be lovely and kind to yourself and let us know how you continue to get on. Sending you masses of good wishes.

That such great news Toast. Sending you heaps of good wishes this end too!

This has actually made my day toast I'm
so pleased you are starting to feel better.

So pleased you've turned a corner. Hope you get a plan in place when you see the pdoc

I hope you can let us know that your ok but obviously your not under any obligation.

I'm so pleased to see that things are starting to improve toast. Have been thinking of you. Be kind to yourself

Hi toast was just wondering how you are getting on? Hope you are ok.