Can someone please hold my hand for a bit?

[iveburntthetoast]

In a nut shell: I'm under the crisis team, bipolar, suicidal, plans. I don't think I can keep going beyond tonight. I've tried PRN meds and every distraction technique under the sun.

I rang the crisis team for help earlier todaythey can't see me until 7pm, which seems like a lifetime away. DH will need to drive there and traipse the DD's all the way there (45 mins each way). Last time I was given an 'appointment' for 8pm, I dind't get seen until midnight. I think I need admittingand I don't say that very often. I've used up every ounce of energy I have. But last time I went through this whole rigmarole, they just dismissed me as needing more sleep (my CPN had already been in contact and told them it was bad, but they ignored that.) Or, quite likely, there will be no beds on the local ward anyway and I don't want to go out of area (hospitals with bad reputations). I've been admitted many times so I know the ropes. I'm worried that if I tell them everything and there are no local beds, they will section me and force me to go out-of-area. Or I keep stuff back and try to find out if there are beds so that I can keep the choice of whether to go in, but then they will probably just dismiss me. Things have changed a lot in the last few years at the psych hosptial--and not for the better.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just hanging on.

How old sure your DDs? Just scrolled back and couldn't see - sorry if you have already said.

Oh bless her. Better though in the long run for you to get the help you need.
Another one offering a handhold!

So keep posting random stuff. I'm going out at 5.05 to walk DD to the station - ah, blithe youth and a NYE in London - then I'm in all evening and very happy to chat randomly as long as you want.

I know. But I felt like she'd just got over my last admission in May. She'd been so emotional and worried about me. The poor thing must feel like this comes out of the blue--she gets no warning that I'm going to hospital (if I do). But she knows what that place means.

They're 9 and 6. DD1 is a very emotional little thing and takes this badly.

That must be really hard for you toast and yes I agree with your CPN - these are symptoms of your being unwell and like all symptoms, they will pass.

Taking your dd horse riding sounds wonderful, and although it might not be possible next week, how wonderful will it be in a couple months' time when all the blossom is starting to come out! Do you have your own horses?

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Also a totally sole parent. My DD is 19 and has single handedly borne the brunt of many years. She's incredibly well balanced, has amazing friends, is very close to me and these days trusts me totally because I have always been 100% honest with her. Years ago I found a list of hymns she thought I'd like for my funeral. Yet today she is completely happy and has just completed her first term at university reading - of course - psychology. She's perceptive and intuitive and says that her experiences have given her masses of empathy.

Hang in there. It's not your time. It sounds like you have a family that love you and have got your back.
Just keep hanging in there. Just one minute at a time. Then another, then another.
Hope the team get to you soon and you get the help you need and deserve

Bless! It's hard needing to worry about our little ones at the same time as looking after ourselves. What's your favourite book? I love reading. Maybe we have some books in common...

Ah, lovely ages.

Thank you.
lobster your DD sounds lovely.

My DD's 11 and understand admissions a bit too much

Heres a hand ✋

You've done the right thing asking for help but I'm sure you know that

You're doing so well toast. You are being proactive and that's what means you'll be here tomorrow and the next. Because you want to see those amazing little girls grown up and grow old with that lovely DH.

Are you hearing voices or is it just scrambled thoughts? Is your medication on an even keel?

Thinking of you.

I've been under the crisis team OP, I know how scary it is. I'm happy to just chat about whatever.

Hey, toast, your DDs love you. I was trying to say that these experiences, however much we want to change them at the time, can be valuable in a weird way. My DD genuinely says looking back that she wouldn't change anything. I promise you that I have been where you are and it seemed bleak. I do feel for you.

pkl, I don't really have a favourite book any more. I'm an academic (historian) and the majority of books are work-related. I love my work, but It means I spend my working time reading so I tend to want to do something else in my spare time. Although there isn't much spare time to go around....

Any particular area of history?

Ooh I love history! I have a morbid fascination with Henry VIII in particular. I swear I was of his wives in a past life. What's your specialist area of history?

History used to really bore me but now I'm getting older it's getting more interesting. Kind of ironic really.

Flumplet me too, been watching that series recently with Lucy Worsley about him.

The fascination with Henry VIII not me being one of his wives in a past life I mean.

I think history gets more interesting as we age - along with researching our family tree.

Yes I quite enjoyed that series too. I'll soak up any old version of the 6 wives story I can get my hands on. I love it! I love the Philippa Gregory books - even though I know they're not necessarily strictly factual.

I work on the USA since the 1960s, especially African American history
and human rights work.

I don't 'do' any history before 1945. I like 'my people' to be alive so they can tell me about stuff face to face.