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Original poster

Can someone please hold my hand for a bit?

123 replies

iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 15:39

In a nut shell: I'm under the crisis team, bipolar, suicidal, plans. I don't think I can keep going beyond tonight. I've tried PRN meds and every distraction technique under the sun.

I rang the crisis team for help earlier todaythey can't see me until 7pm, which seems like a lifetime away. DH will need to drive there and traipse the DD's all the way there (45 mins each way). Last time I was given an 'appointment' for 8pm, I dind't get seen until midnight. I think I need admittingand I don't say that very often. I've used up every ounce of energy I have. But last time I went through this whole rigmarole, they just dismissed me as needing more sleep (my CPN had already been in contact and told them it was bad, but they ignored that.) Or, quite likely, there will be no beds on the local ward anyway and I don't want to go out of area (hospitals with bad reputations). I've been admitted many times so I know the ropes. I'm worried that if I tell them everything and there are no local beds, they will section me and force me to go out-of-area. Or I keep stuff back and try to find out if there are beds so that I can keep the choice of whether to go in, but then they will probably just dismiss me. Confused Things have changed a lot in the last few years at the psych hosptial--and not for the better.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just hanging on.

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 31/12/2016 17:11

Here's another hand, iveburnt. I'm really struggling today as well, it's really tough seeing all the FB new year posts and all the hype. I've been having a sort out and tidy up today but disappeared off to the garage to cry at one point.

My DDs are a similar age to yours- 5 and 8- it is a lovely age, isn't it? What are they into?

Flumplet · 31/12/2016 17:11

Oh wow that sounds really interesting toast. I really enjoyed learning about the civil rights movement when I was at school and wish i had a more in depth understanding.

Lolimax · 31/12/2016 17:13

Sorry I've had no 3G. You're a Judge Judy fan, my kind of woman! I love her! And you can stand on your head. I tried yoga, loved it but honestly I kept farting. How do you stop that?
I suffer my own demons I had to go back on AD's a few weeks ago after having awful awful panic attacks. So far so good they seem to be working.

Original poster
iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 17:14

Sorry you're also feeling crap mrsk. They are lovely ages.

OP posts:
Frusso · 31/12/2016 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 31/12/2016 17:14

Here for a hand hold, toast you are amazing and brave you're showing your dd that when you need help you ask for it ( not taught these days)
Anyway when I was really bad last time I discovered paper-mache just find a box and some glue and get your dd to help, I found the feeling of the glue and paper and the distraction all helped soothe me and we painted it and gave it to granny after we don't like granny
Flowersfor you op

MyGastIsFlabbered · 31/12/2016 17:22

I always cry at new year anyway, I find it a bit overwhelming. Feeling anxious about this evening...my very new boyfriend is coming over to spend the evening but my mum is here too.

I've been assessed as likely having EUPD so feeling a bit all over the place anyway without the pressure of a new year to contend with.

Does anyone else feel pressure to vow to be a better person in the new year?

Sorry OP I feel like I'm hijacking your thread with my ramblings.

Original poster
iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 17:24

mygast, yes, the crisis team seemed very surprised that I didn't plan to up beyond midnight celebrating the new year. I used to when younger, but it's just another day for me and messing around with my sleep pattern sends my moods haywire.

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 31/12/2016 17:26

Paper mache sounds like a good destraction, Flumps. I like to knit, but it doesn't occupy my mind enough, only my hands.

Gast, I agree there is a lot of pressure this time of year, especially as it's 'supposed' to be a happy time.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 31/12/2016 17:29

Mrsk yes I found the same with crochet, but now I make loads of crap really pretty things and it feels good to create, plus I put it on fb now and strange people buy it so dd's get pennies for my therapy Grin

MyGastIsFlabbered · 31/12/2016 17:33

I tried learning to crochet but I couldn't do it. Same with knitting, although I've not tried it for years. I used to do embroidery but it needs too much 'stuff'

dahliaaa · 31/12/2016 17:36

Toast your posts are full of dignified courage and strength. I know you feel unbearably awful but just keep going a minute at a time. If you do end up being admitted I'll be thinking of you and wishing you better as soon as possible.

dahliaaa · 31/12/2016 17:38

Just to add - I agree with Flumps above. You are showing your DD how to deal with difficult times. You deserve help and you seek help. That is a very very important lesson for her.

Flumplet · 31/12/2016 17:45

toast have you had a look to see if there are any podcasts that tickle your fancy? I recently started listening to some of the women's hour podcasts from Radio 4 that were quite good...

LobsterQuadrille · 31/12/2016 17:58

That's an interesting point about wanting your history to be about living people. My DF is 92 and a prisoner from the last war (German) who has gratefully stayed here ever since. He doesn't talk about it but wrote some memoirs for us a few years ago.

The London train is full of teenagers. I'm so happy not to feel that force any more.

dangermouseisace · 31/12/2016 18:26

I'm the same with NY. My CPN was 'are you REALLY not doing anything to celebrate New Year' (no, what is there to celebrate exactly?)

I think the fact that you are worried about letting your daughter down re horse riding is interesting. You value her happiness. You value her. From that you can ascertain that yes, you have things- people to carry on for.

I get what you are on about though…where every minute feels like a lifetime and you just can't cope any more. You CAN get through this, with support. Don't hold back when you are talking to the MH people, please, if you can't do it for yourself do it for your kids Flowers

Original poster
iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 20:20

Well, I'm home. It was at least a 6 hour wait to see a doctor, probably more. They only have one pdoc on duty for the whole city (to cover A&E, psych hospital and other buildings). Then they had no idea where any beds are available. Certainly none on the surrounding few counties. The CPN said she wanted me to wait and be seen and they would find me a bed somewhere, but told her I wanted to come home. I think they'd have sectioned me if I'd told them everything and then god knows where I would be. So DH has promised to be with me all the time. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the night. What a great way to start a new year Sad

OP posts:
Mummyreindeerlegz · 31/12/2016 20:22

Shit. You just take it one minute at a time. It's all you can do. Dh is with you and we are here to chat to.

Flumplet · 31/12/2016 20:23

Op, I'm sorry that you're being let down. There are no words.
Please take comfort in your DH. I'm still here and thinking of you.

bevelino · 31/12/2016 20:25

OP do you have anyone in RL who can support you and be at your side?

Original poster
iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 20:29

Thank you. I'm curled in a ball on the floor of my study. It feels safer down here. DH is putting the DDs to bed. My area is better than some for MH care so I can only imagine how bad things are elsewhere. From what I heard, they didn't know where they would be sending the people who were ahead of me in the queue to be assessed by the doc. I reckon there will be people spending the night sat in the reception of the assessment area--can't even get seen by a pdoc (who is apparently driving around from one place to another and wasn't even in the building when I was there), never mind the chances of a bed anywhere. I know it's NYE, but what a state.

OP posts:
Original poster
iveburntthetoast · 31/12/2016 20:30

My DH is here. He's my rock.

OP posts:
dahliaaa · 31/12/2016 20:30

I'm really sorry toast. You WILL make it through even though it will be hard. Just breathe - I know that's so much easier said than done but don't think about anything else for tonight. I'll be thinking of you too x

dahliaaa · 31/12/2016 20:32

Sorry x-post. Just stay there if you feel a bit more comfortable. I hope you are at least warm.

Flumplet · 31/12/2016 20:37

You'll make it through the night toast because you are strong - you may not feel it at the moment but you're stronger than you know because you're still with us, despite how you're feeling. I'm so disappointed for you that you haven't had any help. That help will come to you soon though, we just need to keep you going. Have you another nice cup of tea? Have a look and see if there's anything on tv that might keep you busy for a half hour - or those podcasts I was saying about earlier.