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Original poster

Can't do this anymore :(

63 replies

Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2016 18:35

After a shit Christmas my mental health has plummeted do its darkest depth, I feel like I have nothing left to give, nothing to look forward too, no one to enjoy life with, I have two children who would be better off without me, my family have had enough of me being down and I can no longer talk to them ( they judge st tell me to pull myself together ), I have been taking sleeping tablets during the day to knock me out as I just can't cope with life. I have been to the doctor so many times and am on anti depressants, I have no life Sad, when people ask me ' what are you doing tomorrow? 'All I can think is 'I don't want to be here tomorrow'. I feel like I have asked for help but there's nothing anyone can do.

OP posts:
RandomMcRandomer · 29/12/2016 18:39

You need to go back to gp and tell them the medication isn't working. See if you can be refered to the crisis team.

116 123 is the uk number for the Samaritans. They can also help.

It doesn't have to be like this I promise. No child is better off without a parent. They need a parent who is well. It's a long road but you can get better. Please tell your gp. If they don't know the current treatment isn't working they can't help.

Wolfiefan · 29/12/2016 18:41

There is stuff they can do. Better pills. CBT. Other talking therapies.
Your family would absolutely not be better off without you. That's the depression making you feel that way.
GP
Call Samaritans if you feel actually suicidal or get to A and E

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 29/12/2016 18:41

Lovemusic,

Remember it is mid winter all bar a little. This is a very depressing time of year for everyone. Christmas is also a time of unrealistic expectation and resulting high stress. The come down if you have a wonderful time is horrid and the let down if everything goes pear shaped is even worse.

I can't help you that much except to say I know hoe bad this time of year can be when everyone is telling you that you should be having fun and you really don't have the heart for it.

As to family, I was talking to my father over Christmas. he was saying he finds me very difficult.. (which I can be).... I reminded him who's child I am.. in other words, he can thank himself for me being a fruitcake..

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2016 19:24

I will call my GP in the morning, all he ever does is dish me out pills, I have CBT years ago but didn't find it useful. I split with my partner a few days before Christmas, I found out he was cheating, since then all he has done is message, email and whatsapp me vegging to take him back, I have reported him for harassement and the police are looking for him, I hate him but I miss him so much, I know I can't have him back how ever much I want him, my family would disown me if I did and I just know there's no going back, I love him so much but I'm so angry. I was already on the downward spiral before I kicked him out, already on anti depressants and having suicidal thoughts. I hate January when I'm not be mentally ill, I don't think I'm going to make it through Sad.

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ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 19:30

I've been that low. Your children DO need you. How old are they? Is there someone you can call right now? Maybe the Samaritans? Your handle is music lover so try listening to some positive music, I know it's not an answer but it might help you until you can see your GP tomorrow.
If not then go to A&E or your walk in centre, don't be alone whilst you feel like this. Please!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2016 19:33

My children are 10 and 12, they have ASD, most of the time they don't even notice I am here, they both stay in their rooms out of my way. I went to my mums earlier but was told to cheer up. At the moment I don't want to leave the house, I just want to curl up, cry or sleep. As soon as the dc's go to bed I will take more tablets so I go straight to sleep.

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Wolfiefan · 29/12/2016 19:37

Can you call the Samaritans?
Telling a person with depression to snap out of it or cheer up is stupid and unhelpful. You need a sympathetic ear.
Maybe a different GP? Maybe different pills. (Can take a while to find the right one/right dose) Maybe a different form of therapy.

ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 19:38

Please don't OD!!
That's typical kid behaviour for that age, too cool for parents. They would be devastated if anything happened to you. The emotional fallout on them isn't worth thinking about. You are worth so much more to them alive.
You don't need to be strong all the time, ask them for a hug, tell them your a bit sad right now and need a hug.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2016 19:46

I have been on matrazapine for several weeks, I have increased the dose, I have sleeping tablets, I do not have many left so not enough to OD, sometimes I self medicate with other prescription drugs, if I had some Vallium here I would take that. I hate phoning people, I don't want to call the Samaritans, nothing anyone can say will make me feel better, I have too many bad thoughts in my head.
My dc's never tell me they love me, my youngest is more severely autistic and had never told me she loves me, they don't hug me, they just expect me to feed and wash them, that's my life Sad

OP posts:
ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 19:48

Is this something you could possibly talk to them about? Maybe with help?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2016 19:59

My dc's don't understand, my youngest laughed when I'm upset and the eldest just goes to her room, I'm no use to them Sad.
I have taken sleeping tablets so I can sleep and stop my brain overthinking everything, I will phone my GP in the morning to see if I can take anything else or up my anti depressants. I don't know how many more days I can handle, I have never felt this low and I can't see a way out.

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ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 29/12/2016 20:12

The 'way out' of that low low point in my depression for me was to find a way to cope. It took a while.
Are your kids in bed? Have a good night sleep OP.
Please post again tomorrow so we know your ok!

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 29/12/2016 20:49

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

AnxiousCarer · 29/12/2016 20:54

You may be able to self refer to crisis team, you can in our area, the phone number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard. Definately see GP in the morning. Also if you don't like talking on the phone you can email [email protected] for support.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2016 08:44

Thank you, I have a appointment at 10.40am, I am going to ask for a mental health assessment, I don't feel safe being on my own, I'm worried I will harm myself. I'm scared that social services will become involved with my dc's, I have messaged their dad to see if he can come and sit with them whilst I go to the doctors but he's probably busy.

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ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 30/12/2016 08:58

I'm glad to hear your alright this morning.
Really hope your GP can help! I think you need to be totally open about how your feeling so they can help best... SS won't get involved unless there's a danger to children which there isn't. Good luck OP

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2016 09:14

A part of me hopes they amit me to hospital for a couple days because I don't want to be here, I don't really want to be anywhere Sad

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AnxiousCarer · 30/12/2016 10:41

Hi, hope your appointment goes well. Even if SS do get involved it isn't neccessarily a bad thing, they would much rather look at ways of supporting you to look after your kids yourself, than anything else.

ChasinMyDreamJobWithEveryFibre · 30/12/2016 10:41

Please tell them that!!! I hope it goes ok!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2016 11:49

Back home now, nurse/GP have referred more to the mental health team as urgent, I'm not sure how quickly I will hear from them. I am a total mess, my ex husband told me to sort myself out and that its all my fault, he said he can not be expected to pick up the pieces, I asked him to leave. He said he would call my mum, I don't want my mum here, she just gets upset which makes me feel even more guilty. My dc's are playing upstairs and refuse to even look at me. I don't know how much more I can take, I'm fed up of people telling me what I should be doing and how I should be pulling myself together, it's not that easy or I would be doing it.
I have been told I have been OD' Ing on my med's so now have to reduce them, I don't know if I can, I know if I take more they will make me sleep and sleep is the closest I can get to not being here without hurting anyone.

OP posts:
AnxiousCarer · 30/12/2016 12:22

Call crisis team today if you don't hear from them. Number should be available online or through local hospital switchboard.

It really isn't a case of pulling yourself together it isn't that easy as a lot of us know. Set little goals, get through the day one minute at a time if neccesary. Huge hugs

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2016 13:37

They gave me a phone number for local crisis team, I hate calling people. I'm just taking things a hour at a time.

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AnxiousCarer · 30/12/2016 17:42

Thats it, small steps, remember you can email [email protected] for support rather than phoning if that is easier.

Wolfiefan · 30/12/2016 17:44

Small steps.
I'm hoping if it's urgent they will be quick. Can you write down what you want to say? You really sound like you need some respite. You do NOT sound like you need to pull yourself together. You sound unwell and in dire need of support.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2016 17:56

Thank you all so much. My dad was here most of the afternoon, he didn't really say much too me which was probably a good thing, just nice to have someone sat there as it means I can hurt myself. I'm now on my own with my dc's, I have managed to cook them beans on toast. My mum called again and just keeps on making me feel worse. I will try and sleep as soon as dc's go to bed but last night the sleeping tablets didn't kick in, I guess I have over used them. Mental health team have not called so I'm guessing I won't hear anything until after new year?
I don't want to have to call the crisis team, I hate using te phone, I find it much easier chatting on here.

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