Can't do this anymore :(

[Lovemusic33]

After a shit Christmas my mental health has plummeted do its darkest depth, I feel like I have nothing left to give, nothing to look forward too, no one to enjoy life with, I have two children who would be better off without me, my family have had enough of me being down and I can no longer talk to them ( they judge st tell me to pull myself together ), I have been taking sleeping tablets during the day to knock me out as I just can't cope with life. I have been to the doctor so many times and am on anti depressants, I have no life , when people ask me ' what are you doing tomorrow? 'All I can think is 'I don't want to be here tomorrow'. I feel like I have asked for help but there's nothing anyone can do.

Keep chatting here if it helps. Hoping the pills do work tonight and give you a peaceful night. Don't forget someone else said you could email Samaritans if necessary.

Glad that having your Dad arround was helpful, maybe you could get him to call crisis team for you. They will want to speak to you, but he could make the initial call if that would help. They will be working 24/7 over the BH weekend, so should be available any time.

Well done for cooking the kids tea, thats a big achievement. You are doing well, keep it up, little steps.

Feeling lonely lonely. All I want to do is sleep but I can't , I'm scared of tomorrow and what it will bring, another day feeling rock bottom. I want to i feel happier but I just can't, I want to leave the house but I'm scared so will probably spend another day on the sofa.

Hold on in there. Call the crisis team to.orrow. in the meantime call the Samaritans rather than be alone with all this.

Hoping you have got to sleep now, if not focus on your breathing in for 3 out for 3 shut everything out, breathing in for 3 out for 3, in for 3 out for 3.....

Been awake all night, 100 things going through my mind all at the same time, could not shut down, paranoia kicked in too, my car alarm went off, the dog kept jumping up and barking at noises outside which made me more anxious.

I'm going to phone crisis team this morning, I have text the dc's dad to see if he can have them today, he thinks this is all my fault and will have a go at me but I have no one else who can help with the dc's. I'm so scared I will be taken in to hospital and I will have to leave my dc's and my animals.

Please keep posting... how did the phone call go?

I spoke to crisis team, they have tried to motavate me into doing some housework, ran through a few coping strategies and said they would call me back. I don't want to seem ungrateful but I feel I have gone past the point of putting my face in ice cold water to calm me down, I'm quite spaced out and I can't feel much other than the pain in my head and heart , I just want to take pills and sleep for the day, I don't want to feel all of this pain, I don't want to feel paranoid and sad. I know there's no magic pill to make me feel better, no magic wand. I'm just waiting for my ex husband to collect the dc's, they need to be away from me.

What exactly is the pain?
Can you describe it?

It's hard to describe, the pain in my heart is me grieving for my ex, I hate him for what he has done but I miss him so much, I feel so lonely without him, we did everything together or so I thought. My chest feels tight with anxiety and grief, my head hurts but feels empty like I have nothing left to give . I feel so alone, I don't want to be on my own tonight but no one wants to be around me because I am depressed, everyone thinks I have caused it myself and I should snap out of it. I want to snap out of it but the pain is too much.

Love music this is a very difficult time for you going through a break up or for anyone who is not also suffering with their mental health. You are doing the best you can at the moment and are taking some positive steps forward. Think you should reach out to the samaritans even by email if the phone is too much. Maybe try cbt again? Sometimes it could be the practitioner you didn't gel with rather than the practice itself?

I always find writing down my feelings helps and some meditation or deep breathing exercises can help a little

Stay strong if you can

So we are coming towards tge problem. Grief after the breakup.

I am given to understand it goes through a number of recognised stages. Loss, anger, recognition acceptance. If the breakup was recent you are un the esrly stages. Not much help except that time passes and you grow stronger.

As to tonight, we are going to bed early.

As to tomorrow, i can only say this time last year I has a very depressed nephewliving with is after his wife kicked him out the house. Then he met someone on Tinder of all places. Wedding bells are being prepared. . Fairy tales do happen.

Thank you, crisis team called me back but didn't offer much support. I have tried to contact a few friends to see if anyone can come over tonight but they all have better things to do, everyone seems to busy to help and I don't blame them for not wanting to help.
I don't know why I'm feeling such grief, the relationship was up and down ( brilliant one minute and terrible the next ), the gag adage he dame with caused me to become depressed a long time ago and I always told myself that if we didn't work out I would be OK. I don't know why it has caused me to reach rock bottom. I don't know how I will get through tonight but I guess I just will, plan is to take sleeping tablets as soon as dc's have gone to bed and hopefully they will knock me out, I haven't slept for almost 48 hours so hopefully sleep will kick in at some point.

love music for each moment you keep going,its an achievement
You won't leave your kids mumless,as mums we love them too much to do that.whilst they have ASD they still know who you are and would be very upset you suddenly never came back.my kids are my focus to stay when it all goes tits up.Xmas and mid winter flip many of us,add in A break up and even those without MH would flounder. Have you support with the kids issues?
I am sorry you don't have strong family support.I know from experience how lonely ut can be and how frustrating pull yourself together/cheer up is
Like you would choose to feel like this?take things a bit at a time.realise even making meals for them is a victory. If you don't have strong friendships you can reach too please keep posting as we all need someone to listen when life's hard.we care what happens to you.getting meds right can take time but once its right things start even off a bit.other than music is there anything you like to do to relax?x

I just can't find any will power to do anything, everything I used to enjoy reminds me of him, we did so much together.
I'm struggling to think a hour ahead, as it's getting later in the day I can feel myself slipping further. I'm waiting for my dc's to come home but I know when they are home I will just feel guilty for not being the mum I'm supposed to be. Hopefully they will be fed before they come home then I just need to get them to bed time.

I feel empty, like I have nothing left to give and like I'm a waste of space.

For a waste of space you have a lot of people trying to help you. That's because we recognise that you are not a waste of space. You are someone who is seriously ill. That does not make you a bad person. Just someone who is depressed.

Clearly the split up is causing you a lot of ongoing issues. Can you describe what happened yet? It sounds trite but writing it down often helps. And no one here recognises who you are. No one will judge,,,,, (big hint there ti fellow MN's .. This is not AIBU)

I was with him for just a year, he was very pushy and needy from the start and moved in very quickly (people warned me), he came with baggage, a ex wife and 2 children, I can't go into too much detail as it may out me but the past year has involved social services and his kids, court cases and a lot of stress. 75% of the time our relationship was brilliant but other times he would get snappy with me, chuck things across the room and was sexually abusive ( I inow you are going to say 'why do I still love this twat?'). The past few months things went down hill, things felt different, depression set in probably for both of us. One morning he snapped at me, he didn't hit me but shouted and was verbally abusive, I didn't speak to him for the next day, then the next evening he snapped at my 12 yo and that was the final straw, I spent the nigh on the sofa and the next morning he asked if we could sort things out, I said 'no', he threatened suicide, took a load of pills from the cupboard, chucked his phone at me and stormed off. Whilst he was gone I checked his phone and found he had been arranging to meet at least 2 other woman, one he deffently met ( going by the messages ), the other he tried but she refused, he pestered these women when they no longer wanted anything to do with him, he continued messaging even when they wouldn't reply. So I chucked all his things outside including his phone.
After a while I was advised to report him missing due to him threatening suicide so I reported it to the police. The police turned up and questioned our relationship, one of the questions was about sexual abuse, I told them that he had sexually abused me several times, before I know it they are asking me if I'm want to press charges against him, at first I said 'no'. The next day they found him and he said he had taken pills so they took him straight to hospital, I was called and asked again if I wanted to press charges, I was advised to press charges to keep me and my DC safe as this would mean he would be arrested and spend the night in a police cell. He was released the next day but was not baled to any address. Since then he has sent 100's of texts, emails and whatsapp messages begging for me to take him back. The police now want to arrest him for harassment but because he wasn't bailed to a address they can not find him, so the harassement is ongoing.

I know reading that back that I should be pleased that he has gone, I know I can't continue a relationship that is abusive and causes me to be depressed. He totally brainwashed me, he made me feel like I was the most important thing, we did everything together, went everywhere together but there were times he made me unhappy and he would never admit that he was wrong, I was always made to feel I had caused the argument or the abuse, he brain washed me into thinking I needed him and he's still trying to do this.

I miss him, I miss having someone with me but the know I could never go back.

Because of the Christmas period it has been hard to get support from domestic violence teem or the mental health team, the police also seem to be slacking and they say they can not ping his phone to locate him ( they pinged his phone when he threatened suicide ). He's lying low somewhere, he has no money, hardly any friends and no family, the police have a description of him and have his car details and keep telling me they will find him soon and he will be arrested.

I have been told that the charges I have against him for sexual assault won't get to court as it will look like I am making it up due to him cheating ( revenge), so I have been through hell making detailed statements for nothing but I keep being told that I need to continue to protect me and my dc's, now he is also wanted for harassement I have been told once he's arrested I might want to drop the other charges as he wont be able to come near me due to the harassement charge.

So, I have been very stupid, my family had warned me from the start but I took no notice, I was head over heels in love despite what he was doing to me, despite the fact we argued a lot and I was depressed. I should have been stronger, I shouldn't have believed all his lies.

My heart is aching for him but at the same time I hate him, I hate him for making me feel like this, I hate him for taking advantage of my kind nature. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I feel scared to go out, I feel scared in my own home, last night was the longest night ever, every little noise scares me.

Sorry for the huge post, I hope it doesn't out me but TBH I don't really care , I just want this to end and for the hurt to stop.

Many thanks for posting

I am about to go to bed instead of wild NYE party. Will read in the morning.
Slerp well and speak in the new year.

Sweetheart you are NOT stupid.we all want to be loved,its s basic human need. He sensed you were a bit vulnerable and got his feet well and truly under the table before you had time to realise what was happening. We've all been there and you did nothing wrong.
You were brave And strong standing up for your kids and yourself.be proud of that. You are worth so much more my love,seriously.you don't need him back,you need to build on the respect fir yourself you found when you ended it with him.he's never going to make you feel loved,happy and respected(which is what you deserve)and you need ti stay strong and remember that when you are lonely or pining fir him.it will take time but you will get over him.I promise.x

Reading your PP,s I was begining to suspect you are blaming your situation on something you did. Seems I was not far off the mark.

As Zoo says, you were not stupid. I ratherthink you just made a bad decision. Of course the fact your family advised you not to do it now makes you feel stupid. But you are still here and have seen Christmas and new year through. You still have your children and somewhere to live... which is probably more than XH..

Perhaps time to eat some humble pie and tell your mum she was right.. . Of course mum will go off on one telling you you were stupid... Well she is your mum and has probably spent the last year in terror of how things may pan out badly... It's a mum thing that you will do when one of yours becomes a teenager and does sometning stupid and you are worried sick for them then go all shouty with relief when they roll up at six in the morning.

After she has got over the tantrum, ask her for sensible help. Because you really need it now. This episode has only taken a year or so, but you need to recover. You will need to plan for when, not if, XH turns up on your doorstep. Suggest you get the police on your side and have something in place, perhaps an emergency number you can phone at short notice so they can send someone round?

Separately, the days are drawing out and it is a new year. As Zoo also says, you can be proud you stood your ground and protected your children. You have more strenght than you think. You are a woman. Albeit a bit brused and battered but you still have a womans strength to succeed.

Trying to be positive today, I have got myself up, washed up and had a bath (I feel tired already), today I have to sort out the rest of his things as my mum has told me to pet everything at her house so he has no excuse to come here, I'm going to find this hard as it makes everything final ( even though I know there's no going back ). He's still in my head all the time, everything here reminds me of him but I know I can't run away from that and I have to face it, I have been unable to sleep in my bed since he left but I know eventually I will have too, the bedroom still smells of him. once the DC are back at school I think I will decorate the bedroom and make it mine again, until then I will share the sofa with the dog. I'm trying to take small steps but I hate feeling like this, the thought of still feeling like this in a months time feels me with dread, I can't Cary on being like this, it's not fair on my dc's.
I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday but hopefully the mental health team will be in touch before then to arrange to start talk therapy, I find it hard to talk as a big part of me just wants to push everything to the back of my head and forget about it because it hurts too much to deal with it. I was in a abusive relationship as a teen, it ended pretty badly, I never really talked about it as I felt it was my fault for stayed no with him, my family kind of pushed me into forgetting it had happened and moving on.

Am so pleased you gave made string positive steps(up and dressed)and making plans to redo your room and claim back your life.you can do it.and when you wobble (and we all do)mn is here to hand hold and keep you upright.x

Yay. Well done for getting up and getting a bath. Reading your story, I'm thinking, "wow, no wonder you are feeling so low after all of that!". Thinking it in an " oh no poor you" sort of way, not in a blaming sort of way.
Try and take things steadily one step at a time.

I'm wondering if your experiences with your abusive ex have triggered feelings from your teenage abuse too so you are having to deal with a double whammy there. Something to explore maybe when you get some counselling?

I think I had been in a downward spiral for a while , if we had stayed together I would still be on that downward spiral. It's deffently brought things up from my teenage abuse, I have had a number of rubbish relationships, I was married for 9 years and I kind of feel bad for chucking away what we had, it wasn't perfect but compared to other relationships it was good ( I think I just got bored ). my head is telling me that 'that's it' that I will never be in a happy relationship with someone who treats me right, maybe I just attract losers.

So I managed to go and get some food shopping, fed the kids at McDonald's drive through, felt so panicky in the supermarket, picked up all the wrong things but I managed to get bread and food for the dog so we should be ok for a few days. The dc's have now vanished upstairs and I'm on my own again, my heart is still racing from going out. When I'm out I'm on the look our for his car, panicked when I spotted a car like his in town and just wanted to go home. I haven't got to do much now, not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe I should be keeping busy.