Can't do this anymore :(

[Lovemusic33]

After a shit Christmas my mental health has plummeted do its darkest depth, I feel like I have nothing left to give, nothing to look forward too, no one to enjoy life with, I have two children who would be better off without me, my family have had enough of me being down and I can no longer talk to them ( they judge st tell me to pull myself together ), I have been taking sleeping tablets during the day to knock me out as I just can't cope with life. I have been to the doctor so many times and am on anti depressants, I have no life , when people ask me ' what are you doing tomorrow? 'All I can think is 'I don't want to be here tomorrow'. I feel like I have asked for help but there's nothing anyone can do.

Can you sit on the sofa..close all the curtains and put on a series or something?

Take it one hour at a time. I know its dhit right now. Youre lost in your own head but it will get better x

I have found ' Mathew Bournes, sleeping Beauty' on the TV, not usually my thing but the music is quite relaxing (I'm not really watching it, just listening ). Trying to take each hour as it comes, my dad will visit me later but he's meant to be helping fear out my ex's things which is making me feel stressed.

How are you now, love?

I'm ok, I have cleared out the rest of his stuff I'm trying to look ahead and plan small things to look forward too.

Hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep as I have done a few things to tire me out. I went to see my grandad quickly today, he reminds me how lucky I am as he is on his own most of the time and doesn't really have much to look forward too.

I still can't bring myself to spend a night in my bed, I can't even go in the room for more than a minute. I still have Christmas presents under the bed that he bought me, I can't bring myself to open them or even look at them. I'm still pretty angry and upset, I know things will get easier and I need to have more patience.

Well done for sorting out his stuff. That's a big step forward!

What Garti said..

Wel done you..

Thank you, I feel pretty rubbish again now, his stuff was towed to my dads house this morning and they messaged him to come and collect it, a message was sent back supposedly from someone else saying her was too ill to collect it but he would collect it for him. His friend collected the stuff and my dad followed him, just down the road my ex was waiting to be picked up by his friend. So even until the end he lied , I guess a part of me thought he was ill and pining for me, I wanted him to be feeling as ill as I am.
I have been out for the day with my daughters but felt panicky after a hour or so, I'm now home and feeling pretty shit

If he was lying until the very end, it goes to show you have done the right thing getting him out your life..

The rest will be easy by comparison to the huge steps you have made over the past week. OK it will get tough at some point, but when it does, look at yourself in the mirror and remember you had the strength to do what was right. And in your heart, you know it was right.

I know I deserve better, I just can't stop thinking about him. Today I was listening to music in my car and remembering all the times where I had driven off in my car crying because of him, how many times he had made me feel like shit ( it's was quite often ), I want to move on, I don't want to love him, I hate what he has done but I miss him.

I have been speaking to the Samaritans online, hopefully mental health team will contact me tomorrow and then back to GP on Thursday. I don't think any med's are going to make me feel better, my main problem is I hate being on my own, I feel so lonely, I don't have many friends and the friends I do have don't seem bothered about staying in contact ( I have to do all the arranging of things and I feel like I'm forcing them to meet up with me ).

My dad just called to say my ex had messaged him and not all of his things were there when he collected them, my dad wanted me to go and look for the missing things, I got angry with him because I don't feel up to trawling through everything looking for a screw driver etc.., it took everything I had to sort the other stuff out, I even got the presents out from under the bed that he had bought me and bagged them up. So after a good start to today I feel crap again. My family mean well but I'm trying so hard just to get up in the mornings and finding reason to be here, my whole family were waiting at my dads house incase he turned up in person to collect his things but one of them are here trying to help me feel better.

You are genuinely doing so well.
You know what's best even if it doesn't feel good right now and you will follow it through

On the friend front are there any support groups people depression near where you live? I just ask as I have little social contact and have found one near me to attend.I just need build courage to go!!

Remember your dad means well.he wants it to be all over cleanly and I doubt he even realised how exhausting it can be to do simplest of task,let alone bag up your ex things.keep posting when you need to.glad go go Tom and hope mental health team goes well too

My anxiety has been really high tonight, shaky and jumping at every sound, I have just had a call from the police to say they have found ex and arrested him so he will be sleeping in a cell again tonight. I feel a little less anxious now.

Each step one at a time...
do it a few times and you hafe walked a mile.

He's up in court this morning ( probably already done and dusted ), he will have a restraining order and probably a smack on the wrist.

I'm still in my pj's today, I will try and venture out later, just waiting for the police to call with details of his restraining order conditions.