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Mental health

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Original poster

Remebering sexual abuse...

51 replies

abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 00:17

I'm confused...

I have started counselling sessions to help combat my depression and sort out several things that are bothering me, one of which is the memory of being abused. We began talking about this is in my session today and I feel really unsettled. We didn't go into any detail but the counselor asked what had happened, how I felt about it at the time, how I felt about it now etc.

The thing is that I'm not sure I can really remember what happened. I have some vivid memories of particular incidents, none of which were particularly terrible. I'm lucky in that I was never raped and suddenly, talking about the things I do remember has made me feel like I have no right to be upset. Nothing really awful happened to me. At least, I don't think it did. I have vague memories of other incidents but am not sure if they really happened or if they are a figment of my imagination. And when asked about the frequency of the abuse, I thought it was all the time - every week if not every day, but now I don't believe that. Surely that can't be right? Maybe it was just a few times and it feels like it was more often..?

I think I'm just having difficulty verbalising what happpened and, when I think about it, I don't have any strong feelings. It was just something that happened, and I accpeted it. For a long time, it didn't occur to me that it was something that shouldn't happen.

I just wish I was able to express myself clearly and recall things properly. I am beginning to doubt myself and I feel horrible.

I don't know what to do...

I just feel sad, empty and very very sick.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 07/02/2007 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:27

HATT yes unfortunately in some ways that is the worst thing that has happened. I feel very lonely having come from a large extended family and I have 2 sisters etc to now only having DHs parents[he is an only child and his mum was only child and his dad has one brother who is old etc etc] I think it puts a lot of strain on us as a family and we havent even had to look at when DS and DDs bring up the uncomfortable questions about why we dont have extended family etc. It made things difficult even in terms of going in to have the DDs etc. You always think you will have family to call on so when it is taken away at your lowest ebb it is hard.

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:29

I have found that recently i feel sorry for a girl - THAT girl who WAS me but is not now....does that make any sense?

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:36

HATT can sor tof understand that I find I feel sorry for anyone who has been through anything even slightly abusive, if I was looking at someone else who had gone through my life then I would feel more sympathy for them than I do for myself. A lot of my depression etc is because of what has happened now/since more so than what happened as a child. It was only when psychologist said to me if you as a child was sitting there what would you say/do that I semi realised that OMG it was me and it was ok for me to feel the way I did/do, probably rambling and not making sense here..great for a former mental health worker..lol

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:36

Nemo you are so strong - i do know what its like... Its difficult and i find that i feel an outsider in my own family. Almost as if i have perpetrated the offence instead of him. The family shunning me is in effect protecting him. Its all so bloody wrong

foxinsocks · 07/02/2007 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:43

FIS yes the attitudes of others is difficult, particularly if you have played a certain role in an occupation. When I was first refered to CMHT I was sent a social worker who basically told me I was a crackpot as how could I have worked in MH etc when I so obviosuly was not switched on and generally messed up inside. I couldnt believe that was her attitude she also told me my son was at great risk due to my lack of role models. The one thing I would never do is anything to hurt my children so I dont know who she thought she was to pass such comments. Was lucky in the fact that DH was present and basically complained so we didnt see her again.

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:46

Hatt yes I have that feeling too..why are they protecting someone capable of something so vile while they shun me and my family. Answer is its easier than dealing with me and what was going on. He carries on as usual in his role after years of experience of 'playing' his character while all of a sudden in my life I was changing the script. What I was/am offering means other people accepting some responsibility for things and having to deal with their own guilt head on. Why would they do that when they can effectively shut me in the cupboard with the other skeletons.

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:49

omg nemo
I have never heard that lack of role models thing

I would take issue if anyone dared to talk that trash to me. I learned the hard way how to mother children
Do as you were NOT done unto

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 20:52

nemo - dont want to burden you with new dd and all...
In my life the police are in the process of talking to my 'family'
I have very little faith....that hurts

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 07/02/2007 20:58

Want to send you all virtual hugs and feel so bad and that you have been put through any of this stuff and you still have to suffer all these years later.

Wishing, hoping and praying that counselling will help you all put it away into a place where it can't hurt you anymore.

Nemo2007 · 07/02/2007 20:59

HATT honestly burden away it actually helps me to talk to others. Probably why I went into career I did.

Original poster

abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 21:09

I will email you all a bit later

I am beginning to wonder if this is something that we can ever be at peace with. Do you think we will ever be able to go through our lives without it haunting us? I have a dreadful feeling that it will always be like this. And then, as Nemo mentioned, there is explaining this to our DC... I just get the feeling that this won't ever get any easier.

OP posts:

chocolatekimmy · 07/02/2007 21:14

I was a counsellor for a rape crisis centre some years ago and believe me, it can take a long time to go through the process. It needs to be done gradually, with someone you trust implicitly. It will be tough and emotional but hopefully you will feel stronger as time goes on.

You won't be expected to express yourself clearly and recall things just like that so try not to put too much pressure on yourself or beat yourself up over it.

Good that you are dealing with it, I hope you find it gets easier with each session

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 21:23

abitmessedup. We will obviously never be free of it but i have to hope we can find some peace

I have felt better since reporting my abuser..it was the first step towards me believing in myslef again. Being the person i once sould have been

I have felt an inner strength

wummin · 07/02/2007 22:29

Being a survivor and dealing with your pain is the bravest thing you will ever do.. chilbirth and motherhood opened a can of worms for me I thought I could never ever contain again and with a lot of courage Im starting. Healing and light has come for me with the love of my baby but my biggest fear is that the same could happen to her.. I had a lot of rage and anger but now I know I have a strength thats untouchable and will get me through anything...I respect and admire all who participate in this discussion and felt inspired to make a contribution.. Love light and courage to you all! xxx

hunkeydorey · 07/02/2007 22:38

I'm not very good at commenting on these sort of threads, or at handing out advice really, but I did want to post.

I was abused as a child, like you I was never raped, but I was regularly groped I suppose. At the time I was very confused about it, I hated it, but I liked the attention and I hate to say this, but sometimes it felt nice. Eventually I told my parents and I spent a long time, crying every night and feeling totally screwed up.

Nowadays, I very rarely think about it. If I do, I try and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that I've no reason to feel bad. Over the years I have had relationship problems, my ex partner used to regularly tell me I was mental and on one occasion that I had probably asked for it. I really don't think it was the abuse that made me like this though, I think I am more a poor judge of character and I'm attracted to people who will hurt me.

I'm pretty sure none of that is relevant to you and I'm not sure why I bored you with it really. I'm pretty sure though that if you're going to discuss this with your counsellor it's obviously going to bring up all sorts of feelings, if she is any good though, you should be able to work through them in the coming weeks.

Big hug and a kiss for you.

Havingatoughtime · 07/02/2007 22:41

hunkydorey and wummin thankyou for your input. Personally i am never bored by other peoples experiences they make me feel more human. Not alone

losty · 07/02/2007 23:30

big hugs to abitmessesup and all th others on this thread who have suffered similar terrible traumas.

abitmessedup - what you are feeling it totally normal. Freud could explain it to you. I am afraid I cannot, but having seen a counsellor who used Freudien methods and I can vouche for it. It is all about our conscious and subconscious thoughts. And repressing the bad things that happen. Talk to your counsellor about this. there are 'ways' to make you remember things and 'deal' with them and move on.

Oh dear I ahvent explained that very well. I hope someone comes along and explains it all better. But all I wanted to try to say was, what you are feeling is perfectly normal considering everyhing in your past. I was in your position a year ago. I have since 'dealt' (I hate that word but there is no other for it) with so much of the trauma in my past. [still more to do but i needed a break]

Massive massive hugs and empahty from me. keep posting

MamaMaiasaura · 07/02/2007 23:39

JUst wanted to offer support here too. A book called 'beginning to heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis given to me by my mum helped.

I do understand a bit of how you are feeling. I wont go into to much detail suffice to say that when I was suffering post-natal depression things came up that I never knew were there. I still question my memories as the person who is thought to have been the perpurtrator died 16 years ago. It can feel unreal and dream like and snatches of memeories. THey are memmries tho for the perspective of a child (in my case around 4 - 6 years old, although cannot be certain). I felt a complete fraud feeling so upset by it as for me as well it wasnt intercourse as far as i can recall and it wasnt often. I received counselling for several years and although I never did fully explore the past, I didnt feel I needed to as I wanted to look forward iykwim

Anyway, you arent a fraud and you totally deserve any support and help you can get because at the end of the day you are the victim and often being a parent yourself and looking after children can re-surface memories that have laid hidden

take care and thinking of you xx

Original poster

abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 23:39

Wummin & Hunkeydorey, I really wanted to say the same as HATT. It's never boring to hear someone else's story. It helps to hear other perspectives and I really appreciate the time and effort you went to. Thank you for sharing.

And losty, I think you explained it quite well. I will ask about it at my next session.

Thank you all so much x

OP posts:

Original poster

abitmessedup · 07/02/2007 23:59

And awen too, thank you.

OP posts:

babybuttercup · 08/02/2007 06:58

Im so sorry you are feeling like this abitmessed up, you know i understand what you are feeling and going through. I dont realy have any advice as i havent learnt how to deal with it myself! Just keep posting and im sure you will get lots more help, advice and support from others. Feel free to email me as just writing down my thoughts and feelings sometimes helps, i wish i could be of more support to you {{{hugs}}}

Quootie - im doing ok, just keeping busy (am on night shifts at the moment - which is why i havent been around for a while) How are you? X x x

PosySimmonds · 18/04/2007 10:49

how are you ABMU??
thinking of you if you are still around?

NotanOtter · 19/04/2007 21:18

abitmessedup are you around?

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