Awake again at 3am, feel completely alone

[Missingme]

I have a beautiful 8-month old girl. She is a precious, much-wanted baby. But I am a mess and I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been waking up at around 3/4am for ages now, negative feelings going round and round in my head, unable to go to sleep and eventually just coming downstairs and crying. I have been depressed before but with an amazing GP and ADs I got it under control and had started to live again. Then me and my partner got back together, got married and had our dd, and now the tears and anger and frustration are all coming back. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to any of my friends, I don't want to upset my parents because they were so worried last time, and my dh tries but can't really understand the emotions involved as he doesn't do emotion. I feel desperate. I don't want my dd to grow up with a depressed mother, and I miss the fun, lively, optimistic and energetic person I used to be. I feel completely alone with this, can't tell a soul.

By the way Swoosh, I've re-read your other posting, and you are incredibly supportive to other people too. You probably don't realise it, but there's someone really lovely lurking inside the unhappiness. Otherwise how could you show concern for others?

That sounded a bit confusing - I meant you couldn't show concern for others if you were totally lost! So that means you're going to be ok!

I don't know how anyone can stand being home with a baby all the time.
"the long long days not using my brain and feeling guilty for not loving every minute of my dd,"

Why not just go back to work? That might help if you aren't at work that is.
Also try diet which can help with depression (as well as ADs and therapy if you need it).

Hi missingme - glad to hear that you're doing ok. I'm less good today but am getting through.

Xenia, you are obviously an intelligent, articulate woman and I usually respect your postings however, I think you really don't understand that life is very different for some people and what you said ruffled my feathers...

It isn't as simple as "just go back to work". If it were, we would surely have done that. For some of us we chose to stay home but find it a big adjustment. Not that we don;t enjoy most of it but that it isn't easy being home all day with a baby. Some of us cannot work, in my case, for legal reasons. I don't want to go into details here but if it were simply a case of being able to work, I would.

Can you be more specific about the diet you mentioned? Is there something in particular that might help?

Really sorry you're not doing so well today, I thought you were sounding a lot more positive.

Going back to work isn't always that simple. I think we're made to feel a lot of guilt whatever we do. Sometimes it's just not an option because child care is so expensive. Sometimes it's a choice not to go back to work, sometimes like in Swoosh's case you're caught by the system. I think though it is important to try and do something for you to keep your brain alive, even if it's just for one evening or one day a week. Swoosh, is there any way you could do something like that, just to remind you that you are someone as well as a (wonderful) mum? I go to yoga on a Wednesday night now, and have joined a book group(I know you're not in an easy position).

Hi has anyone investigated homeopathic remedies? They are safe whilst breast feeding.
If not breast feeding then you might find St Johns Wort helpful, the tincture form is best and its available from boots as well as other places. Can take a few weeks to work, I've used it for depression and PND and found it really useful - best wishes