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Mental health

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Original poster

Husband in meltdown

29 replies

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 13:36

Not having a very good month. We have an approaching 2 year old boy, and I am very keen for another baby. In fact we have been trying for a year, but not happened yet. But DH finds the parenting thing all very difficult, and said just before Xmas he doesn't like looking after DS at all, and that he really doesn't want another one. This is a bit of a problem, after all you can't really compromise on whether to have another baby or not. Am giving DH plenty of space with the childcare - although to be honest he did bugger all already - and kind of ignoring the contraception thing, and secretly keeping my fingers crossed. I know this is wrong and we should talk about it, but we have such opposed points of view, I don't see how we can reconcile it. Otherwise, things are fine, we get on well - apart from the usual tiredness which makes us snappy. Sorry for the rant, just don't really know what to do at the moment.

OP posts:

Zog · 25/01/2007 13:41

I'm sorry but I don't really see how you "accidentally" getting pregnant is going to help your situation? If your DH is really struggling with the reality of fatherhood, surely that needs addressing rather than adding to? Can you try some sessions of counselling together? Possibly having an independent 3rd party involved might break the deadlock.

What is it your DH is finding so difficult?

littlemissbossy · 25/01/2007 13:45

Don't get pregnant for starters!
You being pregnant won't help the situation at all will it? sorry if that sounds harsh but zog's right your DH needs help not another child.

lulumama · 25/01/2007 13:51

agree....falling pregnant now will make the situation much worse

helping DH to talk about why he is struggling and not enjoying his son is more important

toddlers can be really hard work, very demanding and tiring, and the thought of a new baby on top of that, is a hard one for some.

parenting classes and talking are the way to look at resolving this

if you force his hand be becoming pregnant, he will find it hard to trust you again.....

honest communication is the way forward

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 13:52

He finds DS irritating and boring. Not helped by the fact that DS is getting in to that 2 year old stage frustration where he lies down and cries if things don't go his way, and DH just can't handle it. I really do know that accidentally getting pregnant is not a good idea, but find it so annoying that DH has decided this after we've already been trying for a year - and have the feeling 'if I was pregnant already we wouldn't be in this situation' so there is a lot of my frustration with myself for not being pregnant contributing to this situation. DH does NOT want to go to counselling at all. I think we need to go on talking to each other and making time for each other. I probably need to start coming to terms with the fact I might only have one baby - which is going to be tough - and not blaming DH!

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 25/01/2007 13:54

You may (or may not) find that your dh enjoys being with your ds when the baby stage is well over and he can do more with him. I think this is true for many men. The last thing he needs now is another little one on the horizon. Sorry to sound harsh, but if you are looking to be on your own with two very young children to look after you are going the right way about it.

Why not wait, help him through this and see if things get better? More positive experience of fatherhood is the only thinkg that will make him more likely to want another child.

IMO deceiving your husband over an issue as big as this is just not on. How would you feel if you were him?

lulumama · 25/01/2007 13:55

you might find that after this stage, when DS is 3 or so, that things change ,and he finds parenthood more enjoyable

they are not babies and toddlers for long !! my DS is 7 and it has flown by! some people don;t enjoy the baby stage. so it is horses for courses..

you must be honest though, with him and yourself, if you know you want more children, it cannot be ignored either...

doggiesayswoof · 25/01/2007 13:56

"there is a lot of my frustration with myself for not being pregnant contributing to this situation"

If I were in your shoes I would be really glad I was not pregnant. Imagine you were, and your dh dropped the bombshell that he didn't want it. Nightmare scenario - far worse than your situation now.

Aloha · 25/01/2007 13:58

she isn't deceiving him! it takes two to have sex and he KNOWS she isn't using contraception.

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:02

I'm not actively deceiving him by saying I'm on the pill when I'm not - he's not taking responsibility for contraception either...
I agree, I think he will be happier when the baby stage is over.

Just feel so depressed though. This is the first time DH and I have ever been opposed on something and I don't like it. And I just feel soooo sad that resolving this with him means not having another baby.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 25/01/2007 14:03

why doesn't he want another one if you're doing all the childcaring anyway?

is he missing something in his relationship with you?

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:06

In a way, if I was pregnant now i feel like at least I would have everything I want so I wouldn't have to deal with my own frustrations, and could focus on supporting DH, and helping him through it. At the moment, I feel quite resentful of him.

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doggiesayswoof · 25/01/2007 14:08

rebeccaw I apologise for the comment about deceiving him - I didn't realise that he knew you weren't using contraception.

TBH I find it pretty unbelievable that he's so adamant that he doesn't want more children and yet he knows you may get pregnant!! He does need to take some responsibility. If I was hating parenthood that much, I think I would want to make 100% sure there would be no little accidents.

Do you think there's no chance of him changing his mind on this one?

lulumama · 25/01/2007 14:09

you are telling him you are on the pill..but you aren;t ! so how can he take responsibility, when he thinks it is being taken care of ?

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:09

Foxinsocks, I think he really 'misses' me in that we really lived in each others pockets before we had a baby, and did everything together. Now, because he doesn't like spending time with DS, we don't see much of each other at weekends because I'm off at park/zoo/swimming pool, and in the evenings am quite tired. We do get babysitters/grandparents every 3 weeks or so, so we do get out together, but aren't spending the same day in/day out time together.

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 25/01/2007 14:10

no lulumama she is not telling him she is on the pill - that was my mistake too

lulumama · 25/01/2007 14:11

"I'm not actively deceiving him by saying I'm on the pill when I'm not - he's not taking responsibility for contraception either..."

that bit confused me then !

foxinsocks · 25/01/2007 14:14

just sounds odd that's all - if it was really not being able to manage ds, why isn't he going to the zoo with you and ds because surely, when you're there, you are handling ds (iyswim)?

what does he do when you're out with ds on the weekend?

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:17

At the weekends he tends to just hang around the house; does some stuff on his computer, a bit of light housework. Nothing that great. I have wondered whether he is actually properly clinically depressed, and have been trying to encourage him to get out and do something he enjoys rather than moping around wishing that we didn't have a child taking up all my time.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 25/01/2007 14:20

I'm not surprised you're resentful btw.

Think I'd be taking one of two stances depending on what he's like (can't really tell from your posts).

One - I'd make dh spend more time with ds, both with you (on outings) and on his own (in the park e.g.). 2 is a bloody difficult age (I found) and yes, they have tantrums, but give him choc buttons/raisins/whatever you use for effective distraction from tantrums and send them out. By not spending time with ds, he's probably making it worse because then ds is acting up to get his attention when he's with him.

Two - I'd be asking questions about what is up with him - serious talk type questions. What more does he want from life that he's not getting that's making him so miserable and is it possible that this is something more than just plain not coping (like depression)?

foxinsocks · 25/01/2007 14:21

x-posted there

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:22

I think maybe I should get back on the pill because it might take some of the aggro out of the situation and help us both get some proper perspective to talk from, then maybe in a year or so, we can revisit the possibility.
Seems a long time to wait right now
But it probably means we can relax a bit more together, which to be honest would help.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 25/01/2007 14:26

Can you persuade him to start getting out of the house - seeing friends, doing some exercise - all that sort of thing will help improve his mood?

Don't give up hope of having another one. If you think it's depression and you can have a chat with him and perhaps persuade him to see the GP, it may be that once you both know what you're facing, things will start to improve quite quickly. Don't let him lose his bond with ds though - I would still be tempted to try and persuade him to come out on (non-pressured) outings like to the swings or walks.

Zog · 25/01/2007 14:26

I think that would really help - he would feel you're taking him seriously and in return, you could insist he makes the effort to spend more one-to-one time with DS and also as a family (whilst keeping up the time you spend together as a couple).

Obviously, if he's clinically depressed, that's a whole different ballgame and one on which I'm not qualified to give advice.

Original poster

rebeccaw · 25/01/2007 14:26

foxinsocks, I think you've hit it spot on. Got my mother-in-law over this weekend for some babysitting, so hopefully we'll get the opportunity to have a really good talk, and he/we can move forward.

OP posts:

Zog · 25/01/2007 14:28

Have to say, having just reread your posts, it sounds like he's really struggling with not having you all to himself and not being top of your list of priorities. There's not an awful lot else going on in his life - he just seems to be marking time in between your bouts of attention IYKWIM. Do you think that's fair?

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