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Mental health

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Original poster

Its so relentless

41 replies

howcanikeepdoingthis · 08/02/2016 02:11

Just been discharged from 10 day stay on psych ward. Its 2am and one of my babies won't sleep. I'm so fucking tired and my thoughts are really awful. This is just too hard. I need to give up.

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 08/02/2016 02:28

You poor thing. I have no expertise or experience, but I just want you to know that I'm here, sincerely wishing you well, and hoping that things will improve for you. I hope you and your baby manage to get some sleep. Things will seem better in the morning.

Broken1Girl · 08/02/2016 02:48

It can be so relentless, can't it? I know the feeling

kiwikaterpillar · 08/02/2016 04:35

Sorry you are feeling this way howcan. I don't have any words of wisdom as I'm struggling myself but please hang in there. Is there anyone you can speak to in RL? Did the ward leave you a number to call? Thinking of you.

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 08/02/2016 07:43

Thank you so much. I'm so tired of battling, nothing has changed from being in hospital. I don't know what to do.

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pippistrelle · 08/02/2016 09:00

Hello again, howcani.

Do you have some sort of community practitioner you can contact? Or real life support to help you work out what to do? As I said above, I don't know much about this stuff, but I do know that - for me - when I don't know what to do, quite often the answer is 'do nothing'. Feed your babies/children - yourself too, if you can - but other stuff can wait.

Mostly, I just wanted you to know you're on my mind this morning and I'm sending you every good wish.

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 08/02/2016 10:44

Thank you so much. I do have appointments with various practitioners this week. I'm just not optimistic they can help. I have 3 children under 2 1/2 including twins and the practicalities of providing what they need feels impossible at the best of times. I think I reached the end of what I can cope with.

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pippistrelle · 08/02/2016 11:31

That's a lot to deal with - all-consuming: no wonder you feel exhausted. I hope you have some practical support available, and I hope your appointments lead to some light at the end of the tunnel. There is light there: it's just there's a bit of a landslide in the way: your appointments are the diggers working to shift the landslide, bit by bit.

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 08/02/2016 23:16

I have a lovely psychiatrist and a care coordinator who really cares about me but its like my mind is at war with myself. No amount of support seems to help. I'm plagued with suicidal thoughts again tonight. I don't want to destroy my beautiful children's lives but I feel so desperate.

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NanaNina · 09/02/2016 00:11

Sounds like you are suffering from severe depression of some sort - if so I know the torment of that mental illness, but having to cope with 3 children under 2.5 is just too much. Is there anyone who can help with the children. Glad you have a lovely psychiatrist and care co-ordinator but is there anyone to help practically - DH/DP - relatives or friends. Could the 2.5 one go to nursery? Do meds help - they don't help me much - have just had 2 days of hell and my kids are grown and I'm a grandparent - you must get some help from somewhere - who looked after the DC when you were in hospital. So sorry you are feeling so crap - it's not possible to describe to anyone how bad mental illness is..........

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 09/02/2016 06:40

My husband is exhausted and has been a bit useless since I got out. My in laws have the little ones while we are both at work and had them when I was in hospital. Its all too much, I cant take it anymore.

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pippistrelle · 09/02/2016 08:12

Sounds like you have at least two great professionals in your camp. That's terrific news. Just focus on your next appointment with one or other of them: you don't need to do anything else (other than the bare minimum when it comes to seeing to your children's needs).

I'm sure your husband doesn't mean to be useless but perhaps he just doesn't have the wherewithal to be of more use at the moment. But could he at least explore if your in-laws could carry on helping with the children so you get a chance to rest?

I'm really pleased to hear you recognise how important you are to your children: it strikes me as a really vital thing to know - a piece of knowledge that will help you move forward.

WanderingTrolley1 · 14/02/2016 03:35

How's your week been, OP?

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 14/02/2016 11:56

I'm surviving and my kids are all doing great, thank you. Beyond that I'm not sure. Been referred to a dietician and a psychologist and started new meds. Id be a fool to turn down any help but Ive been through all this before and it just feels hopeless. My thoughts are still dark and tormenting me.

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Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 16:26

Feeling desperately suicidal this afternoon. I can't see another way.

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Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 16:51

I know this will get deleted if I share too much but I don't know what to do. I cant take anymore of myself.

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AFingerofFudge · 15/02/2016 17:00

Are you at work or at home? Is there anyone around to get you through the next hour or so?

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 17:14

I'm at home. I've spoiled everyone's day. My husband is sick of me. My kids are frustrated by lack of my attention. My head is just racing, I am planning on acting in to this tonight. Everyone will be relieved.

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AFingerofFudge · 15/02/2016 17:22

Your DH is probably worried sick, not sick of you! Yes he's probably sick of the illness but that's very different to being sick of you! And the little ones need their mummy to be there for them, they won't be frustrated at this age, they'll just want to have you there.
Is there anyone you can call tonight ?

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 17:28

If I thought that anyone could help I would call. The crisis team are worse than useless. They said to me, 'if you were going to kill yourself you would have by now' and that was years ago. They give me no hope.

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Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 17:29

I want to die.

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AFingerofFudge · 15/02/2016 18:59

I'm sorry I'm not on here more this evening, and now just going out again but I really hope you find a little glimmer of hope this evening in some form or other

1234hello · 15/02/2016 21:29

Are you there OP?

Just wanted to say, even though it is nearly impossible for you to believe at the moment, your thoughts are not reflective of reality/the truth...depression is a LIAR and makes you think the world would be better without you, but honestly, honestly honestly, it would definitely be better if you stay!

Please ring the Samaritans on 116 123.

Original poster

howcanikeepdoingthis · 15/02/2016 21:34

I'm a horrible person and my low mood is sucking the life from others too.

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Shannith · 15/02/2016 21:48

I have been there. Please call anyone. The Samaritons got me through some really shit days and nights. They don't judge, they listen.

Thornrose · 15/02/2016 21:56

I'm supporting someone through depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. At no point have I seen them as a horrible person, because they're not, you're not!

It can be draining and upsetting and terrifying but don't assume it's sucking the life of your loved ones. It makes me more determined to stay alive and keep the other person safe and alive.

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