Its so relentless

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Just been discharged from 10 day stay on psych ward. Its 2am and one of my babies won't sleep. I'm so fucking tired and my thoughts are really awful. This is just too hard. I need to give up.

[1234hello]

You're not being pathetic, your feelings are your feelings. And, when I was suffering badly with MH troubles I would have felt exactly the same. (I probably wouldn't have got as fat as being grateful for the relationship with nana, so that shows you can see the bright side in things).

With a more well head on, I would not over-analyse it and place so much importance on a card and not let it get to me. You will always be his mum.

How has your day been?

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

My son has brought I beautiful hand made card home for mothers day but its for his nana. Am I being pathetic in worrying that this reflects how he feels. I was only in hospital just over a week but I wonder if I have been unavailable emotionally to him. He has always been very close to his nana and rationally I am happy that he has this special bond. I just feel sad, I love him so much and hope he knows it.

[Butwhyohwhy]

Good luck with the presentation!

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Giving a presentation today on recovery, feels bizarre as I am so utterly hopeless. Brave face and lots of smiles I guess.

[dangermouseisace]

if you were going to kill yourself you would have by now do some people even realise the impact that sort of comment has on a person —and that often said person is still existing only by chance—

How are you now OP? I really hope you're getting support x

[1234hello]

Thats good news. Thanks for posting. Hang in there.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Thanks 1234. I'm holding it together just about. Feel well supported by my family.

[1234hello]

How has the last week been for you OP?

I think Pippi made a good point in that when you have the odd slightly better day or hour then that illustrates how things can change. Indeed things are constantly changing and so the turmoil you are feeling at times at the moment will not be there forever.

I understand and agree with the comments about suicide, I have been close to it myself. However, I did cling to the saying that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That helped me to not act on the feelings.

Anyway, I really hope the glimmers of hope are getting brighter for you.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Sorry, that became a bit ranty, I didn't mean it to.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your best friend to suicide, that must have have been unimaginably difficult. Do you have any help with your anxiety? Thank you for sharing on my thread, it is so helpful for me to talk about it.

I am really pleased they interviewed someone who had survived an attempt as often when suicide is talked about it is inevitably from the viewpoint of those left behind. I can understand how people think its selfish but the truth is, in my experience, very different. I'm scared of death in a normal human way and I'm also well aware of the devastation I would cause if I were to go though with it. However my mind takes me there daily at the moment because the alternative of continuing to live with this level of pain and torture seems to much to bear. I have worked really hard on recovery, taken meds, had endless therapy, looked at diet, exercise, social aspects, read everything I can find on my condition, spent time as an inpatient even my job now is in this field yet I am still at war with myself. Suicide would not be a rash easy way out, it will happen if I just cant take this anymore.

[Bastardshittits]

I watched that program too. I lost my best friend to suicide and I thought it was one of the best programmes I had watched on the subject. I struggle with anxiety and I can relate to the 'relentless' feeling you mention.

How are you this morning?

[pippistrelle]

You don't sound toxic to me. I don't want to say anything that might put pressure on you, but your children need you.

I was glad to hear that you had a better day, and I hope that you can see in that an indication that you won't always feel bad. That programme doesn't sound like the best viewing but we seem to be unable to resist picking at scabs, whether mental or physical. Normal human behaviour though.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Found the Life after suicide programme extremely tough viewing. Fuck knows why I watched it. I feel a real dichotomy between thinking my children would be better off without my toxicity to thinking my death would ruin their beautiful little lives.

[1234hello]

Brilliant, so glad to hear your day has been better. And that's a good phrase to use...."build on that". Well done you.

Can you do something to treat yourself once the kids asleep? , candle, bath, paint your nails, trashy magazine or something? Even if you don't feel like it, sometimes it's worth forcing yourself to do something for yourself as invariably you rarely feel worse for having done it and may come into that category of "building on it"?

Hang in there.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Had a better day. Trying to build on that. Hate this time of day though. Once kids are asleep I feel so desperate.

[1234hello]

Keep talking here OP if it helps.

You're not a horrible person...that is the illness making you think like that. And it is such a horrid illness.

Sorry, I'm knackered and not much use myself but please keep yourself safe.

[Thornrose]

I'm supporting someone through depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. At no point have I seen them as a horrible person, because they're not, you're not!

It can be draining and upsetting and terrifying but don't assume it's sucking the life of your loved ones. It makes me more determined to stay alive and keep the other person safe and alive.

[Shannith]

I have been there. Please call anyone. The Samaritons got me through some really shit days and nights. They don't judge, they listen.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I'm a horrible person and my low mood is sucking the life from others too.

[1234hello]

Are you there OP?

Just wanted to say, even though it is nearly impossible for you to believe at the moment, your thoughts are not reflective of reality/the truth...depression is a LIAR and makes you think the world would be better without you, but honestly, honestly honestly, it would definitely be better if you stay!

Please ring the Samaritans on 116 123.

[AFingerofFudge]

I'm sorry I'm not on here more this evening, and now just going out again but I really hope you find a little glimmer of hope this evening in some form or other

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I want to die.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

If I thought that anyone could help I would call. The crisis team are worse than useless. They said to me, 'if you were going to kill yourself you would have by now' and that was years ago. They give me no hope.

[AFingerofFudge]

Your DH is probably worried sick, not sick of you! Yes he's probably sick of the illness but that's very different to being sick of you! And the little ones need their mummy to be there for them, they won't be frustrated at this age, they'll just want to have you there.
Is there anyone you can call tonight ?

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

I'm at home. I've spoiled everyone's day. My husband is sick of me. My kids are frustrated by lack of my attention. My head is just racing, I am planning on acting in to this tonight. Everyone will be relieved.