I don't know what to do

[Criminy]

I really feel like I want to just end it. I'm 99% sure DH wants me to too.
I'm wavering over leaving my kids, & messing them up.

I don't know what to do.

I am fairly safe at home with DH & DC at moment. The compulsion to "go to the supermarket" is overwhelming.

Bumping on the off-chance

Are you safe at the minute Criminy? here with a hand hold for you. I'm sure someone with better advice than me will be along any second but please stay on here and talk or phone the Samaritans.

I'm downstairs with DC (5 & 3) at the moment. They told me DH has gone up to bed because he's not feeling very well. I'm trying to hold back tears so I don't scare them. I can't cope.

Sorry, should have said thankyou for replying

Ok, you are coping. You've got yourself and your kids into a safe space and you're reaching for help, so that's what coping looks like right now. You are strong. Has something happened today? You say your DH has gone to bed? Is that part of it?

DH seems mad with me. I'm not sure why. Possibly because I've not been very well again recently. It's DD's birthday party tomorrow and I'm supposed to be tidying the house and going shopping. I'm struggling to do anything at all. All he's said to me today is 1) I was dozing on the sofa and he angrily said/shouted "aren't we having that thing tomorrow then?" Then a bit later he looked up from his tablet and said "well we need to either increase our income by about £1000 or decrease our spenditure by that every month because the situation at the moment is unsustainable."

My mum called a little while ago, confirming that she'd done DD's cake and when she was coming tomorrow. DH came into the room and after I got off the phone asked me who it was etc. He said he didn't know my mum was coming tomorrow. That's the last I saw of him.

Went up to see DH, he's either asleep or pretending to be asleep. I can't stand this much longer.

can you wake him up and explain that you need some support right now? Is there someone you could maybe phone to come and sit with you? Feeling this bad and looking after 2 such young DCs is hard going!

He's never provided any support in the past so I doubt he will now.

I've just shouted at DC They keep fighting with each other and making a mess.

Oh love so sorry you're feeling so crap - is it depression? I know the torment of severe depression and the way it drains the life from you. DH sounds like he might be part of the problem - I gather he doesn't understand mental illness.

Please put ending your life out of your head - you have young children who need you and there will be brighter times ahead though I know it's difficult to believe that when you're so low. Have you got a good GP - are you on meds?

Glad your mother will be with you tomorrow.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice to be honest.

Can you focus on getting through the party tomorrow - who is coming? how old is your DD?

I was diagnosed with Borderline PD earlier in the year, while I was an inpatient at a mental health unit due to being suicidal. I'm not convinced about that diagnosis though. It means I can't access any type of support though.

My GP is good. I'm on meds (amitriptyline and clomipramine) , but not convinced they do anything. I spoke to my GP on Wed, told him I was feeling bad, he put me back on quetiapine, which I hate anyway. But I'm taking it or they'll say that I'm refusing to engage. I feel so much worse now though.

I've shut myself in the downstairs loo and I can't stop crying.

Crim. Maybe just concentrate on the party stuff. Not essential that the house is pristine. Does sound like DH is part of the problem. When I stopped living with mine (similarly unsupportive) my MH got a whole lot better. One step at a time though?

With DH I seem to swing between loving him and hating him.

I thought things were going much better, but ive slowly slid downhill again and I can't take it.

DD just turned 3. There's just a few close friends and their DC coming tomorrow, plus my mum and sister.

Ok, so they're not going to be expecting perfection. They're your friends and family and they love you. Maybe your mum will help when she gets there, or come a bit earlier? One day at a time.

oh, it will be a lovely party - your DD's little face when she blows the candles out on the cake your mum made for her. Its the little things that keep us here xx

Thankyou all xxx

For tonight just concentrate on the positives. You are a strong person. You are helping yourself move on. You have 2 great children. You have good friends and a mum who loves you. Deal with one thing at a time and maybe go back to the Drs on Monday and see if there are some services you can access at need. Your DH doesn't sound like he's helping much at the moment but don't try to tangle through that one until you've got yourself a bit more settled. I hope you're feeling a bit better and not alone.

I came out of the loo and DC have destroyed the house.

I can't access any other services, the community mental health team said there's nothing they can do for me.

My GP said he would call Monday to see how I am (he called Fri too).

I don't know if I can make it that long.

I want to go so badly it hurts.

But they told me before that going would just mess my kids up and ruin their lives. But I'm already ruining their lives by being like this. At least they're both still quite young now, it might not be as bad for them as if I leave it.

No no no they will miss you forever.

There will be people here all night to hold your hand through this.

Do you have the Samaritans number?

I think you need to speak to your GP and ask for a psychiatric referral for your meds. Amitryptiline is not recommended for BPD. Last time I took it I slashed my wrists.

I can't call the Samaritans, DH and DC would see me on the phone. Plus I can't seem to leave DC alone.

Looking at this objectively, like I'm somebody else, I think I need to go back to hospital. I can't keep myself safe at all. I have plans. But i don't know who to call and I'm sure they'll just say I'm attention-seeking because of my diagnosis. But it screws everything up if I go back IP, DC1 is at school now, he wasn't last time.

I've been taking amitriptyline for years and years. That's why I'm not convinced it does anything. Same with clomipramine. They put me on quetiapine in hospital, but I hated it and it did nothing except make me tired, so I came off it quickly.

your children will be devastated - all the milestones in their lives and you wont be there! Don't do it to them.

If you have plans for suicide that counts as a medical emergency - please call someone, even if it is 999.

How will your DH react if you tell him how you are feeling? Stay talking to us.

How old are your kids? can you read them to riot act and get them to tidy up? Where is your DH? he needs to get up and help

These days they don't like giving psychiatric drugs out for BPD as they don't actually change anything - just "zone you out" in certain circumstances.

However, amitriptyline (and other tri-cyclics) are known to react VERY badly with BPD.

Those two statements totally contradict each other I know!