I don't know what to do

[Criminy]

I really feel like I want to just end it. I'm 99% sure DH wants me to too.
I'm wavering over leaving my kids, & messing them up.

I don't know what to do.

I am fairly safe at home with DH & DC at moment. The compulsion to "go to the supermarket" is overwhelming.

Please keep posting. Where are you?
Please wake up your dh and tell him. Call someone, anyone, your children need you however you feel right now.

DH just came down for dinner. He wasn't very happy about what I'd cooked but he ate some. I asked him if he was feeling better, he said no. I'm upstairs bathing DC now.

I can't keep feeling like this.

I'm not convinced I even have BPD. I don't recognize myself in the description of it. My diagnosis a few years ago was ASD. And depression.

My mum's going to come earlier tomorrow.

To be honest, I think the only reason they give me quetiapine is to try and knock me out.

Really good that your mum is coming. Is she helpful?

Mum's very good, although she hates DH so it can get a bit awkward. She tries her best to not show it though.

I'm in East Midlands.

Not much to say except hang on in there - I've been there (and still not totally out of that place yet, but working on it.) and I can tell you it WILL get better.
This may bit work for you, but I fibd what works for me is to give myself little things to look forward to like a cinema or theatre trip, or just deciding that on X day I'm going to go to local cafe and have one of their special slices of cake.
You have your DC who love you so much... Focus on them and it will help too - I know when I was in the darkest place it was the image in my mind of my son that kept me going.

Hang in there. You CAN beat this and remember it's not you thinking these things it's your ilness, x

(Sorry for all the typos in last post!)

How are things today?

Last night was very rough. I didn't sleep well, despite upping my quetiapine dose (on doc's orders). I drove to the end of the drive and just sat in my car for a while. The compulsion to go to the woods is so strong.

DD's party today was just exhausting. My amazing mum came quite early and just did everything. I'm very grateful.

Had a bit of a talk with DH. He's finding things very difficult at the moment. His mental health trigger is money, and that's a big issue at the moment. He said he couldn't have another year with me like last year though. (I was in hospital for 4 months). I want him to go see his GP but he won't. I think I either need to hide how bad I'm feeling or just get on and end it. I'm starting to think it would be better for everyone if I was just gone, out of their lives. They might grieve for a while, but they'd be far better off in the long run.

My GP is supposed to call me tomorrow. I don't know how to get across to him just how awful things are though.

I don't want to make things more difficult but I do want get across to you that they really won't 'just get over' the grief.

Especially your children. They love us no matter how shit we think we are. You can get through this. Does your mum know how difficult things are right now?

When you talk to the doctor please do be honest with them and if they don't grasp how things are just keep repeating yourself.

Look criminy you have an illness and obviously very severe if you were in hospital for 4 months. If DH can't cope with your illness the solution isn't for you to end your life. Nor can you pretend you are ok when you're not.

Please tell the GP how bad you are feeling and how DH can't cope with you being ill. I'm not sure what the best way forward is but I know the worst thing is for you to end your life. Your children need you and if you're not there, they're going to be left with their dad which doesn't seem a very good deal for them. It isn't the case that they would grieve for a while and then be ok. And what about your mom - can you talk to her about how desperate you feel. How old are the children? Do you any friends/relatives who can support you.