Think am at the end

[rosenylund]

Don't know where to begin. I'm not even looking for replies i don't think.

Had depression on and off since 16, on citalopram for 8 years which generally works well. Recently split with partner and have crashed horribly, other things including loss of a pet, rubbish work, threat of redundancy etc.

Wednesday i crashed horribly, doc told me to hold on from suicide for 2 weeks and come back, in the hope a higher does of cit. will help. I called to self refer for the counselling on his recommendation, i tell them i'm suicidal. They call the drs who never call back. Advise me to go to A and E, all whilst hiding in my car at work on the phone.

[Description of methods removed]

At this point, i've given up. I've been through this cycle so many times, and it gets worse every time. My bf ending it is just another in a series of failures throughout my life and is the icing on a shit cake. I can't fix myself this time and I don't think I can be fixed - worse still, I don't want to fix myself.

I'm getting up, going to work, because I have to. And now its Friday again, nowhere to go and no-one to see. I'm wallowing in my own self pity, there are millions of people with millions of problems. I can't even muster up the will to kill myself properly, I can't even do that right.

Bf reason for finishing is that not in love me, i'm not the one. After 18 months. My fault, I never said i loved him but I thought I showed it in my actions and how much I cared. Turns out he only cares for and respects me, whilst i am so stupid i had no idea anything was wrong and never saw it coming. So another waste. Another failure.

I'm at age now when any friends I have are married, young children, homes and careers and I'm on the outside looking in as per usual. I can't face a life like this. There's nothing to get up for and nothing to stay alive for.

Hi OP things will get better, have you called Samaritans and had a chat with them today ?
Relationships ending is hard , it's not a waste that you had this relationship though.
Wish I knew what to say to make you feel a bit better xxxxxxxxx

rose please, please go to A&E now. You are in an emergency situation and need help. Please drive there now and tell them exactly what you've said on this thread. Or show them. Please

Sorry things are so bad OP and see you have a GP appointment on Monday. The raised dose of citalopram might help a bit, but of course it won't help the underlying cause which seems at this point to be the break up of your relationship. Some kind of loss (not necessarily a bereavement) is almost always at the root of depression so it's not surprising you have nose dived.

Might be an idea to call Samaritans - unless you have anyone in RL who can support you. Do you live alone? Mazy I honestly don't think going to A & E is going to be much help to the OP. I think many people think if you are feeling suicidal that you will be admitted to hospital but this is not the case. Suicidal feelings (and attempts) are very common in depression and A & E will do a risk assessment, but ime they are likely to send the OP off with a couple of diazepam, especially as she is seeing her GP on Monday.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We have also edited your post, because we don't allow any description of suicide methods on Mumsnet.

Wishing you all the very best and hoping you can access some RL support soon .

OP, hope you feel able to access some RL help before next week's appointment of you need it.

nana the NHS website lists the following:

"Getting help
If you are feeling suicidal, there are people you can talk to who want to help:
speak to a friend, family member or someone you trust as they may be able to help you calm down and find some breathing space
call the Samaritans 24-hour support service on 08457 90 90 90
go to, or call, your nearest accident and emergency (A&E) department and tell the staff how you are feeling
contact NHS 111
make an urgent appointment to see your GP"

Yes Mazy I'm sure it does say that and agree with the suggestions. All I am saying is that (as many other MNs will agree I'm sure) going to A & E is not usually helpful. I suppose all hospital trusts have their own policies but generally you are triaged to see if it is necessary to call the "crisis team" and if so, then you can wait for up to 3 hours for them to turn up (the crisis team is usually a CPN and a doctor) and they will do a risk assessment about suicide. They will almost always discharge you with diazepam to take the edge off the anxiety. However they will inform your GP and if necessary the CMHT or psychiatrist.

The Trust where I live have a liaison person to deal with mental health issues in A & E because so many people complained to the CQC (Care Quality Commission) that they were not being helped. I don't think it works very much better because the liaison MH nurse only works for a few hours a day and no-one is available after 8.00 in the evening. Some trusts have been very innovative and have set up small "Cafes/Coffee shops" staffed by volunteers, next to A & E so that patients can have someone to talk to and support them through a crisis until they can see their usual GP.

It isn't necessarily a criticism of A & E - they are completely overwhelmed with work and MH services are very "thin on the ground" - a tiny % of the NHS budget is actually spent on MH. I'm not saying that people shouldn't go to A & E if they feel really suicidal but I think many people who haven't had personal experience of MH issues and the routes to getting support often don't realise that the help A & E can give is very limited. There is a huge shortage of inpatient beds (dependent on where you live) and unless someone is suffering from a psychotic illness and is a danger to themselves or others and is out of touch with reality, it is highly unlikely that a bed on a psychiatric ward will be made available. In fact in many Trusts patients are being discharged far too soon because there are others who are in greater need of inpatient care.

I didn't go to a and e, I can't go there when there are so many people with real problems. I've just stayed in bed all weekend. i have to see the gp tomorrow but feel its pointless, i don't believe anything will help me now and more importantly i don't want to be helped. I've hurt my family terribly with all this and I feel so guilty. I know they love me but that just makes me feel worse for being such a disappointment to them all. I've no will left in me.

Went back the drs who advised me the only difference if i saw a psych would be that they may want to admit me to hospital, which i definitely don't want. Dr said come back in 2 weeks, referred to cbt. my parents were gutted, i think they were hoping for a really speedy, helpful response - when i know the help is a long wait away and that at the moment I don't really want helping. Ironically my dad is a cpn, I suppose its much harder to rationalise when it's your own.

I think the only reason I haven't tried again yet is I'm shattered and I can't be bothered to do anything

I'm so empty and alone. I have nothing to get up for, nothing to live for.

l've kept going to work as I can't afford to go off, but I'm drowning, I really want to end it but I feel so tired. My gp put my meds up and I'm a 3 month waiting list for cbt. What's the point, I don't believe I can get better now and I don't believe anything can help me.

I have destroyed my family now they know I want to die, I' eve failed at everything I've ever done. Every night I drink and smoke weed to block everything out. You can't tell the people you love these feelings because it hurts them so much. I just want to disappear, this well never end. I really need to finish it this weekend.

Please hang on

I've been in that pit and, bloody hell, it's the worse. I didn't want to speak to anyone, was desperately tired and had that resigned, numb feeling you know? Can you separate and keep telling yourself that it's the illness making you feel like this? That you DO have the potential to get help and feel better? Depression is such a bastard and SO good at skewing/tricking your mind with the darkest thoughts.

I'M thinking of you and hoping that you can get some quality rest and that tomorrow morning will seem a tad brighter at least x

Yes, please do hold on. You are very unwell, not doing anything to hurt anyone.

Hang on in there op. You are ill. You are loved and not alone. X

The thing I feel most keenly is that I may be ill but all the thoughts I'm having are so true, I've failed in all aspects of my life - I've done this to myself, so no one and nothing can fix me.

You are unwell, not a failure. When I had depression, my Mum said that I needn't be sorry, I wouldn't be sorry if I had flu. It's also an illness and you need to get better.

Is there another GP at the practice that you can see? I don't think that what the GP has told you is correct. You won't necessarily be admitted to hospital but you should be seen by the mental health team and a plan put into place.

Please call the Samaritans and at least ask what help there would be? It's rubbish thinking that there is nothing that can be done for you and no safety net out there and I don't think that the information you've been given is correct. It's horrible being in the place that you are in but it would be hideous to act thinking that nothing can be done just because your GP is ill informed.

And I've been in that place too, OP. I very, very nearly jumped off a bridge. It seemed absolutely clear to me at the time that I was a terrible mother and I was doing untold damage to my children. I thought I was thinking logically. Now when I think back I know that was the illness talking but it made so much sense at the time. It wasn't true though.

I would say that is so the illness making those thoughts seem real. From what you've said you have some successes yes? As in, you have a job you've maintained, you've had relationships. I know the relationship has broken down but that takes two, not just you. I understand your feelings towards not wanting to let your family down. As I mentioned, I didn't want to speak to any of them, not even my sister who I'm really close to. The illness made me alienate myself, I think to protect them in a skewed way you know? I'm quite sure they love you and probably feel pretty helpless. I know my Mum totally didn't "get" it. When I mention my depression she's all "Yes but that was years ago, all finished now" Errr NO! It is part of me, that I must manage mostly on my own. For me to give it legs every now and then.

Op, I too have suffered from depression since my teens. When I'm well I can see my illness over amplifies all my percieved failings. We are human, things arent perfect for anybody. Hold on, depression might be something you have to live with but there is so
Much to live for. Hold on.

Keep buggering on OP. I was fairly despairing of my current life at the beginning of this week (not suicidal but I could see no answer to a problem). Then sonething happened - I knew it was happening but didn't expect the major impact it had - & it changed everything - the view from Friday is very different to Monday's view.

You can get better - & you can see things differently. As pp's have said it is your illness talking. There are things that can help - it's outrageous how long you have to wait to access them, but they may be worth waiting for. In the meantime please do go to A&E if you start to feel unwell or unsafe.

You have not destroyed your family because they know you want to die, they will want to help you get better , they love you.

If you go ahead with killing yourself you will destroy there lives, having been directly affected by someone commuting suicide I can tell you now your family will never ever get over it and will spend the rest of there lives blaming themselves

So for yourself and for them please do not harm yourself in anyway or form

Yes you are ill and you will get better you just need to give it time , don't be alone go and see your family, surround yourself with them if you can, ask for their help.

They will want to help you. Do not let this beat you, don't let depression win.

You can fight this and you will succeed , just take each day at a time, I know the CBT seems far away but it will be here before you know it and hopefully will put you on the road to recovery
Just hang in there for now to give it a chance
Good luck op , and always remember people do love you and do care about you.

How are you feeling today? Hope you're having a peaceful weekend x

I feel terrible. I'm destroying my family. No one is listening. The gps just tell me to come back in two weeks, even when I'm telling them I'm only sleeping for 2-3 hours every night. I already feel dead. I an't believe I'm still going to work. I have breaks in the toilets where I cry and punch myself in the head.

And then I go back to the office, type the words and answer the phone. and then I come home, go to bed, don't sleep and start all over again. I can't carry on like this. The increased medication is working in that I'm completely blank. My brain isn't my own anymore. My self is not my own anymore. I wish I could wipe my whole memory and forget my self and everyone.

I've tried so many times to get life right and I've had enough of trying, my chances have run out because I am sick of trying now. I don't want to carry on. Yet I'm such a coward, I'm still here, even though there are no answers, no one can help me and I know I won't get better this time. what's the point.

I don't think I can get through the night, is there anyone there

I'm here! But I'm in no way qualified to give you advice - but I'll happily chat with you.

But for someone better placed to help you, have you considered talking to the Samaritans?

And have you read this?