Think am at the end

[rosenylund]

Don't know where to begin. I'm not even looking for replies i don't think.

Had depression on and off since 16, on citalopram for 8 years which generally works well. Recently split with partner and have crashed horribly, other things including loss of a pet, rubbish work, threat of redundancy etc.

Wednesday i crashed horribly, doc told me to hold on from suicide for 2 weeks and come back, in the hope a higher does of cit. will help. I called to self refer for the counselling on his recommendation, i tell them i'm suicidal. They call the drs who never call back. Advise me to go to A and E, all whilst hiding in my car at work on the phone.

[Description of methods removed]

At this point, i've given up. I've been through this cycle so many times, and it gets worse every time. My bf ending it is just another in a series of failures throughout my life and is the icing on a shit cake. I can't fix myself this time and I don't think I can be fixed - worse still, I don't want to fix myself.

I'm getting up, going to work, because I have to. And now its Friday again, nowhere to go and no-one to see. I'm wallowing in my own self pity, there are millions of people with millions of problems. I can't even muster up the will to kill myself properly, I can't even do that right.

Bf reason for finishing is that not in love me, i'm not the one. After 18 months. My fault, I never said i loved him but I thought I showed it in my actions and how much I cared. Turns out he only cares for and respects me, whilst i am so stupid i had no idea anything was wrong and never saw it coming. So another waste. Another failure.

I'm at age now when any friends I have are married, young children, homes and careers and I'm on the outside looking in as per usual. I can't face a life like this. There's nothing to get up for and nothing to stay alive for.

no exerise no, I can't face leaving the house except after dark, and the only to the top for milk or something. ironically my sister lives at the end of the street. I can't really face seeing her at the moment. she stands outside and knocks on the window bless her heart. and i hide back in the bedroom :(

my manager is very good, i had to tell him what was going on in the end.

It is OK to exercise after dark, if that might be better It's also great to have someone supportive at work.

What do you think your sister would say if you talked to her?

My family are great, really i can't fault them. my poor sister has taken the brunt of me losing my normal filters in that i can't hide saying things like i want to die - terribly hurtful for famliy to hear. But everytime i see them i feel so guilty, so terrible. i can't bear to see my sisters kids as i just cry and then they get upset.

I'm basically sabotaging anything that might make me better, and i know i'm doing it - drinking, smoking, staying in bed, not answering the phone, watching endless sad documentaries on netflix. I just don't feel anything will help at the moment, I'm still taking all the medication which is the only thing I'm doing right.

i just cannot fathom how bad I feel at the moment, of all the episodes I've had since age 15 I can never recall feeling this bad!

I honestly can't see a way out and I''m near 3 months in now and I honesty don't feel any better, every day is worse. I'm starting to feel afraid about whats going to happen to me, am i to end up dead or in hospital or what. I just had a weird moment of lucidity that made me feel afraid.

??

How are you today?

Go and see a doctor

Sorry I only got up an hour or so ago.

I've been to the gp regularly. There's only so much they can do, I'm on a 3 month waiting list for cbt. Mental health support perhaps isn't as prevalent as it appears, when you don't need it. You get medication, a referral and advice to attend a and e/contact crisis team when in major crisis.

My mum suffers and nothing I say seems to help. I hope you are ok.

Thank you, I know it must be very frustrating and upsetting, I'm certainly seeing that in my family at the moment. Posting here helps a little.

A little, she's also a alcoholic which doesn't help her.

Have you looked at local provision from Mind? The support they provide is localised so they may or may not be convenient for you - some local Minds provide support and advice for carers too.

Rose I believe that this episode will not last forever for you. Every day you get through is a day closer to getting better. Of course your family don't enjoy seeing you unhappy, but they will always want you to be able to talk to them.

You can call the Samaritans on 116 123 - you can talk to them without having to worry them the way an ill person might worry about their family.

How do you feel after you've talked to your sister?

Hello again, sorry for radio silence.

The beta blockers seem to be working I will say very tentatively as I don't want to jinx it. I have another gp app today to be checked out again, and I need to get drs note as well.

My parents are extremely unhappy I'm staying off, my dad keeps saying how I will be stigmatised by it being on my records (after all these years coping and never going off officially with depression). I know they're worried, but I really need them to support me in being off or I just feel so guilty. I don't know whether it will just be this week or a few weeks or a month at this moment.

My boss called yesterday to see how I was, he has called again today twice presumably to ask something work wise but I haven't felt able to call him back yet.

In other news I went swimming yesterday which is the first time I've done something in daylight for a few weeks. Bumped into my mum getting in the pool and she was so happy to see me out, but that made me cry underwater as I swam up and down!

There are various items around my house which I won't describe but hae wanted to use to escape over the last weeks - I don't feel ready to remove these from sight yet but its on my mind to do so.

Thank you again for all the kind messages, it is very much appreciated.

Lovely to see you posting again OP

Well done on going for the swim!

Can you email your boss? That way you stay in contact without having to do a live phone call.

Hope your GP appt went well.

GP app didn't go great at first, mum and i rowed in the waiting room because she's so worried about me being off work. I understand she's stressed with me and upset and I did apologise, but at one point she said 'I could have had you put in hospital you know'. I didn't like the tone she used but we're over it now.

I don't feel supported by them in being off work but they are trying, although my dad didn't talk to me all day after the appointment.

I feel under a lot of pressure to 'get better', and I want to now - which is a an improvement over the last few weeks (see my first post...), but now I'm impatient and getting anxious that I'm not feeling a lot better.

My gp is great, he upped the beta blockers and gave me some online resources to try and keep me going until the cbt starts - its such a long wait, its unbearable. Back again next week.

Been out today to visit a friend who just had a baby but that's it. I'm starting to feel the loneliness of the split with bf very keenly now and I'm struggling in all honesty. Can't really bear to elaborate at the moment. Perhaps should post in relationships to have sense talked into me!

I'm going to do a longish email to my boss with stuff to look out for etc. which will hopefully keep things ticking over, been meaning to do it all week but I will force myself tomorrow.

I just want to feel normal again, I can't remember when I last felt, happy (even slightly) or relaxed.

At the moment I feel afraid that I'm not going to get better, that the medication etc isn't working/isn't going to work - in the sense that before I felt I was in control by saying I don't want to get better, nothing will ever work for me.

Now, I feel afraid because I feel out of control - i.e. I want to feel better but I don't , and that this is all out of my control.

I hope that makes sense.

I'm finding it very hard to adjust to going from having an active social life with my ex and now staying in all the time, having no plans. I'm really feeling incredibly lonely and jaded, so much so that it actually hurts.

I used to enjoy my own company and I've no idea how I ever did. I would sometimes choose to stay in with myself and refuse an invite, just cos - not out of any anxiety or anything, just peace for myself.

I just feel so overwhelmed by these feelings.

In terms of my ex am trying to repeat the mantra that he did not love or care for me, and I deserve better but it's still killing me. I know rationally everything is magnified by being unwell, but its not making anything any easier.

I can't seem to get any peace, I just want my brain to give me a break.

I've seen friends this week, been swimming, seen family and I still feel wretched. I wish someone could say to me, hold on until x-date and you'll feel better, but that time seems never to arrive.

I'm on a time limit in that I only have 3 months full sick pay which would take me to 2nd week of December, so I have to be back at work then.

There don't seem to be any options for more support until I get the cbt (waiting list takes me to November/December). If anyone can help me find anything I'm in Sefton area of Merseyside.

Started to complete moodgym online but became enraged by it, so perhaps need more one to one help for the time being.

I just feel so desperate.

Aww you feel like this because of a ex be strong you can do this

Finishing that relationship was just the hideous icing on a really shit cake.
I've sort of traced back to June time when I lost my rag and walked out of work, so I guess I had started to become depressed around then.

I desperately need some help and don't know where to turn, I'm frightened the only next step for me is ending up in hospital.

Can I help? I started with postnatal depression after my son he's 18 month old now and I had another baby on Friday, also suffer from anxiety talking helps though

Thank you Claire for thinking of me and replying on this thread. Congratulations on a new baby :)

Thank you I'm free to talk anytime

Completely melted down the past 2 days, rowed with family over my not accepting support.

I feel terrible today. Lost any of the perspective I seemed to have gained recently. I think the meds I am taking now are literally only masking everything very slightly, like making my feelings slightly muted when I want them entirely on silent. I will take whatever they want me to take, seriously, I want to feel totally numb.