Don't know where to begin. I'm not even looking for replies i don't think.
Had depression on and off since 16, on citalopram for 8 years which generally works well. Recently split with partner and have crashed horribly, other things including loss of a pet, rubbish work, threat of redundancy etc.
Wednesday i crashed horribly, doc told me to hold on from suicide for 2 weeks and come back, in the hope a higher does of cit. will help. I called to self refer for the counselling on his recommendation, i tell them i'm suicidal. They call the drs who never call back. Advise me to go to A and E, all whilst hiding in my car at work on the phone.
[Description of methods removed]
At this point, i've given up. I've been through this cycle so many times, and it gets worse every time. My bf ending it is just another in a series of failures throughout my life and is the icing on a shit cake. I can't fix myself this time and I don't think I can be fixed - worse still, I don't want to fix myself.
I'm getting up, going to work, because I have to. And now its Friday again, nowhere to go and no-one to see. I'm wallowing in my own self pity, there are millions of people with millions of problems. I can't even muster up the will to kill myself properly, I can't even do that right.
Bf reason for finishing is that not in love me, i'm not the one. After 18 months. My fault, I never said i loved him but I thought I showed it in my actions and how much I cared. Turns out he only cares for and respects me, whilst i am so stupid i had no idea anything was wrong and never saw it coming. So another waste. Another failure.
I'm at age now when any friends I have are married, young children, homes and careers and I'm on the outside looking in as per usual. I can't face a life like this. There's nothing to get up for and nothing to stay alive for.