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Original poster

Think am at the end

73 replies

rosenylund · 04/09/2015 18:15

Don't know where to begin. I'm not even looking for replies i don't think.

Had depression on and off since 16, on citalopram for 8 years which generally works well. Recently split with partner and have crashed horribly, other things including loss of a pet, rubbish work, threat of redundancy etc.

Wednesday i crashed horribly, doc told me to hold on from suicide for 2 weeks and come back, in the hope a higher does of cit. will help. I called to self refer for the counselling on his recommendation, i tell them i'm suicidal. They call the drs who never call back. Advise me to go to A and E, all whilst hiding in my car at work on the phone.

[Description of methods removed]

At this point, i've given up. I've been through this cycle so many times, and it gets worse every time. My bf ending it is just another in a series of failures throughout my life and is the icing on a shit cake. I can't fix myself this time and I don't think I can be fixed - worse still, I don't want to fix myself.

I'm getting up, going to work, because I have to. And now its Friday again, nowhere to go and no-one to see. I'm wallowing in my own self pity, there are millions of people with millions of problems. I can't even muster up the will to kill myself properly, I can't even do that right.

Bf reason for finishing is that not in love me, i'm not the one. After 18 months. My fault, I never said i loved him but I thought I showed it in my actions and how much I cared. Turns out he only cares for and respects me, whilst i am so stupid i had no idea anything was wrong and never saw it coming. So another waste. Another failure.

I'm at age now when any friends I have are married, young children, homes and careers and I'm on the outside looking in as per usual. I can't face a life like this. There's nothing to get up for and nothing to stay alive for.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosenylund · 05/10/2015 21:45

i know no one can give me the answers I want, so it seems pointless. I have another gp app tomorrow but I feel like I can't get through tonight

OP posts:
BIWI · 05/10/2015 21:45

Why do you feel you can't get through tonight?

ItchyArmpit · 05/10/2015 21:46

Here and listening x

Original poster
rosenylund · 05/10/2015 21:49

everyhting has just come to a head now, i'vefelt so wretched the last few months and now its all come together and i can't see the point, I can't bear the pain of my life

OP posts:
CloakAndJagger · 05/10/2015 21:51

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and also that your GP isn't helping. There's support out there for people in crisis from local mental health teams. A psych isn't likely to admit you to hospital as a first point of call, they'll always try to treat you in the community first.

If your GP won't refer you and If you don't feel like you can keep yourself safe, then do go to A&E. They will take you through some assessment questions and get the mental health liaison nurse to come and talk to you. That way you'll be assessed properly by someone with proper MH training who can look at what they can do to support. Most likely they'll refer you to the local crisis team, who can put in a series of home visits to support you and allow you to access a psychiatrist.

I've been where you are. It's all very bleak, but there is always a way forward and a future, but you need help to get through these dark days.

RainyAfternoon · 05/10/2015 21:52

Hello, just to let you know people are here and listening. Where are you tonight OP? Are you at home?

TheSwallowingHandmaiden · 05/10/2015 22:01

The weed is destroying your mind, OP, please stop smoking it and consider changing gp. Citalopram is known for being very ineffective for lots of people. Please believe in the power of CBT.

Original poster
rosenylund · 05/10/2015 22:03

i'm at home yes.

OP posts:
ItchyArmpit · 05/10/2015 22:19

The Handmaiden is right - weed and alcohol make depression worse, not better. It's so tough when you're in the midst of depression - you have thoughts that you 'know' to be true, but really it's the illness talking.

For example, you described your 18-month relationship as a 'failure', but there are other ways of looking at it. The huge, overwhelming majority of relationships come to an end, but that doesn't make them all failures. You were happy together for a pretty good chunk of time, from what you've said. Your ex has said that he cares for you and respects you - clearly you are a person of worth.

If the citalopram's not working - and it is common to feel worse rather than better just after upping the dose, but that then goes away - then there are many other different medications. Definitely hang in there for the CBT too. It's not always super-easy, but it can change the way you think and feel over the very long term - I had CBT four years ago and it is still helping me now.

Original poster
rosenylund · 05/10/2015 22:29

I know, it just all helps with numbing everything. I've had four gos of cbt in the past, helped at the time until I fell into further episodes. guess its not stuck...

OP posts:
ItchyArmpit · 05/10/2015 22:35

How have you been today?

TheoriginalLEM · 05/10/2015 22:39

hey. i am feeling very similar to you right now.

i don't have any answers just a hand to hold.

Original poster
rosenylund · 05/10/2015 22:57

Thank you TheoriginalLEM, I know I'm not the only one but it's easy to forget.

Today has been positively wretched, ex has already got a new gf and redundancies due so not a good day all round.

OP posts:
darksideofthemooncup · 05/10/2015 23:26

Can't read and run OP. I have been there too but I promise that it will pass even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You are a lot stronger than you think , the fact that you are posting here is proof of that. If CBT hasn't worked for you maybe have a look at the Thrive Programme, I have just completed it and it has helped me no end.
Right now though you need to be kind to yourself and try and get some sleep if you can

TheoriginalLEM · 05/10/2015 23:53

yes it is. i often read threads on here but don't post as i don't have anything to add but some of the things you posted sounded so much like me. Happily, many people who feel utterly desperate do get through it. I have - what feels today like too many times but I'll get through it again. So will you.

have you ever considered that it wasn't you thst 'failed' with this relationship? That it was him? That he is a cockwomble and you actually deserve better? You haven't failed. maybe neither has he. maybe it wasn't meant to be. i had given up on ever finding anyone decent. Then i met dp and he stuck around. i could murder him at times mind. 20 years later and i guess I'll let him stay ;)

it must be a huge worry about work. but again redundancy isn't about you, its about figures and if IF it happens you haven't failed.

i admire you greatly for holding down a job on top of everything else. I wish i was that strong. i hope to be.

lets go to bed on a more positive vibe? even if the best thing that happens to us tomorrow is we have a good cup of tea and actually have time to drink it.

xxxxx

you have helped me tonight because you understand.

Original poster
rosenylund · 06/10/2015 08:43

thank you for all your messages. I didn't feel able to rely through the night, had a few hours and read other threads for distraction all night.

OP posts:
ItchyArmpit · 06/10/2015 11:15

So glad you're still posting Smile

Have you seen the gp yet?

TheoriginalLEM · 06/10/2015 11:27

Good to see you this morning, i have been thinking about you. I am feeling a bit brighter today, well, im not putting myself under pressure to do anything otehr than let this pass.

Original poster
rosenylund · 06/10/2015 19:36

So been back the gp with my mum who did the talking, given beta blockers for the anxiety and a short supply of sleeping tablets. I'm a bit blank today so hopefully will have some peace. Need to decide if I go back to work tomorrow. My family are really keen as I know they feel it keeps me in a routine, but I personally feel I need a break. Also, next week, I have 2 staff on leave whose jobs I'm supposed to cover, so if I don't take a break now it'll be christmas before i can get any leave.

So tired of feeling like this. I want my brain to just go on holiday for a bit, or something, and let me have some peace.

Bit sad to be 35 and your mum has to come the gp with you :(

OP posts:
Peniston · 06/10/2015 19:45

Or, another way of looking at it is how fortunate to have a supportive mum who can go to the GP with you Smile

OhHolyFuck · 06/10/2015 19:46

Hi, not sure I'm the best person to advise (had my own, similar thread just a few days ago) but I'm here and im listening

If you feel you need a break, then maybe work tomorrow isn't a good option - could you have a quiet day, some easy brainless films and some snacky tasty food? Just to recharge, your head going all the time is exhausting I know, and makes you tired and numb, a day of being easy on yourself might help?

It's not sad at all, she loves you and wants the best for you, that's lovely

Keep talking.

Original poster
rosenylund · 07/10/2015 15:52

I'm definitely not going in the rest of the week, i know my family are dissappointed but its a not a situation I've taken lightly - i'll loe pay for a start.

I just need some quiet, I want my brain to just stop.

My parents are in their 70s and I just feel they shouldn't have to be dealing with all this at their age. I've completely lost myself really.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 07/10/2015 16:21

Sometimes we need a little help. Your family aren't dissapointed, just worried. But you know what is best for yourself and they may see keeping busy at work is what you need (its what i need just now but no proper job - argghhh) but it isn't. Like you say, you need a brain holiday.

I have mentioned this to someone else today, when you feeling a bit less blurry, ask your Dr about Escitalopram. Very similar (in fact the same) drug as citalopram but you only need to take half the dose. Its more expensive than citalopram so they don't always prescribe it first but i changed over and its much better.

I also took myself off to bed today - felt better for it - althoguh now feeling like i need another day in bed Blush

Ohholyfuck - glad to see you around and hope you are feeling stronger. x

Original poster
rosenylund · 07/10/2015 20:10

I'm spending most of my time in bed to be honest, it feels better to sleep as then you're not thinking. but then sleeping in the day is impacting on my night time sleep, hence the sleeping tablets now. I slept till 12 today which is an improvement on 3pm over the weekend, I suppose.

The sleeping pills are a very low dose and to be honest I didn't feel an benefit last night, maybe tonight.

I agree about keeping busy at work, my mum is gutted and i know deep down she is right but I just can't now. I'm upset at work and upset at home so I'm personally not seeing the difference. Plus people keep asking me why do you look so tired, what's up with you and my usual response has been a chin wobble and a dash to the toilets ;/

I really appreciate all these messages, just so you all know.

OP posts:
ItchyArmpits · 07/10/2015 20:51

Bed can be good. Just make sure you keep the sheets and PJs fresh so it's a pleasant place to be.

Are you getting any exercise? It'll help you sleep x

What is your relationship with your line manager like? Could you ask them to let everyone know not to ask how you are when you get back?