... it feels like it. Been progressively more down and had a weekend full of intrusive distressing memories, then last few days just so shaky and in pain and now I'm numb, sort of. Not numb exactly, cant sleep but exhausted, sot of distant. Looking at death and realising its the only release for me.
I feel like I've tried everything, but other people, their reality, is just further and further away. My experiences set me apart so much, and no-one will reach across the divide to me, no, I'm a weirdo to be ridiculed for not having a positive outlook or something. I have done so much, for so long, to try and make my life better. I had the positive outlook and kept rebuilding it everytime dreadful and traumatic things happened. I was trying to do the right thing since my teens, when others were messing around I was trying to build a life... yet the same people seek to lecture me and judge me because they finally got their act together and it all worked out... rather than the hideous bad luck i've been subject to.
I just want someone to love me and give me a hug and accept that it fucking hurts. No more blame or jugdement. Someone I couldnt tell the memories to who would believe me and see why it hurts so much (if I wrote the things here it would sound bad but in real life people like to minimise...) Someone who would just give a shit and encourage me when I'm unable to myself, rather than be expected to somehow feel good when I feel shit, as if I'm deluding myself.
But that is not possible.
And I am floating away, giving up trying to connect with the people who dont understad and judge me. I didnt want it to be this way but the world is telling me, forcing me through the door. I am not wanted here. I wish I was.
Please dont tell me to get help... I have tried for years and the awful experiences in the system is a big part of my struggles... I am not allowed to se the CMHT or primary care MH services - both have explicitly stated I am not suitable and will reject referrals. Fighting for help has drained me and hurt me so much. I see a private therapist weekly but it isnt enough. It is not explaining the answers I seek, it does not add up in the real world... if I am worth something and shouldnt have experienced those things fair enough but it doesnt stop the way I am treated or explain how to know who to trust... it doesnt explain why I am eternally and unwanted failure, why people judge me so harshly. I feel so alone.
I'm sorry.