is this the end?

[elementofsurprise]

... it feels like it. Been progressively more down and had a weekend full of intrusive distressing memories, then last few days just so shaky and in pain and now I'm numb, sort of. Not numb exactly, cant sleep but exhausted, sot of distant. Looking at death and realising its the only release for me.

I feel like I've tried everything, but other people, their reality, is just further and further away. My experiences set me apart so much, and no-one will reach across the divide to me, no, I'm a weirdo to be ridiculed for not having a positive outlook or something. I have done so much, for so long, to try and make my life better. I had the positive outlook and kept rebuilding it everytime dreadful and traumatic things happened. I was trying to do the right thing since my teens, when others were messing around I was trying to build a life... yet the same people seek to lecture me and judge me because they finally got their act together and it all worked out... rather than the hideous bad luck i've been subject to.

I just want someone to love me and give me a hug and accept that it fucking hurts. No more blame or jugdement. Someone I couldnt tell the memories to who would believe me and see why it hurts so much (if I wrote the things here it would sound bad but in real life people like to minimise...) Someone who would just give a shit and encourage me when I'm unable to myself, rather than be expected to somehow feel good when I feel shit, as if I'm deluding myself.

But that is not possible.

And I am floating away, giving up trying to connect with the people who dont understad and judge me. I didnt want it to be this way but the world is telling me, forcing me through the door. I am not wanted here. I wish I was.

Please dont tell me to get help... I have tried for years and the awful experiences in the system is a big part of my struggles... I am not allowed to se the CMHT or primary care MH services - both have explicitly stated I am not suitable and will reject referrals. Fighting for help has drained me and hurt me so much. I see a private therapist weekly but it isnt enough. It is not explaining the answers I seek, it does not add up in the real world... if I am worth something and shouldnt have experienced those things fair enough but it doesnt stop the way I am treated or explain how to know who to trust... it doesnt explain why I am eternally and unwanted failure, why people judge me so harshly. I feel so alone.

I'm sorry.

I cant bear it much longer. life is just pain and misery and heratbreak and bullies and being inadequate and death. why not die now

OP I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I couldn't read your comment and not post anything.
Your comment is very close to home as my dm committed suicide a long time ago. It's horrendous, but so is feeling how you feel.
Can you ring the Samaritans to just speak to another human being?
I've not read the full thread properly but wanted to give you a virtual hug x x

Element I had to post too. Just because I am thinking of you and I care. You have made me think a lot this past week. You seemed like you were coping last time you posted and I was so relieved.

Did anything happen since then? Anything you can talk about?

Have you seen your therapist this last week?

I am here if you need me, I want to try and help (not like last time though)

People here to talk element if that would help. You did sound like you'd picked up a bit ...... but sounds like you've nose dived again - the nature of the beast with mental illness I reckon, just to confuse us all the more.

Oh sweetie Here too. You don't deserve the abuse and crap treatment you've had in your life. You really don't; it's not you, it's them.

element, just sending you strength and light from here too.
You know you won't feel like this forever, don't you? That you will feel better with time? The trick truly is to keep breathing - one breath at a time, and one step at a time, one minute at a time.
I hope there is somebody in your life who can look after you and nurture you a bit
Consider yourself hugged.

Haven't read replies yet, sort of forgot I posted and internet been dodgy, thought better reply asap, sorry. x

Thanks everyone.

The specific things I'm finding so difficult are others not understanding, and me not being able to reconcile different views/work out what reality is.

I have fallen out with a couple of people recently... people seem to expect me to be totally understanding and forgiving and zen all the time. I am forgiving and understanding (provided the person is willing to try to understand/apologise etc. or if they're emotional/needing support themselves) but it seems to be expected at a level that a) means i'm just not saying anything/keeping reactions hidden, and b) a level of calm/patience I can't actually muster or see the need to when I'm in crisis. Oh and c) a level of understanding that I'm sure isn't shown back! I get confused and am uncertain of what is me being sensitive and what is others being unreasonable though... and trying to logic it through in my head throws up loads of discrepancies. I wish I could sit down everyone I know and ask a load of questions and get truthful answers just to get reality/people's views/rationale straight in my head.

It's all very well having my own code of conduct, morals, and view of the world (that adds up, and I ponder it, reason through, and change my views if it doesn't) but in reality it rather suggests the problem lies with me as I know people hold some very harsh and similar views of me. I get worried I'll end up totally alone and a bitter old bat, type thingy... Which is a bit shit for someone who'd love to live in a vibrant community.

The alternate view (can you see why I can't make reality add up?) is that peope are weird, have strange loyalties and issues themsleves, don't like to question their own hypocrises, of which there are many, etc etc. That's nicely plausible, I think, and certainly makes me feel better - but am I really just letting myself off the hook?

Even if it's true - I clearly need to work out how to spot/predict/deal with the weirdness so I don't get hurt! Like when someone you really trust getts into a relationship that seems to skew all their values including letting their partner dictate who they see (male friend, insecure partner, 'nuff said). Mind you, this sort of thing would merely be a bit sad, and a shrug, if there were lots of people I could trust (and be myself around, tbh) and/or if I wasn't struggling with the ghosts of the past.

Quite aside from all that, almost no-one (including sadly MH staff) appears to actually understand what it's like for me in crisis, or the concept of crisis, even. So MH staff and people who have had MH issues (less compex/layered issues?) have a sort of mind-over-matter type view, think yourself happy, which can be/can feel very blaming. This 'positive thoughts' type thing is ok for confidence and anxieties, but for the big stuff it's just another stick to beat myself with. Plus I could go around thinking I'm great, but if I'm a bitch that's no use! I need some kind of positive feedback from the world to make sure I'm not deluding myself!

Anyway, when things are really bad as they have been so much lately... almost continuous... it's bodily sensations, severe sickening butterflies in stomach, pain at points, a feeling of not being able to breathe at points, derealisation, difficulty speaking/forming sentences/understanding others/making myself understood, and a feeling of terror that feels like my body will rip in two with the pain. As well as all the memories flitting round vividly and all the questions and bits that dont add up, frantically going round and round trying to understand and make sense of it to stop the horror... sickening dread and confusion over whether I should harm myself, whether I should ask for help, or hide... not knowing what is right and terrified of every possibility. And obviously when I'm so out of it, I can't act normally, and when I can put a veneer of normal on I certainly can't cope with any difficult situations/needing to speak up for myself/any kind of pressure from others. But people expet me to be in a sort of low-but-I can-talk-myself-up state... in reality I'm needing a sort of mental leg-up before I can scale the wall myself.

This is a long message but the best I can express it... thoughts welcome. Thank you all round!

Aw, element, you are so eloquent in how you describe your distress

Here's one thing: rather than considering 'positive thinking' which is just so Pollyanna-ish and not always realistic or even appropriate, would it be more helpful to think about 'helpful' and 'unhelpful thinking'? You know, when you think a certain way about others, can you ask yourself 'does this help me? or does it not?'
I read from your post that you are quite a self-examining person? Are you? Can you practice getting better at 'not sweating the small stuff'? Not being that dependent on how others view you for you own well-being?

Ach, I don't know. Wishing you ongoing strength - you clearly are strong to have survived so far.

Have you ever had access to specific trauma therapy? EMDR?

I have to agree that you need professional help. I know from everything you said that no-one is giving it. I don't know what to suggest, which feels crap. Mental health services are failing so many people.
Can you show someone your MN threads? So they can see how you feel when you can't say it (and I relate to that).

I'm sorry that all happened to you and I'm sorry you were misunderstood. Clearly there is a lot of repressed memories and undealt with feelings that need to be worked through at some point. Your body is just trying to deal with it as best it can, so it shuts down and goes numb. It's not a long term solution do yes get some more advice to help your body deal with this, until you are in a safe place/time in your life when you feel ready to cope with bringing it all out. Meantime I really suggest you find people who can help support you and maybe it is your GP for specialist medication at this stage. It can help. There are answers and you will get through this but best you seek help, as your body is probably in shock too. Sounds like PTSD. Phone your GP/someone you trust to take you there xx

I am seeing a therapeutic counsellor privately. NHS is no-go, and actually damaging and reinforcing negative feelings/view of myself to keep trying to get help there. They want to do DBT on me or nothing (actually they decided nothing because I wasnt receptive enough to the vague "DBT techniques" care-coordinator wanted to attempt.) I've actually been re-referred by the police after stupidly calling them when desperate the other day (in my confused state I knew I needed help because was v suicidal, normally they have a "street triage" team but didn't on that day. I didnt call crisis team because I was in such a state and there is a 90% chance they'd have tipped me over tbh).

The funny thing is, I broke down approx 5 yrs ago when I reached a happy safe place in my life... then it turned out to not be so supportive and safe (emotionally) but by then the can of worms was open!

As for not being dependent on others for wellbeing... that is so confusing. Because I really do think/feel at points that I do need some kind of support. I think people do need that in general when they are 'ill' (never sure of framing it like that but anyway...) in this way. Also, as I mentioned, I could think i'm fabulous but be a total cow so would like some kind of feedbck from the world! But on the other hand I can't really rely on anyone to be supportive... or know who to trust, in a general sense, over time... so it would be great not to need that at all. But I do. Arghhhhh!! I also feel for myself, and think if Im beng intellectual about it for others, that people do need some kind of positive relationships/experiences to regain trust in a wold that has hurt them. So if I was looking at it from an outside perspective, I'd say, yes this person does need others, at least for a bit/some kind of positive relationships. As well as the trying to feel good about themselves stuff.

I'm glad the police re-referred you, and hope it leads to some help x

Element :) I was so happy to see your post.. I feel kind of responsible for upsetting you before, so please do check in..

I am relieved/impressed that you called the police in desperation.. That must be an incredibly hard thing to do when you are feeling so low and hopeless, if nothing comes from the referral, or you get poor treatment like before, please don't let that put you off reaching out again. It's just beyond words that they label you uncooperative and refuse to see you again... Surely that just means that they have to keep trying/use another approach? They have completely failed you.. No wonder you feel alone..

I am guessing you've probably got a high IQ which might trip you up when you are feeling down... You seem so strong and determined to understand and analyse yourself and all your feelings.. Not that that is any help, just an observation. You probably feel more alone and less understood than someone of more average intellect, who might be more easily calmed down. I've read before that people feel they are "too smart" for CBT to help them, which is pretty much what you said up there re. DBT.

I can't help thinking you're doing the right thing by going private.. Your description of the NHS mental health care has worried me a bit.. They might just practise a "one size fits all" model, which might comfort and help most people but if you aren't most people.. Well, it's not helped you, so let's hope the private therapy does.. I guess it's costing £40 odd per session, so again, good for you for prioritising your LIFE!

Of course you are right that everyone NEEDS someone who loves them enough to try to understand them.. I'm sorry you don't have that yet. The way you write about needing another person to care and lean on and get feedback from is quite heart breaking..

Well, hope you're doing alright ATM.. Would be great to hear from you

Ps - I also need to see myself through others eyes and look to others (my husband) for validation... Don't know if it's right or wrong, but I would be lost without that

I can't cope. I feel so worthless. I can't ask for help or support from anyone. I dont think I can carry on much longer.

I know that feeling well. Don't think or do, just be for now.
Time will take over and things will change eventually - you haven't always felt this bad so every reason why things will improve.

Easy enough for me to say, I know and I too have been in hospital numerous times for not taking my own advice!
Can you take yourself to A&E if it gets too bad (or call 111 who will send you an ambulance)? Again not easy but will get you over the immediacy of the current feelings ...
Well done for calling the police before - I have found them universally helpful, altho they can get irritated if refusing everything, but mainly because they want to help and feel frustrated if they can't. Once they even went to the local CMHT and demanded answers for me ...
Stay strong

Hi there, element. We're so sorry to hear things are so tough for you at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread element, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

It's just the existing day after day, so much effort to get nowhere, just to exist. It's like a fog closing in.

I just wanted to bring up the comment about igobaine. I know you're not going to but for anyone reading please do NOT buy it on the internet. It is legal to own but it's not like buying some herbal tablets. It's a serious psychodelic drug that can cause you to live through past memories and work through traumatic events. I expect the version on the internet is watered down so wouldn't work anyway but it's supposed to be taken in groups - it's not the kind of drug you want to be taking on your own or with someone who doesn't have a lot of experience in it. Really, it should be done in Africa (or South America in ayahuasca's case) around people who know what they're doing. There's an interesting article in National Geographic by Kira Salak who took ayahuasca in Peru I think it was - she said it did cure her depression she'd had since childhood but she had a pretty horrible experience taking it.

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. I also find it very difficult to trust people and wonder how others find relationships so easy. I don't just mean romantic relationships but relationships in general. I've had depression since childhood so I know it's never going to really go away. I'm 28 now and the thought of having to live with it for another 60 years is frightening. I've accepted that I can try and manage it the best I can but I worry about the impact it will have on the rest of my life. I feel like I'd be too much of a burden in relationships or to be a mother. I get negative thoughts in my head, not as bad since taking ADs but still there. I don't know if knowing you're not alone makes it any easier.