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Original poster

I just want to disappear

91 replies

CuppaBiccieBliss · 20/07/2015 13:30

God I sound so pathetic but I really can't do this anymore.
I haven't slept more than an hour a night for weeks, I'm exhausted, snappy, tearful and a general pain in the arse. I'm on medication for complex ptsd but nothing seems to work. I'm waiting for the mental health team to get in touch but it's been weeks and heard nothing.
I don't know how much more I can cope with, especially with no sleep Sad and of course it's the school holidays which makes everything worse. The guilt of not being able to do much with dds is killing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 20/07/2015 18:20

bump Sad I haven't stopped crying this evening. Why can't I just be bloody normal!

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ButEmilylovedhim · 20/07/2015 18:28

Poor you! Lots of sympathy from me. It might be worth ringing the mental health team to update them and ask for some help more quickly. Tell them exactly how you are, the lack of sleep etc. I think the squeakiest wheel gets the oil, unfortunately. Feel for you with the kids off as well. It does make everything harder. Flowers and Cake and Brew for you. And a hug Smile

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 20/07/2015 18:56

Thank you Thanks I think I'll try and phone them tomorrow. It just feels as though no one really cares, sound pathetic don't I.

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Getuhda348 · 20/07/2015 19:39

Can't really help. But just to say your not alone. I often feel the same suffer from extreme anxiety that causes depression. Sending best wishes to you Flowers

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 20/07/2015 20:44

Thank you Thanks

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm running out of options, would the kids really notice of I wasn't here? I'm no use to them like this Sad

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s13nna · 20/07/2015 23:23

Keep strong, i know it's difficult, i've been to the moon & back with it. Think of your dc's, they love you and need you.

Sending you

Getuhda348 · 20/07/2015 23:25

They would notice and your not replaceable. You deserve to be hear and happy. I always see my depression as a person who I shout stuff to and tell to f* off Blush sounds crazy but helps me. Please ring the mental health team or at least go again to your gp as they can get the crisis team to you. Not as scarey as it sounds!people come round to you and talk to you and assess what's the best next step for you . But sometimes it's good just to talk to them. You matter Flowers

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 14:11

Thanks again Thanks

Have phoned the mental health team, apparently my referral has gone missing. Ffs I'm fighting a losing battle. My gp is on holiday, no appointments with any other female gp ( I couldn't cope with seeing a male ) I don't know what to do. Dds are watching a film while I sit in the kitchen trying not to cry Sad I need a rest from it all.

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Pulledapart · 21/07/2015 15:06

Hi cuppa

Can you ask whoever sent your referral to call the crisis team for you? Did the mental health team tell you what they will do now?
It's just not good enough for them to say they can't find your referral as you need help now.

Ring your G.P surgery back up and tell them you really need to see a female G.P as your not coping at all and tell them exactly how you are feeling. At the very least tell them you need a call back from a female G.P. At the very least whoever you speak to may be able to prescribe some sleeping tablets to help you sleep.

I'm sorry your feeling this way but trust me when I say this your children do care and will notice your absence.

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 15:13

Thanks pulled Thanks

The mental health team said they ate going to phone the gp practice and phone me back, although looking at the time now I doubt it will be today.
Dp will be home at 4, he couldn't leave any earlier but has managed to take a few days off so I'm not alone. I will ask him to call the gp, I think I would just burst into tears.
I have managed to get the girls outside decorating the patio with chalk, at least they are happy. I just hate being like this around them Sad

I still haven't managed any sleep either so I am totally running on empty.

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dogood · 21/07/2015 15:32

I've just come across your thread. Have you had your phone call??? I agree with "Pulledapart" you need help NOW and TODAY. You need to express your severe desperation.. It makes me so cross that these people don't respond quicker!!!!! Your children love you as I am sure lots of other people do too. Please please keep posting and let us know that you are ok. Big Hugs your way :)

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 15:37

All of your kind messages are making me cry, in a nice way Smile

I sometimes feel as though I expect too much, I don't really feel worthy of any help tbh. I feel I didn't do enough to change my circumstances which have caused the ptsd.

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janetandroysdaughter · 21/07/2015 15:44

OP, I hope you get some sleep soon. That one hour in 24 thing is living hell.

Just one thing - I was told by a GP to ring surgery and ask for an appointment saying it was a MH emergency. They are much more motivated on reception if you explain this much (doesn't have to mean you're suicidal, just that you really can't cope.)

MamaMotherMummy · 21/07/2015 15:51

You are worthy of help, you are important, your DDs would be devastated without you. I am sorry you are going through PTSD at the moment.

Having been there myself, I know it feels like it will never end but it will pass eventually.

I understand you might have made decisions that weren't right in the past, everyone has, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve help. You do deserve all the help you want and need, not only for yourself, but for your dp and dds. They need you and they want to see you well.

Guilt is going to hold back your healing. If you've got any, forgive yourself and move on. Try to treat yourself like you'd treat one of your daughters who was in your situation. With gentleness, kindness, understanding, tolerance, forgiveness and most of all, love. You deserve it.

PTSD is temporary. Things will get better.

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 16:21

Oh I do feel very guilty. I'm like an anchor around my family.
Dp has phoned the gp, I'm on the call back waiting list, and he only got offered that because he told them how worried he was. I just feel like giving up. I spend my nights in tears out of sheer frustration about not being able to sleep, and my days panicking, crying and dealing with flashbacks Sad

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MamaMotherMummy · 21/07/2015 16:31

I am very sorry, and I understand that you feel guilty for the effect it has on your family. However the effect of you giving up would be a million times worse.

Just remember that however difficult it is at this time, what you are experiencing now is a normal response to a traumatic event and will pass. I know it doesn't help much now, but it's important to remember that you will be able to get back on your feet and live your normal life again.

Pulledapart · 21/07/2015 17:09

Oh cuppa I'm sure your family love you and you are absolutely not an anchor around them although I understand how it may feel like that. Flashbacks are horrible and I'm speaking from first hand experience. There are days I cannot function at all because of them. Be kind to yourself Flowers all I can say is you will get through this.

I'm glad your DH was able to make the call and really hope your G.P is helpful when he/she rings back.

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 18:21

Thank you Thanks
The gp phoned back, have a prescription for zopiclone and the crisis team are coming out first thing tomorrow. I am praying for at least some sleep.
I just wish I could see a way forward from this.

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dogood · 21/07/2015 18:51

You will get through this, and it starts NOW, take your medication which should help you to sleep tonight and know with confidence that the people with the expertise are coming to see you in the morning. I have seen the Crisis team on a few occasions and they were marvellous. Please let us all know how you get on tomorrow. I know it's easy for us to say there is light at the end of the tunnel when you are in such a dark place but there truly is, I've been there and I came through it. xx

Pulledapart · 21/07/2015 19:34

dogood is spot on with what she said and zopiclone is great at helping you sleep (I still take them 4 years on to help through my toughest nights). Really hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight. Do check in tomorrow to let us know how ur getting on.

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 19:44

Dp has sent me to bed with netflix, a cuppa and will bring my tablets up later. I'm feeling a little more positive Smile

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PurpleDaisies · 21/07/2015 19:47

Your dp sounds lovely. It is amazing what healing properties a nice cup of tea has.

Everything is worse through the veil of tiredness. Really hope the zopiclone gives you a good night's sleep and things continue to feel more positive in the morning. Flowers

Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2015 20:09

He is a good'n. And yes a cuppa does make all the difference Smile here's hoping to some sleep x

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Original poster
CuppaBiccieBliss · 22/07/2015 11:42

Well I managed 4 hours sleep, at least it's an improvement.
The crisis team have been, I'm not really sure what the point was tbh. They asked if I could keep myself safe, and will speed up the mental health team referral.

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dogood · 22/07/2015 13:10

Glad to hear you got some sleep, I'm sure that the Crisis team will speeds things up for you. Can I ask are you taking any medication at the moment to help you besides the tables for helping you sleep?