I just want to disappear

[CuppaBiccieBliss]

God I sound so pathetic but I really can't do this anymore.
I haven't slept more than an hour a night for weeks, I'm exhausted, snappy, tearful and a general pain in the arse. I'm on medication for complex ptsd but nothing seems to work. I'm waiting for the mental health team to get in touch but it's been weeks and heard nothing.
I don't know how much more I can cope with, especially with no sleep and of course it's the school holidays which makes everything worse. The guilt of not being able to do much with dds is killing me.

Well I made a total fool of myself, couldn't stop crying A cpn is coming tomorrow morning and I have temazepam for tonight.
She did talk about hospital but because of my history she doesn't think it's a good idea unless I get worse. Not sure how much worse I can get tbh. As soon as I heard the word hospital i completely panicked. I feel like such a bloody twat

It has been mentioned but the waiting list is about a year. Will ask the cpn tomorrow.
I am desperate for something to work. This is no way to live.

Oh cuppa. You haven't made a fool of yourself I promise you. Turn it around and be proud of yourself for asking for help for you and your family. Now relax. Make yourself a cup of tea, sit down and rest. Xx

Oh I feel like a fool. I struggle talking about it never mind crying in front of people

I will definitely ask about emdr. Do you mind me asking how many sessions you needed. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business. If the waiting list is long I might look at going private. May have to sell a kidney or the kids though

That sounds promising, I'm pleased you're recovering

I get the constant panic too. You should see the state of me if someone knocks on the door. I live everyday in fear of something.
I'm still terrified that they will find me again.

Hi Cuppa, good to hear the CPN is coming tomorrow, you've had a lot of good advice from Mrs DeVere regarding EMDR. She has obviously been where you are now and is proof that you can get better(. Baby steps :)

Fear IS exhausting and debilitating and absolutely vile. While you are in the midst of it, it is truly terrifying. MrsDeVere is spot on when she says, "one day, you won't have that fear anymore" :) ILets hope you can get some kip tonight

It really is exhausting. I struggle to tell the difference between my rational fears and rational ones.
See, Everytime I tell a doctor that I am genuinely frightened of them finding me again, they say that's irrational. But to me, it's not. It would only take one of them but if they did my life would be over. I couldn't run again, I don't have the energy

*irrational

Obviously I don't know your history but you say you are frightened of "them" trying to find you which concerns me. Who is trying to find you?

It's a long story but basically I lived with my brother (I was 16 when it started) and he ended up in a whole lot of drug debts. He couldn't pay them, so they started threatening him. They eventually took "payment" from me. 2 years that lasted, until I ran.

So have these people been dealt with accordingly??? Sorry I'm not trying to pry and am trying to understand and help anyway I can.

No, I never went to the police. I was terrified and don't worry, you're not prying

So, I assume this was some years ago now?? Tis dreadful when a terrible event can have such devastating repercussions. I can understand how you feel I suffered horrible events in my life, both adult and childhood. I used to say that I felt like a cup which was full yet people still get pouring into and it was just overflowing. That's how I felt in my head, unable to cope with anything at all, as there was no room left in my brain. HOWEVER, over time with the right help I have been able to process these thoughts and can see "tomorrow" as a new day rather than being stuck in "ground hog day" I say that with some confidence that you can get through this. I know you say you find it difficult to talk, then just right it down

It was 10 years ago. I'm sorry you've suffered too. I truly hope you're right, you hit the nail on the head with ground hog day, that's exactly how it feels.

Oh believe me I know exactly how you feel. It's like being stuck in a time warp, don't want to go to bed cause you know that you have to get in the morning at do it all again. I know that if I was in that bad place now and you were saying to me "you can get better cause you had got through it" I would be thinking never, can't see it. But it will happen, slowly but surely. I think the right medication is key too, you can talk to the CPN about your medication, if she thinks you need your quetiapine increasing then they will do so and override the doctor.

I am hoping they increase the quetiapine. Hopefully that would at least help me sleep a little better. I think if I could go to bed and actually sleep I would feel a little better through the day. At the moment all the days and nights roll into one big nightmare.

Do you think you can right all this down again for the CPN tomorrow, just so you have everything you want to say at hand. I know I have to right things down when I see the doctor otherwise I just go blank.

I have written most stuff down, will add everything else tonight.
I'm a bit worried about having to talk about it to a total stranger tbh. Especially if I have to talk about what happened. God it's so hard.

It is hard, try not to predict what will happen tomorrow. I don't think they will want to go in to any great detail of what happened to you tomorrow. Your safety and welfare are the most important thing right now :)

I hope so. I suppose I always have my guard up and find it hard to trust anyone. I totally need to get over myself don't I