Would my children notice?

[windchimes23]

They are 2 and 3. I'm prepped and ready, (message edited by MNHQ)

I've tried once tonight but all its given me is bruises and a shitty cough.

No one gives a hoot, time to try

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I slept for 8 hours last night, and ate breakfast. A novelty in itself.

I'm willing myself to take a shower and join group therapy on Monday. Until then I'm going to sit here and ming while I stew in my own misery.

I could do with a drink and a bloody good dose of valium, but I'm not allowed. As apparently I'm dual diagnosis - substance addicted/bipolar I. The doctors are very astute lol.

My little one went back to The Portland today and has been referred to GOS. I was cross with myself that I couldn't be there for her.

But they've given me my internet access back as I'm being 'compliant'.

Just got to work at this, no messing this time. I normally just go in, act normal, get out ASAP (don't tell anyone this, no point in giving away good tips on escaping the psych ward). Then I return to my med refusal drinking/benzo cycle.

It's time to admit that self medicating isn't working but I'm not sure what to do next. I guess I need to get my shit together and stop acting like a petulant teenager fighting the system.

They are trying to work out a drug regime for me but it's hard because of my allergies, lithium looks likely but I'm scared it will make me fat. I'm that bloody shallow.

Rather be crazy and skinny than fat and stable. I guess that's the first thing to work on eh?

Oh and my husband found out I'm a secret smoker (the shame)

Bloody hell OP, giving what you're going through at the mo bet DH relieved that the only secret is the odd fag

You sound like you're getting your sh*t together, which along with sleep will much a difference

Better fat than not here, your little one will find you comfy and squishy and a warm cuddle.

That's one of the reasons I am fat.

OP, if lithium is what works, please take it..if it makes you fat, so be it, better a fat mum who is around, than no mum at all.

Speaking as the child of a bipolar mother, I think lithium is wonderful stuff. It kept my DM 'normal' for over 20 years before other health issues forced her off it.

Please be honest with the staff on the ward, they really do want to help you. Good Luck!

Glad to hear you have had food and sleep.

Please don't worry about putting on weight. I piled on 3.5 stones when I went on anti psychotic drugs. I felt doomed to be skinny and ill or fat and well. But once I got some semblance of a normal life back I found the mental strength that I needed to lose the weight.

Now I am slim AND well, and hopefully you can be too.

I'm really rooting for you. You can do this x

Just sending some love to you .

I am so fucking fed up. Nothing works and they can't give me oral drugs. I'm on 24/7 watch, imagine using the toilet in public. It's degrading, I refuse to shower.

I want out of here? But they will section me if I try to leave.

I have refused an anti psychotic depot.

I don't know what to do

Mil took lithium and didn't get fat. Worked wonders mentally for her, though.

Why have you refused the anti psychotic depot?

Lithium hasn't made me fat at all - in fact I've found it miraculous. The best thing about it is it makes all the self-destructive thoughts vanish. Amazing. Hugs to you x

You might put on a bit of weight with the lithium - note I say MIGHT! But that's a million times better than you being dead. I don't know you, but just reading your posts makes me feel that you're someone with so much to give. You're engaging, warm, narky(!) and pretty damn funny. Please, please take the lithium and keep posting.

Because I'm scared, they've offered a low dose of olanzapine (sp?)

I'm allergic to flipping Effexor and Sertaline. Everyone can take them, I don't want another allergic reaction. They say it's rare but who knows?

They've screwed up before, trust is gone

Please try the low dose of olanzapine - for me, it was literally a life saver.

Can you really continue as you are without some sort of medication?

I am glad you are on 24 hour watch - humiliating as it seems. You are being taken seriously ( and one of your earlier concerns was that you wouldn't be).

Well done for getting help and getting yourself to a safe place where you can't harm yourself. Thinking about you.

Up at 5am worrying and prowling about. I think I'll take the depot, can't go on like this and maybe it will be the one to get me back on track.

At least I'll be closely monitored and any problems picked up quickly. I've googled and googled some more and don't see anyone who's had SJS from it. So that's me convincing myself. Fingers crossed

Good luck with the drug. Let's hope this is the one that works without side effects.

Good luck, OP - I'm so glad you're engaging in treatment - otherwise your admission would serve only to keep you in a safe place until you're discharged (though even that is worthwhile).

If nothing else, olanzapine has a (strong) sedative effect and will get rid of early morning sleeplessness and extreme anxiety. It's sort of amazing - and medically recognized that, even orally, it can take effect within a few hours and get rid of hallucinations, paranoia and psychosis (not saying you have any of this - just reassuring you on its effectiveness).

Have had depot demoed, big needle in thigh/arse oh ouch. Am psychotic apparently, but the shit I hear is in my head. Not external, I thought psychotic was external?

I keep accusing people of stuff they didn't say, but I'm sure they said it. They are lying not me, I have an excellent memory.

I am going to just go along for the ride, sleep will be a lovely side effect

Hope it goes well. My mil was psychotic, too-she is completely recovered now.

I have been psychotic and yes, the shit was all in my head too. Not voices, just my own thoughts. Lots of them!

Hope it kicks in soon x

My dd is only 15 and she is having her first psychotic episode. It seems hard to distinguish thoughts from voices. At the time they are voices and to her they are 100% real. After the fact she recognises they are actually her thoughts.

She was on a very low dose Olanzapine and it knocked her out for hours, at least in sleep she got a break from the constant noise in her head.

I hope you can find peace even if it's in sleep!

Hope it goes well and thinking of you.

Didn't make me sleep, still got the usual four hours. Nada, not even a yawn. I'm flipping super human I tell ya (joking, not psychotic).

It's hot as hades though and who sleeps in 30 degree heat?

Not that it makes it better, but a lot of us can't sleep because of the heat or whatever. Just getting your body to rest, if you can , will help a bit. Do you know that old rhyme,

Nature takes five, custom takes seven,
Sloth takes nine and wickedness eleven.

I don't believe the last two - there are often good reasons for more - but when I can't sleep I often think of the five...and stop worrying.

I just put my Headspace App on and accept rest. It's a godsend to us non sleepers. If there is anyone else out there who can't sleep try it.

I'm going with number five too, thank you ;)