Would my children notice?

[windchimes23]

They are 2 and 3. I'm prepped and ready, (message edited by MNHQ)

I've tried once tonight but all its given me is bruises and a shitty cough.

No one gives a hoot, time to try

I don't have personal experience of bi polar, but I understand that it's all about extremes? So if you can get through the next few hours then these extreme feelings might ease again? I hope I'm not saying anything wrong or offensive, I just want you to believe there is hope.

Well, yes, they are there for you to be able to talk about how you're feeling right now, what you're thinking of doing, why you're thinking that. They're there for you if you want to talk about issues around suicide.

I've had to go back to work, it's killing me. 3 hour commute today plus nursery pick up and drop off. Seems trite but it's doing me in

You're posting here, I think you want to be heard. You haven't given up yet, talk here, keep talking until tomorrow if necessary. One day at a time.

I get up at 5am and can't sleep

I need rest

It's not trite if it's getting you down.
I know this won't help you now but could you try and see a different GP tomorrow?

even the shit stuff passes in the end - there's good stuff ahead for you, honestly, just not at the moment but it will come.

I wish I could say something useful, but i just want you to know that even strangers want you to stay here xx

Please don't. An ill parent with love is so much better than no parent. I know that from my own experience and from what DS has said to me.
You are courageous and tired.

I can't get any more sick pay. We have a mortgage and nursery fees. We're screwed if I don't work (London mortgage and nursery).

If I die in service our mortgage is paid off It seems reasonable and DH doesn't care.

Your babies are so young. That's shattering even without a crazy commute. Commute aside, it does get easier. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

"If I die in service our mortgage is paid off"

Sorry to say this but a lot of life assurance and death in service policies have exclusions for suicide.

I'm sure your DH does care. But I'm sorry he's not being supportive.

What difference would it make to how you are feeling, if you didn't have to go to work?

I have diazepam which I'm going to double dose. I will drop kids at nursery tomorrow perfectly turned out (of course) and then consider my options. God love a nice 4x4 and a perfectly turned out mum. Fuck this all, who wouldn't want this life? Perfect me, perfect life I'm just a whinging bag of shit!

You're not a whinging bag of shit.
You're unwell and you need support.
Please consider reaching out to a medical professional and/or a supportive loved one tomorrow.

real you are not a bag o'shite but you are talking shite my lovely..of course your kids are going to notice, they are going to be absolutely devastated. Please go to out of hours now if dh is home with them and tell them what you are wanting to do so they can help you. If your dh really does not care then leave the sorry bastard, take your kids, move up north where with sale of a London ho.e you could get a decent two up two down and find a job with a smaller commute.
But do not double dose, overdose or make nooses. You do not know what your future holds. It might be fucking shite now but in five years time, be very different. If you are yummy mummy on the school run then you can fake it when you have to, and doing better than me start faking it now for your kids. What are you going to have for breakfast?

Hey love, your children love you unconditionally, you are the sun and moon, and the whole world, to them. Yes, they would notice. There is always hope

I'm going to bed now, I will be fine. 40mg of diazepam is nothing. Just enough to knock me out. And I ain't no yummy mummy, but the children are well turned out

Well that's good, mine start off well turned out but within seconds look like they ran through a hedge bottom backwards. Whilst they scream at each other: he hit me, she hit me. My less than wonderful reply being: I'll bang both your heads together in a minute. Yummy mummy was not meant as a jibe in any way...I equated perfectly turned out mum with being well groomed/elegant as opposed to me in my holey trousers. Hope you get some sleep OP, I am usually up at five so do not hesitate to come back if you cannot sleep.

Well it's 4am and I got some sleep. Now for the usual late night silent tidy up prowl in my manky pjs. DH has put baby back in bed with him.

Can't win...

Baby cries, keeps him up all night. Baby sleeps with him he comes to me to settle her at 3am.

This sleep deprivation coupled with work is torture.

No offence at 'yummy' lol think more scary bag lady deranged worzel gumidge look

I've just woken up and I'm so glad to see you here posting.

How old is your baby?

Baby is one, she has health issues (metabolic). Been to A&E twice in two weeks and now referred to the Portland. Toddler just turned three.

I just want some flipping sleep. If I could sleep I would be ok. Lack of sleep is sending me over the edge!

Well, lack of sleep is a well known torture method so I'm not at all surprised that your mental health is suffering so badly at the moment.

Do you feel any better than you did a few hours ago?

You've got to have sleep. The world will be a different place with a full night's sleep. DH has to make this happen for you. Tell him.

Less SU but that's because it's light and I've just got to carry on. There is no end to it, and yes sleeplessness is a special brand of torture I can attest too.

DH chooses to get up at 5am, which means we all get up at 5am. I have three hours childcare before nursery drop off and then 25 mins to get myself sorted for work. And I have to look and act the business.

This morning I had exactly 23 minutes to shower, hair, makeup, dress and load dishwasher. Not to mention get dogs out, feed cats and bin last nights dirty nappies.

My mind is working at 200mph when I'm awake. I explained that I'm getting manic again but have been told to 'just do less' but that is not how my head works