Would my children notice?

[windchimes23]

They are 2 and 3. I'm prepped and ready, (message edited by MNHQ)

I've tried once tonight but all its given me is bruises and a shitty cough.

No one gives a hoot, time to try

What do you mean when you say you have to get up at 5am because dh does? Sorry, that probably sounds a bit dim or argumentative but I'm curious.

Is your dh, how can I say this, an arse? Or is he struggling with lack of sleep/worry about your child's health problems/worry about you, and his wellbeing is suffering too?

Is your dh, how can I put it, an arse?

Or is he a decent man but one who is also struggling, with lack of sleep, worry about your child, worry about you etc?

Argh, posted twice. My phone went funny.

OP - back to GP. Who will be interested ( will not dare not to be interested). Show the GP your bruises from your failed suicide attempt, tell them they result from a failed suicide attempt. Ask for immediate help - diazepam won't halt mania / knock you out. See if GP can give you an emergency brief prescription of olanzapine or other anti mania drug pending seeing a psychiatrist. Olanzapine will make you sleep (extreme sedation...).

Previous A&E visits - were they after a failed suicide attempt?

DH gets up at 5am as he likes to spend a couple of hours getting ready and hates getting on a packed tube. Maybe he's an arse, but he has his own agenda and is tired and stressed too.

But that means noise and everyone else waking too. I've asked him to put it back to 5:45am as nearer 6am seems like a normal waking hour.

I've been to A&E before, for SU. The last two times were baby related though. Hypoglcemic

I just want to rest. If I go GP I get signed off and that means no pay, mortgage doesn't get paid and we're screwed.

I have to keep on going. I've used all my sick leave and we need two incomes. I used my savings to finance my last two months of sick leave (9 months of rapid bipolar cycling). When I went back to work I had 19p in my current account and £120 in rail vouchers.

I have drug allergies, I'm scared of them. The only thing I trust is valium which knocks me out for about four hours.

Well the alarm was 5:30 today, which has succeeded in waking kids, dogs, cats and probably half the street but not him. Grrrrr, having a warm Vimto and cursing.

I'm glad you have got through the night.

Your dp is being very selfish.

You need more sleep.

If he is taking 2 hours getting ready why isn't he doing those morning chores?

Does your mortgage have a facility for a mortgage holiday?

You sound like you desperately need time off. You are ill and it isn't your fault. Even defaulting on your mortgage isn't as bad as this. They don't evict you for one missed payment, if it comes to that.

If I go GP I get signed off and that means no pay, mortgage doesn't get paid and we're screwed

OP - I don't want to be brutal - but if you don't go to your GP for emergency treatment, you are not going to be fit for work or retain your job. You need treatment, and you need it now.

For what it's worth, I'm bipolar II - currently on lamotrogine, which seems to be keeping me stable (it is anti-depressive and anti manic medication - and doesn't require the careful monitoring lithium does). I say 'seems' because I've only been on it a year.

When in an acute hypomanic phase - and v distressed - olanzapine was (literally?) a life saver, notwithstanding side effects. That doesn't necessarily mean it will for you, but if you're trying to end your life / have tried to end your life, surely this merits a visit to your GP?

I think OP said she has an autoimmune condition that means she can't take medication.

I have SJS I can't take Lamatical.

I have called in sick, claimed stomach bug. Dropped kids at nursery and will call GP.

I literally can not afford to lose my job, it will mean we lose the house. I've had 9 months off in the last year, work can get rid off me due to lack of capability.

I am checking my salary insurance policy now. I am literally freaking out through lack of sleep and worry.

I know this is easy for me to say, and so much harder in reality but your children would rather be homeless and still have their mum than have a house and car and no mum. My father is in his 80s and his mother died when he was a baby. Even as an old man he sometimes says that he wishes he had known what it was like to have a mum, to have been a little boy and had someone to give him a cuddle when he fell and cut his knee, the little things like that.

You've done so well to get through the past nine hours, keep going, please.

Sorry, OP - I didn't realize SJS and mood stabilisers such as lamotrogine taken together were such a no no - and hadn't realized the relation between the two

My GP has referred me to my Psychatrist. Off for a chat with Dr Mike and he'll probably give me his cup of tea. He usually does, before admitting me to the Caprio Nightingale (again).

I bloody hate this. I just come out more batshit than when I go in.

Admitted voluntarily. Won't be around for a while.

Thanks for the support last night

OP - am so glad you have agreed to be voluntarily admitted, and that both your GP and psychiatrist have taken this seriously. Fingers crossed that this time they can get you on an even keel.

I'm glad too OP. Your post really affected me. I honestly hope that this time is better or different and really helps. Truly I do.

Well done for getting some help OP. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Hope you felt better soon, too.

Best wishes, I am glad to hear you have managed to get some help x

Well done and don't forget we will still be here, or others will, when you come out. You're not alone, there are helping hands.

OP...I stopped breathing when I started reading your post. I am now 58, and the daughter of a mum who tried for years every few months to top herself. She came close several times. The net drawing in relatives each time grew bigger and bigger, until one by one close family members went NC with her and us ( db & ds).

Dad died at 45 with a massive coronary due to the stress and hopelessness. The attempts ramped up for about 6 yrs after that. I moved away to the other end of the country. She'd call me just to say "goodbye", but somehow we'd manage to get her stomach pumped/wrists sewn up.

In desperation I called Samaritans. The bloke kindly contacted mum because she wouldnt contact them. She was so vile to him he hung up on her, told me and apologised. Poor bloke!

This carried on until 8 yrs ago when a) the police told us just how fed-up they'd become b) she developed Alzheimers. She's dead now, but all 3 of us have lasting issues. Both my siblings are divorced. I dont want to make you feel worse than you do Op I'm just coming at it from a childs perspective, and she survived. And I loathe her.

I really hope and pray you feel stronger soon. xx

Best wishes OP. This thread bought a tear to my eye and I'm so happy and relieved to hear you are going in to a safe place to receive some treatment. For what it's worth, you sound like you have a wicked sense of humour, I'm sure you're an amazing, strong mother and person and you have loads going for you. Please keep fighting

How are you doing OP? I was where you are 8 years ago and a stay in a private psych hospital really helped me. Sleep deprivation plus stress will be too much - it's unbearable if you haven't hit medical conditions but if you gave it's the last straw - please get help. I take lithium and that sorts me out. If you've got private medical insurance your GP can refer you to a psychiatrist who should be able to help.