Right going to try to write it clearer.
Had coil fitted during a lapraoscopy almot 2 weeks ago. First few days was fine, I think the physical pain was a nice distraction/much easier to deal with, plus no guilt at not 'achieving' anything for a few days, slept lots, lovely. Then got massively depressed all day every for the last 10 days ish. Worried it's coil related. Fears of never having children relevant, though partner looks to be main issue there (have endo but not bad). Kind of want coil removed though can't face battle to gt it done.
Usually even in a low patch I would feel better in the evenings, even if I didnt everyday I would not be low all day every day for more than 2-3 days. I dont look like im falling apart except for not showering today and usually being in pyjamas... but I am fairly rigid in cleaning and eating healthy so manage these (usually) even if it's just a pile of salad and a cheese sarnie (cleaning I do more when unhappy/anxious). But manage little else.
The last few weeks (even before op) I've been having flshbacks nd intrusive memoroes of times I felt frightened, overwhelmed, alone and hurt by others (to the point of affecting susequent relations with others, through fear). This has got much worse in the last 10 days or being v low. I can't seem to process these memories and let them go, because I dont fully understand what happened, and they serve as 'evidence' im not worth much or need to be frightened/on guard/never relax. I cant relly talk about them because I'm not 'supposed' to be having a trauma reaction like this - SO said I need to forget them. Which I do, but I also know this sort of stuff isnt just forgotton like that. I've read the evidence and it seems perfectly 'allowable' that I am having this reaction to the most emotional/frightening moments of my life. However, trying to be strong and remember this is not something one can show because people get confused and cross if you seem to be strong but with a 'victim mentality' (SO didnt use those words but I get scared thats what people think). What I mean is, if you're just falling apart peope might understand, but if you're desperately trying to hold on and defend your fragile nothing self, and remind youself you did not deserve the bad things, people think you should just be able to get over it asap. I think if you can calmly explain (tho turmoil inside, I try to calmly explain because I am so deserate for the person to understand) they expect you can just rtionalise and forget it. But knowing you've been affected and articualitng that without being able to fix it it seen as inauthentic or attention seeking, or not trying or something.